I sometimes don't want to fall asleep because I don't want to dream. It's not that all of my dreams are bad. Though I have a lot of disturbing dreams, I get as many good and "common place" ones. It's the risk of having a bad dream that I sometimes don't want to take. Most of my dreams are vivid, and the worst are extremely violent, so when I say I had a bad dream, chances are, they are downright awful. Well, of course, one must take into consideration that I can't even watch violent movies because I'm sensitive about things like that.
Someone important to me once told me that I might have an anxiety disorder.
Yes, I am aware that I could be a disturbed child, but I'm content being this way. Life would be a lot less interesting without the dreams.
But, some dreams I could do without. Like my dream from last night.
Last night's dream was a lot less clear than most of my other dreams. I can't even get the chronology straight, which is rather unusual for my often story-like dreams. There was a part there where I was kissed. Strike three and you're out, so what happens when it's strike six? I remember thinking that his lips were chapped.
The more disturbing part of the dream was when two of the people I love the most strangled me with (of all things) a white rosary. I remember wanting to pass out and die, but everytime I came close to losing consciousness, one of them would slacken his grip and let me have enough air to stay alive through the next few minutes of choking. This went on for a while. People were watching us, but they didn't do anything to help me. I saw them looking scared. Some even looked like they were in awe of the scenario. I woke up when they let me go and I fell to the ground, coughing.
In retrospect, falling asleep and risking dreaming is a lot like waking up and facing the world. In both cases, something bad could happen. I may not like the outcome of things or may be troubled by what I see. But falling asleep is a lot less frightening, isn't it? Dreams can't really hurt me that much and once I wake up, they're gone. I've died so many times in my dreams, but I'm still alive. But if I die while I'm awake...
So where is the bigger risk? Hmm... maybe I should rethink falling asleep and dreaming...