Saturday, December 31, 2005
I guess that's what New Year Celebrations are for: it's an excuse to look back to where you once were.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
You know what I hate about you? I hate it that...
1. ...you're too far away.A Prosperous and Productive New Year is awaiting you, I hope we all manage to take advantage of it. I miss you all so much! Love you! Hugs and kisses for all of you!
2. ...you underestimate yourself and your worth.
3. ...I'm not too sure if I still know you.
4. ...you put too much angst in your life. (keyword:"put")
5. ...you always expect a "cleaning crew" to arrive. (you'll figure this out)
SORRY FOR BAILING ON YOU THE LAST TIME...
So, here we go!
You know what I hate about you? I hate it that...
1. ...we don't know each other very well.
2. ...you're so busy.
3. ...you don't realize your worth.
4. ...you're too impulsive.
5. ...you're far too nice. (all saints are dead, ya know?)
6. ...you're too damn cynical.
7. ...you keep far too much bottled in.
8. ...you don't realize that you have the potential to kick ass.
9. ...you often become obsessed with the wrong set of details. (yeah, I know, so do I)
Not even Ivan knows which one is his and it will take some serious compelling to make me tell. A Prosperous and Productive New Year to you guys! I love you all!
INUMAN TAYO MINSAN...MAY MGA GUSTO AKONG LASINGIN...
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I'm sorry, I'm at a loss for words. Ivan and I just had a wonderful date. It was amazing! I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl at the memory. I feel guilty for dragging him to a restaurant that was more expensive than I imagined, though. And I must make a note that Palermo, the flourless chocolate cake, is too rich to be eaten by only two people. It was a small cake, but Ivan and I almost puked trying to finish it (we didn't get to finish it, actually). It was decadent, but it was too decadent. It was good, of course! Pasto is a great restaurant, just a tad bit too upscale to be affordable.
We were planning on watching a movie, but all the Eastwood cinemas were playing King Kong (which was a movie neither of us cared to see), so we spent the time talking and bonding.
I know, that might sound boring, but I'm a person who enjoys conversation, so sue me.
That's it, I guess. I just had to get that out.
We were out, the Katipips and myself. Well, not all the Katipips, just the usual suspects: Ivan, Ralph, Rey, Alen, Phoebe, Leonard, and myself. Dinner at McDo, as usual. Nothing was out of place until discussion about what was happening with everyone else came up. I think I asked Leonard what was happening with Rene and Ralph looked at me in disbelief.
"Hindi mo alam na matagal na siyang patay?" the matter-of-fact manner in which Ralph said it gave me the chills. Then, I woke up.
Err... Ice cream, anyone?
Monday, December 19, 2005
I am not an expert, but I believe I am entitled to give a commentary on what I have observed and experienced for the mere fact that I am one of the flock.
One of the down sides of being in a predominantly Catholic country is the large population in parishes. Large populations mean less focus on the individual people in the parish. The church becomes less like the small portion of the family of God and more like an obligatory meeting place to conduct ceremony. Gone are the days when the people who say "Peace be with you" to you during mass mean it with all their hearts because they know you and they do mean you well. We tend to hear mass beside strangers. While the idyllic setting would be that we could see each other as brothers and sisters despite the fact that we are strangers to each other, it almost never happens. You see this when we sing the Lord's Prayer and the priest says "As one family, let us pray in the words Jesus has taught us" (or some other variation of it) and people don't hold hands with those they don't know. You feel this barrier between people during the sharing of peace when all people give those around them are nods and forced smiles.
I never minded these things before. It was something I had come to accept long ago. As the population of members of the church grows, the percentage of the faithful drops. As long as the people still showed something that resembled concern for one another, at least during mass, then the concept of "one church" isn't completely lost.
Last night, however, I felt sad during Sunday mass. Celebration is defined as a joyful occasion for special festivities to mark a special event. During celebrations, you see people involved in it. You see the people participating in it. Celebrations were meant for the people, not the event holders. When a birthday celebrant holds a party, he holds it so he can be with the people and enjoy the day with these people. When we celebrate the mass, the celebrant conducts it not for himself or for Jesus (I hardly think they need it), but for the people. The holy mass is the Celebration of the Holy Sacrifice. Key word here being: celebration.
I won't say what church I went to, and I will try to describe it in the most general sense. It was a beautiful church with a grand hall filled with grandiose images, golden adornments, and a lot of people. I was even thrilled and humbled when I saw the miter on the celebrants head. A bishop would be celebrating mass with us. And while I already attended a mass celebrated by a pope, I am still honored when I encounter officials of the church. Don't ask me why, that's just how I am.
As the processional hymn was sung, I heard the bishop singing along with the choir. The song was popular enough and I was singing along with it, but a majority of the people weren't. The bishop was waving his hand, trying to get the people to sing along with him, but to no avail. Throughout the mass, people didn't respond during the responsorial psalm, the choir sang alone during the different hymns, and had to constantly be cued by the commentator as to when they should stand, sit, or kneel. The bishop's homily was good, but the entire mass felt empty. It was ironic, really. The mass being all about relinquishing control of our lives to God and all around me, people were texting, fussing, talking to each other, and just plain not paying attention. I know I'm guilty of this, but I do my best not to let my mind wander.
I usually hear mass at the local mall. I was a bit relieved to hear mass at an actual parish because I imagined the people to be a bit more involved. How wrong I was. In the mall, the people sang more, they listened more, and even if they stood along the sidelines, they strained to be a part of the celebration. During my first few masses at that chapel, I found myself moved almost to tears during the Lord's Prayer because the entire lot seemed to be singing as one big family.
Ceremony is defined to be a formal event performed on a special occasion or an activity infused with ritual significance. The key word here is ritual. It is customary, traditional, and prescribed. It is not wrong to treat the mass as a ceremony, with formality and dignity and solemnity. It actually is a celebration that needs to be done with utmost respect and reverence. But it must not be something that we simply "go through" almost habitually. It's sad to watch people perform acts during the mass mechanically, out of habit. It loses its meaning in that way. I remember the bishop's sermon and how he said that we should look at the celebration of the mass in the Hebrew perspective. I can't recall his exact words, but I remember the essence being that celebrating something, reenacting it, isn't just going through the motions of it. It is making the people during the reenactment part of the act that happened so long before. It is connecting with the past.
I read the misalette's short reflection on the readings. As I recall the church we went to, I remembered a line where King David wants to build a temple for the Arc of the Covenant. The prophet Nathan tells him to do what he sees fit because God was with him, but God spoke to Nathan asking who was David to make him a house? I remember the reflection of the priest on that portion. That perhaps David thought that if he built a large and beautiful temple in honor of God, that God would be somehow indebted to David and so David could have a little more freedom with his actions.
A large and beautiful church and large offerings during the offertory are not substitutes for faith and obedience. That was made clear during the mass, had the people listened.
It appeared to be a regular day in my dream. It was a regular day in school where everyone was busy doing things in preparation for the current graduating batch's graduation. I remember seeing a lot of my orgmates there. Of course, the Katipips were there as well. We were manning a tiangge booth (for CS, I think). In the tiangge, there was a cooking contest that tried to see who could make this type of bread faster. Anyway, strange things began to happen in the dream when I looked into a mirror and pulled my hair across my face, using my hair as some kind of veil to cover my mouth and nose. I was surprised when my reflection changed to that of a beautiful woman dressed in black. Well, I'm not sure how beautiful she was because, like me, half of her face was covered by a veil (a real veil, not hair), but her eyes were incredible. I thought, at first, that the woman was perhaps my reflection. However, in the mirror, I saw a shadow behind the woman. I moved and the shadow moved, but the woman didn't. She only followed me with her eyes as I side-stepped from behind her. When I saw my own reflection, the woman covered her head in a large black cloth. I looked around the restroom and saw that I was alone. Throughout my dream, people kept discussing philosophical things with me. Every now and then, I would see my reflection on different surfaces, sometimes, a dark shadow was behind me, sometimes, I was alone. Everytime I saw the shadow, I would ask it, "Who are you? What do you want? Why don't you show yourself?" (Yes, I speak English in my dreams...) In the end, I returned to the restroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. The shadow was there again. I demanded that it show itself to me and disembodied hands removed a black veil and under the veil was a grail. When I took the grail and opened it, it was filled with a foul smelling liquid and worms. The liquid filled the cup to the brim and a few drops spilled around the restroom sink. In my dream, I made a comment about how the disgusting mix was "the filth of humanity". I took a small container of what looked like red bugs and I carefully poured its contents into the grail. I even accidentally dropped the container, because I didn't want whatever was in it or in the grail to touch me. I tried to retrieve the container, but when I looked inside the grail, the bugs had already eaten up the bottom of the grail and the container. The foul smelling liquid and the worms were gone. The bugs disappeared as well, and the restroom was clean again. Then, I woke up.
I think I got the bugs from the series "Bones". Flesh eating beetles, I believe. Yes, I know, it's a strange dream. I get a lot of those.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
My head's still spinning from everything that happened last night. I know most people would have much preferred the alumni count to be higher, but from the way things went for me last night, I can't say I'm one of them. I only hope everyone had fun. If I were to judge, there were points in the night when the majority was bored, but I hope they don't think the night was a complete waste. Then again, that's me.
... wait... this is me. I'm supposed to look at the bright and happy side, right?
I guess Rene's cynicism is contagious.
After the program a group of alumni from the same batch, I figure, arrived. It's always nice seeing people so happy to see each other. So much ceremony for these people, whom, I think, would have been content to find an excuse to see each other and relive their memories again. But, we did our best to establish ties with our alumni, whom we swore in as honorary members.
I hope we brought back a lot of wonderful memories. I'd like to think that we did.
So, despite the fact that my legs hurt from walking and standing all night, that my toes burned because of the odd structure of my shoes, and that my arms were a bit numb from the chills and slight fever I had, (to anyone who's wondering whether or not I'm complainaing: Yes, I am complaining!) with that mentality, it was all worth it (I mean this, too, of course). I just hope someone would do that for us twenty-five years from now.
Twenty-five years from now, I would like to sit and watch pictures of myself from twenty-five years back with friends whom I love. I would like to see the people I had not seen in years surround me in a place that would bring back a lot of memories. I think P300 (or whatever its equivalent at that time would be) is a small price to pay for that.
... but I like the pictures, so here's the result.
DEMURE BEAUTY - You are modest, innocent, and a bit
naive. You are naturally optimistic and always
look on the bright side in whatever you do.
People are naturally drawn to you and you
probably have a lot of friends. If you're sad,
which is rare, you bounce back quickly. Your
innocence makes you see the good in all things.
You believe in second chances and are a true
What type of beauty do you possess? (20 questions + 7 results + pretty pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
It's not that u are just CALM, it's that u stay calm when bad times arrive. All yar friends know that they can go to you everytime they need somebody to listen and that when they have a problem u'll find a solution, they love ya and they have really good reasons. U are everyone's bestfriend
..:::What type of girl are you??:::..(with pics and 15results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
SENSUAL BEAUTY - You are passionate, sensitive, and
a dreamer. You are idealistic and have an
excellent imagination. You are also a deep
thinker and are very sensitive. Extremely
perceptive you are able to pinpoint the
emotions of others even if they are trying to
hide them. You are sociable and many people
like you because you are so affable,
compassionate, and empathetic. You feel others
pain as deeply as your own and you'd help them
before yourself. You are also a highly loving
person who needs to be surrounded by people who
love you in return.
What type of beauty do you possess? (20 questions + 7 results + pretty pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
"My Sweet Rose" by John William
You are a highly sensitive
being. You are altruistic and compassionate.
You feel everything ten times more so than
ordinary mortals. Your soul cries at pain and
your heart sings sorrow with death. You are a
rare and selfless person who will gladly
sacrifice themself to save another.
Which beautiful pre-Raphaelite painting represents you? (9 beautiful photos)
brought to you by Quizilla
In real life, I would probably choose not to. My life has enough conflicts as it is. Their lives are already far too complex and intertwined as they are. Romantic love is supposed to be between two people. The inextricable knots should just be between two strings fates and not more, else, it becomes chaotic and the fates become indistinguishable.
We were talking about her, his girlfriend of how many years. I don't really remember how we got to that point and I'm not bothering to think about it. Dreams are like that, right? Some things just happen for no apparent reason. They just work out that way. Anyway, we were talking about her family at first. And then, I brought *him* up, this other guy whom his girlfriend cared a little too much about.
"Do you know what their relationship was? How she really felt about him?' I remember being unbelievably curious in my dream (something that's not really far off from real life). I knew I was pushing it. The topic wasn't his favorite.
He seemed unhappy with the answer he had to give if he were to be honest. "Hindi ko pala siya ganoon ka kilala."
Wow... apparently, he had no idea where this other guy stood in the life of his girlfriend. It seemed to me, in my dream, that he had chosen to ignore the issue or she had opted to hide it from him. I was tempted to tell him about an incident where his girlfriend appeared to be jealous of me for hanging out with the other guy. When I woke up, I was still debating with myself whether or not I would speak up.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
In the office, the worst possible boss is your mom. I mean, when you're at home, resting, she'll ask you why you're not working and when you're working, she'll tell you not to overwork yourself.Sleepysleepysleepysleepy...
Really, business relations are best left between not-too-close friends and acquaintances. If you're too close to each other, you'll both be expecting special treatment. One expects extra effort and the other expects easier goings. And when business relations fall apart, more often than not, so does the relationship. So, in my opinion, if you're thinking of going into business with your lover, you should either not go through with it or break up with him/her first.
There was a large house where a big party was being held. I didn't know anyone in the party, so I was wandering around the house. No one seemed to know me, so I was left alone and unbothered. I explored the house: the garden, the attic, the living rooms, etc. I don't remember much about it other than thewooden panes of the windows painted white. Through the windows, the weather seemed fine, but when I stepped out, it was raining.
Then, I remember Frankie Muniz (from the show "Malcolm in the Middle" ) talking to me in my dream. We were sitting in a large field. He welcomed me back to the "present". When I looked around, the house was gone and there was only a cliff and a large body of water, which I presume to be the sea, in its place. I dove into the water. The house was supposed to be a thing of the past and the place where I was, the "altered present". In my dream, I knew where I was though everything was unfamiliar.
The last part of the dream had me in a large room that looked like a lecture hall. The hall had tables that were positioned in such a way that they were in semicircles that had the podium up front at the center. In the room with me were friends from both high school and college. My companions included Ivan, Rene, Donna, and Awin. There was a telephone at the front of the lecture hall and it rang. I don't quite recall who answered it, but I was told that the person on the phone was April. April asked to speak to Donna. This confused me in my dream since Donna and April don't know each other. I asked why April would rather speak with Donna and April said that it was because of the fact that I never gone through a break up. I began to protest that Donna was still with her boyfriend when I woke up from the alarm.
I can guess where all the characters in my dream came from. I know that Frankie Muniz came from the Lizzie Mcguire episode I chanced upon yesterday and that the "new world" concept came from a very brief YM conversation with Rene about how the sun, during its evolution, would one day engulf planet earth and that evolution would begin in the methane-filled world of Saturn's largest moon, Titan.
Everything else are just little bits and pieces of my life. I know, this dream isn't much. It's probably my mind's way of reminding me that dreams do not necessarily have a meaning to digest. Of course, this is against my normally Freudian manner of thinking, but overanalyzing things can do more harm than good, sometimes so I'll leave this at that.
Monday, December 12, 2005
You are an innocent anime girl. You never get blamed for anything. You are just a sweet good girl.
If you were anime what would you look like?(Girls Only)
brought to you by Quizilla
You're a mature and sophisticated anime girl you believe in "career first before fun". More work and no play.
If If you were anime what would you look like? (Girls Only)
brought to you by Quizilla
I'd rather be pathetic than apathetic, I guess.
How many times have I said and written that we are currently living in an age of apathy? That we are living in a world full of cynics and disheartened individuals who have lost their faith in their fellow man? How many times have I tried to prove myself wrong by putting my faith in the people around me, friends and strangers alike?
When we went to Iloilo for the 23rd SPP Congress, I proved to myself more than once that people can actually be trusted. I am not the most streetwise of the lot and have even been called stupid some of the time. I know the risks that I take when I ask some random police officer how to get back to our hotel. I know how dangerous getting into a cab, alone, in a strange place could be. I don't throw my cares away when I do these things knowing how unassuming and naive I tend to look. I just choose to take a deep breath and say a short prayer, then put my faith in God and in my fellow man. It may seem foolhardy to some, but to me, it has always seemed logical. What goes around comes around, right? The people in Iloilo were very nice to me. The police officer I asked directions from was very polite and accommodating. He even hailed my cab for me. The cabbies I rode were kind and even pointed out some interesting things about the different sights (tourist attractions or not) we passed. On the plane going back to Manila, the lady beside me was very sweet and chatted with me. She told me about their trip to Boracay. I was rewarded, for listening to her, with candy that would "keep my ears from popping" while we landed.
Maybe I was lucky during the trip to find such wonderful individuals, but things like that warm me up inside.
And then, there are times when I find myself beginning to actually see my point that men are becoming apathetic and cynical, which brings me back to the news clips I watched that made me cry. Racism in Australia (I could barely look at the screen as images of people of different races attacked each other), incessant bickering among politicians (I found myself laughing, though mortified), OFWs who would rather die starving in an airport or in a violence-filled country than return to the Philippines(it was sad), Christmas MOs of pickpockets and other thieves...
(All this followed by the message: 13 days til Christmas! Now, how's that for an irony?)
...where's the good news?
Can't we have news about the triumph of our athletes without accusations of cheating or criticisms about where the First Gentleman wants to send them to in celebration of their win? Can't we focus on these people who have worked so hard to bring glory to the country rather than the controversies that, through no fault of theirs, surround them? I would like to think that we can.
But "will" doesn't necessarily follow "can". Good news doesn't sell as much as bad and sensationalized news, I guess. Viewers seem to prefer to look at the things that warn him about darker side of his neighbor. "Reality" is more profitable.
Says a lot about the society we're living in, doesn't it?
Then again, maybe it's just me.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
I got this from my Friendster Blog. I don't know why I wrote this. It's nothing much, really. It doesn't even make sense. By the way, this story is a product of the twisted imagination of the author, any similarities with real life events may or may not have been intentional.
Please don't hurt me.
Alam mo, bagay talaga kayo eh. You complement each other. Mature siya (ito ang mabait na paraan kong pagsasabi na matanda na siya, gurang, tuyot, pinagsawaan na ng panahon, etc. etc.) at ikaw, madalas parang batang tatangatanga. Mukha siyang intsik na nagbebenta ng gamot na pampalaki ng t*te na hindi tumatalab sa kanya at ikaw naman, mukhang starlet na kakatapos lang magpictorial sa Star (yung tabloid, hindi yung diyaryo).
Bagay nga talaga kayo.
Kung merong pares na pinagsama ang mga kampon ng kadiliman ni Kupido na perpekto para sa isa't-isa, kayo na yon. Huwag na nating isama sila Tin at Mike, hindi pa ipinapanganak yung dalawang yon, ipinangako na sila sa isa't-isa ng tadhana. Espesyal sila, hindi parang tayo. Tao lang tayo, nahihirapang hanapin ang pag-ibig na wagas na tatagal ng habang panahon.
Bagay na bagay talaga kayo. Bakit nga ba ulit kayo nagbreak? Ah, oo nga pala, kasi gago siya. Alam na 'yon. Wala ka pa namang nagiging matinong boypren eh. Hiramin mo na lang kaya si Mike kay Tin ng isang araw, para kahit isang araw lang sa buhay mo magka-boypren ka ng matino. Mabait naman si Tin kahit ganun yun. Papayag yun.
Ha? Hindi ako bitter. Bakit naman ako magiging bitter eh ang saya nga namin ni 'Selle ngayon? Siguro, dati, nung madalas pa kaming magaway ni Selle, bitter ako, pero ngayon? Wala akong dahilan.
Ewan. Bakit ba kita iniisip ngayon?
Siguro dahil na-miss na naman kita.
Dedicated to the Katipips and dLR. I miss you guys...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I sometimes don't want to fall asleep because I don't want to dream. It's not that all of my dreams are bad. Though I have a lot of disturbing dreams, I get as many good and "common place" ones. It's the risk of having a bad dream that I sometimes don't want to take. Most of my dreams are vivid, and the worst are extremely violent, so when I say I had a bad dream, chances are, they are downright awful. Well, of course, one must take into consideration that I can't even watch violent movies because I'm sensitive about things like that.
Someone important to me once told me that I might have an anxiety disorder.
Yes, I am aware that I could be a disturbed child, but I'm content being this way. Life would be a lot less interesting without the dreams.
But, some dreams I could do without. Like my dream from last night.
Last night's dream was a lot less clear than most of my other dreams. I can't even get the chronology straight, which is rather unusual for my often story-like dreams. There was a part there where I was kissed. Strike three and you're out, so what happens when it's strike six? I remember thinking that his lips were chapped.
The more disturbing part of the dream was when two of the people I love the most strangled me with (of all things) a white rosary. I remember wanting to pass out and die, but everytime I came close to losing consciousness, one of them would slacken his grip and let me have enough air to stay alive through the next few minutes of choking. This went on for a while. People were watching us, but they didn't do anything to help me. I saw them looking scared. Some even looked like they were in awe of the scenario. I woke up when they let me go and I fell to the ground, coughing.
In retrospect, falling asleep and risking dreaming is a lot like waking up and facing the world. In both cases, something bad could happen. I may not like the outcome of things or may be troubled by what I see. But falling asleep is a lot less frightening, isn't it? Dreams can't really hurt me that much and once I wake up, they're gone. I've died so many times in my dreams, but I'm still alive. But if I die while I'm awake...
So where is the bigger risk? Hmm... maybe I should rethink falling asleep and dreaming...
Friday, December 09, 2005
You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people
feel that they have known you their entire
life. Many often open up to you for they view
you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although
people trust you, you have a hard time trusting
them. You prefer to keep your feelings bottled
up inside, or display them very quietly. It is
alright to open up every once in a while.
Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, December 08, 2005
... so, here I am. Well, it's not like a lot of people read my Friendster blog. I think the only people who ever set eyes on my other blog was my friend Ma-anne (who is also a blogger) and my dearest Ivan (whom I pestered to read my blogs). Not that this is the most important issue in my life right now.
I remember writing in one of my editorials for UPPA's newsletter:
"Death changes things. People who have been given a new lease on life often become more in tune with their mortality and hence strive harder to live and live their lives to the fullest."
Now, I'm not really the best authority on death here since I haven't really experienced it. I mean, obviously, I haven't died and I don't have anyone close to me who has died or is close to death, so I don't really know how it feels. I really don't want to know how it feels, but I know it's inevitable. Like Rey said:"It's a part of life."
He's right, of course. But still, I wouldn't want to face it if I had to. My death, maybe,I would find that tolerable, more tolerable than having to face someone else's death. I once asked the question, "Which would you choose, have your loved one die for you or die for your loved one?" Sometimes, it seems like the more selfish answer is have your loved one die for you. I think that's what most people would think, but in my opinion, the more selfish answer is die for your loved one. Not only did you sentence your loved one to a life knowing that you died for him/her, but you also left your loved one alone.
So, why such a depressing first post? No, it's has nothing to do with my Friendster blog, I'm not that shallow nor am I that capable of developing off tangent thoughts. My friend's dad just died. She's one of my dearest friends and also one of the nicest and most wonderful people I know. We met when we were both UPPA applicants and even then, I looked up to her despite the fact that I am older and was the head of the group. I've always looked at her as such a strong person who will always be there for anyone who needs her and now that she's the one who is in pain...
I don't know what to say to her. What do you say to someone who has just lost a loved one? Are there really words of consolation that could ease the pain? When she had other problems, more adolescent problems like matters of the heart and schoolwork, I knew what to say. Sometimes, I think I don't run out of things to say to people. This whole thing proved me wrong. This is something only someone who has experienced it could understand, I guess. But, in the meantime, what do you do?