Sunday, December 24, 2006


**insert long sigh**

It's already the day before Christmas, isn't it?

For some reason, I don't feel all that Christmas-y. It's not the first year this has happened. Last year, it was the same. I wasn't excited, I wasn't overly happy, but I wasn't sad either. I was just the same. Christmas had become just another day for me. The last celebration of the coming of the new year wasn't too different from last Christmas. I felt dull. I was even a little sad. I did a lot of things over the year that I wasn't too proud of, but I knew could never go back to change.

Perhaps it's because I am not anticipating anything anymore that I don't feel anything. Maybe it's because there is nothing that I want strongly. Sometimes, I feel that I have settled into my life. I'm not exactly satisfied, but I have come to accept my life as it is.

I've always seen Christmas and the coming of the new year both as celebrations of hope for things to come. Now, as I stop looking into the future and anticipating what is to come, they're just red letter days on my calendar.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Unrequited love is a lot less painful than reciprocated love that can never happen.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

When arguing with someone, make sure that you're talking to convince that person and not yourself.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

My Seduction Style?

Holding On

If you love someone, set him free and wish only for his happiness.

It's a theme that's as used and abused as a theme could get. When I was younger, I thought I understood it well, now it feels so unreal and impossible. Because, it says that if I truly am in love, I should be able to do those things: set him free and wish for his happiness.

I wonder now, do I truly love that person? If I do, why can't I let go? I hold on to him so tightly that my fingers dig into his skin and my grip suffocates him. I've been doing so for the last five years. And, in the same way I hold onto him, I hold onto the dream that we can have our own "happily ever after" together. Lately, I feel them being crushed in my grasp, and still I can't let go. And my greatest fear is their little pieces would one day slip through my fingers like sand.

Old Infinite Insanity Description

I'm posting it here for posterity.
(stole the smiley from here)
From the ashes of a glorious but slowly fading past
Burns the hungry flame of a passionate today.
Rising up from the muck of what weighs it down
It reaches up to the infinity of the cosmos
A beacon to the children lost in the dark
Lending warmth to the bitter and cold of heart
It lights the way to the countless possibilities of a glorious tomorrow
Slowly fading into view

It's actually a poem dedicated to UPPA. I wrote it right after the tambayan was burnt to a delicious black crisp. But... since we're back there now, I suppose the memory of it doesn't sting as much.

Friday, November 24, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

It's sometimes not a good idea to analyze things to the point that they stop making sense.

Matters of Perspective

As Hasmin and I walked back towards NIP from our logbook shopping spree, she related to me her version of a story long discussed by the Katipips. I recognized the events she spoke of with little effort, but the meaning of everything seemed skewed and out of order. I began to wonder how people really saw me. I wondered if what I saw whenever I looked at people was as distinctly different from how they saw themselves. As she ended her tale I came to a conclusion.
"The view from outside is so different," I said wistfully and not without regret.
As the wind blew, a rain of leaves fell from the trees. And just as I admired their happy dance as they made their way to the cold earth; I couldn't help but wonder whether the tree was crying in longing or its remaining leaves were shivering in fear at the same sight.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Restatement of Murphy's Law:

"We rarely notice how unfair the world is until it becomes unfair in someone else's favor."

Randomness: Some thoughts from last night

My cousin sent me this message last night:

Somebody once asked me, "How do you hold love?"

I answered, "With your hands wide open, your palms facing up, and with your heart ready to let go and let the other grow."

And that somebody asked again, "What if it hurts you?"

I smiled wistfully and replied, "Then, it means you're doing it right."

But, does it really follow? Can you really equate loving a person other than yourself to feeling pain?


When it comes to dealing with getting hurt repeatedly, there are two extremes: developing an immunity towards it and compounding hurts on each other to produce a pain greater than the sum of its predecessor parts. The problem with not feeling the pain anymore is that there is no way to gauge the damage being done. The problem with feeling all the pain and then some is it consumes you to the point that you don't know which way is up.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


The annoying thing about UP's Net Nanny

I'm working on my assignment for Bio 12. The research is about embryogenesis, you know, how a zygote develops into a fetus. One topic is about gastrulation, the process of forming a gastrula from a blastula. There is a process under gastrulation called "invagination". The thing is, I can't access the wikipedia site for Invagination because it is a "porn_expression" (read: vagina). I mean, come on, what self respecting porn site maker would use the word "vagina" on their website? More often than not, the words used are less, I don't know, scientific. I'm not even sure if half of the perverts in the world know the term!

Okay, that's an exaggeration. I imagine that most of the perverts in the world had elementary health class.

I suppose it's excusable. UP's just doing what should be done about preventing the use of their networks for "non-academic matters". Now, the irony of the whole thing is, I can access the wikipedia sites of porn stars like Maria Ozawa and Miko Lee.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


"I went through all that trouble trying to see what kind of reaction I would get from you...I just wanted to see if I could make you melt. Even a little bit."

- Ayu Yamada from "Honey and Clover"

And just like that--in less than a minute of cartoon airtime--the emotions that I tried so hard to sort out all night long were summarized so neatly.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Unfinished Chapters

Whenever I write a story, my audience expects a certain "terminal result".

And, no, it's not the quintessential happy ending. They're more used to my angst-ridden conclusions than anything else. Like Donnabelle, I rarely write when I'm happy so I rarely write happy stories with fluffy endings.

But, that's not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that most people would prefer that the story they began reading be not open ended. Similarly, in life, most people would rather that the plot twists and conflicts in their lives not remain unresolved.

There are two unresolved chapters in my love life. I have a particular ending that I'm gunning for. The ending I want to happen is far from painless, but at least, most conclusive.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

No Win Situation

This is the first time in my life that this has happened: that two of my principles conflicted with each other.

I never realized that was possible, that my sense of duty for one thing would go against my sense of duty for another. In this situation, I don't really want to explain myself. I don't see the point. As I thought things through yesterday afternoon, I knew that whichever way I went, no outcome would be pleasing. I knew that no matter what I did, I would still be wracked with guilt and some sense of responsibility afterwards.

Both parties trusted me. I just went with the group that had no real offense.

While everyone tells me that I had no fault in the matter, the truth is, I am well aware that I let things happen the way they did. I am not solely responsible, but I am not free from responsibility. They say that I'm overthinking things, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't have to think much to feel guilty.

There is a line in House that made me think: "You can't control your emotions, only your actions." I wanted to say that yesterday, but I didn't want to expect something like that from someone else when I myself couldn't accomplish it. This is my last real semester in UPPA, I wanted so bad to ensure its future. I shouldn't have gotten involved, and yet I did, and by the looks on everyone's faces as they went home last night, it's quite obvious how badly I messed up.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Flipside: It's not easy to be loved

I'm used to developing unrequited feelings.

I always thought that it was much easier to be on the receiving end , because how difficult could it be to be loved? If the other person did not love me back, they shouldn't be affected by how I felt, right?

I lost one of my dearest friends--and, consequently, the first person I ever had romantic feelings for--because of this mentality. We were really close back then so I was well aware that he didn't see me that way. I was the one feeling the pain of rejection (not quite outright, but it was still the case) and he was causing it. I didn't see how he could be in pain, himself.

It turns out, the laws of action and reaction work in these cases as well. Especially when the dynamic happens between good friends.

Back to the present, it was a rather perplexed revelation that forced me to see things in retrospect. While looking for ways to comfort him, I was made to draw from my own experiences as someone who was on the "unrequited" end. It then dawned on me that in his case, both ends were, in a way, unrequited. Her love was unrequited, that one was clear. On the other hand, his friendship was unrequited as well. Sure, she was willing to be friends with him, but not without consequence to him. Interestingly enough, there was also a mutual rejection. While he rejected her feelings for him, she was rejecting what he was.

I was guilty of that with him.

In the same way he couldn't accept the love I had to give him, I couldn't accept that he would still tell me about the girls (not me) he liked, be caring and sweet as he had always been. Everytime he was himself, he was hurting me by showing me what I was missing. Everytime he treated me as the friend that I was to him, he was making me hope for something that should have been long decided to be unreachable.

I didn't realize how much I was demanding from him until it was too late.

I guess it's not just the girls who find it difficult to turn down those who're courting them.

I'm not sure how well I understand both ends of the spectrum. I'm even more uncertain of how well I explained it to him. But, the bottom line is, while it is difficult to love someone who doesn't love you back; it's equally difficult to care for someone who loves you, but you don't love back.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)

Annie Lennox

Sweet dreams are made of these
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something.

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.


The song's stuck in my head. I think it has something to do with one of the lifestyle network's commercials. Or perhaps it has something to do with a blog entry I recently read.

Six Random Facts About Me

Was tagged by The OC

Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six of your friends and tag them! (No tag backs). This explanation must be included, of course.

That said, let's get it on!


  1. I hate speaking in front of an audience. I'm usually so terrified that I end up making a complete fool of myself.

  2. I have unnaturally low blood pressure. My "normal" blood pressure is about 90/70, or something like that. I think it runs in the family, because my mom has low blood pressure, as well.

  3. The first (non-family) person to kiss me on the lips was a girl. It happened right before our IPS (Introduction to Physical Science) class in our first year of high school. Oh,, I wasn't expecting it... I didn't like her in that way... I didn't like it... it was FREAKY!!! And, I don't know why she did it, either.

  4. I am officially a yaoi fangirl. I don't fangirl yaoi couples beyond anime, though. While I'm very open to the idea of gay couples, guy on guy still kinda freaks me out. Oh, and, of course, it should go without saying that I'm an anime/manga-addict as well.

  5. Contrary to popular belief, I do drive over 100 kph. I just don't do it too often. I don't drive that fast when I'm with other people, cause chances are, I would be talking to said other people and would, therefore, be distracted.

  6. I like long passwords. Eheheh... couldn't think of anything else. Edit:It's difficult for me to fall in love, but at the same time, it's also difficult for me to get over the one I have learned to love. Took a cue from Bei's blog. I found this fact 6 a bit corny.

Okay, now for the tagging part. Ma-Anne, Ligaya, Kay, Rainstruck, baregoddess, and Steph, I choose you!

Monday, September 11, 2006

...MIddle of the Night...

I was awakened by one dang freaky dream.

I hate it when that happens.

I like dreaming just fine. Dreams are fun things to have given that they're not too scary. This one was scary.

Grrrrgh... now I can't go back to sleep. Oh well, might as well do my Chem lab report...

Friday, September 08, 2006


Taking a short break after fixing up my lab workstation and before running up to the second floor for Physics 141...

Hey, today is the 8th of September... It's Mama Mary's birthday. The guy in church said that it's a holiday of obligation, I always thought the holiday of obligation was the 8th of December (Immaculate Concepcion). Well, it looks like I won't be able to hear mass, anyway.

Come to think of it, today should also be the deadline for the "Camera Ready Manuscripts" and "One-Page Extended Abstract" for our SPP paper. Where's the acceptance notice? (Wahahahah... I'm actually expecting one. How funny.)


Still feeling sick. No, scratch that, I'm feeling S.I.C.K. Damn antibiotics are making me nauseous. How can something that's supposed to cure you make you feel so messed up?


Heheh... Ivan oozes mmm-smex in that shirt he so affectionately calls his "callboy shirt". Why'd I have to have all these Catholic sensibilities that are making me oh-so-guilty for being human?


Rene and I chatted for a short while this afternoon after I helped Micielle install Ubuntu to her workstation. He seems real happy with his job.

I wish I graduated on time...


Thinking Ivan is sexy...


Must go to class...


Too lazy...



Ivan... XD

....Must go.... Physics 141....

...going now....

Sunday, August 20, 2006

20 Random Thoughts about Today

I've been feeling very insecure lately, so I'm pretty sure this will not be a happy post.

  1. I really really really wish guys could feel the pain of dismenorrhea and the intense mood swings that come pre-, con-, and post-period.
  2. Then again, I suppose, the pain of dealing with a hyper-sensitive and irritable wife/girlfriend/friend/daughter who has her period is painful enough.
  3. Sometimes I wish I actually was just bumming around so I'd have an excuse for not getting anywhere.
  4. I am slowly but surely developing a strong hatred for TV commercials about beauty products.
  5. Ditto for clothes ads on billboards that just make you want to ram your car into its post and die cause you're not as perfect as the model on it.
  6. Cold weather really does make you horny.
  7. I want a do over for the rhumba and tango I danced with Ivan.
  8. I wonder how I can con _ t _ _ _, _ _ n _ _, _ _ l _ _, _ _ a _ _ _, and _ _ _ e into auditioning for Philippine Idol...
  9. I wonder if I should join them for fun?Eh, no, maybe not. Wouldn't want to end up on the growing list of people who wrongly think Terpsichore touched them and gifted them with her talent.
  10. I miss writing. I hope this writer's block goes away soon.
  11. Phenol is a very dangerous chemical. It should be kept away from sleep-deprived students who space out while performing Chem experiments.
  12. On that note, all sleep-deprived students should be deemed hazardous and be barred from the Chem labs.
  13. Then again, that would mean no one would be allowed to attend Chem anymore. Not that that's a completely bad thing.
  14. I should always keep a stock of dark chocolate in the fridge for days like this. Cuddlebunnies.
  15. "Cuddlebunnies" is not a real word (and doesn't really mean anything).
  16. Neither is "snicker-doodle".
  17. But fiddlesticks is.
  18. The newly opened SM Hypermarket is so crowded and has everything. It's like Costco or Price Mart.
  19. I miss a lot of people, but I have no intentions of attending any reunion of any sort anytime soon.
  20. I should go out and get some self-esteem. Maybe SM Hypermarket has some.

Quote for the Day: "Go ahead, kick me. Can't you see I'm still standing?"

Sunday, July 09, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

It's strange how some people forget that other people can feel emotions other than love.

I suppose it's my fault again

But, that's not new.

I've become used to the feeling of guilt. Regret, too. You had expected me to be there by your side and I wasn't. I tried hard, but your shadow was just too cold and too dark for me. I had to get away. I imagine you didn't notice my leaving until you tried to lean on me only to find that I was gone.

I was supposed to be the pillar of strength of the two of us, wasn't I? The crazy and erratic one, but the stable one nonetheless. You were supposed to just be you: brilliant and peerless in every way. You shouldn't have needed to watch out for anyone because I was supposed to be the one steering them away from your path. You shouldn't have needed to watch your back for the repercussions of your actions, I should have had it.

I was probably not there for you when you needed me most. I truly am sorry for being the coward that I am. I'm just an idiot who's incapable of doing anything right.

But, I suppose, even that's my fault.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Para Sa Akin by Sitti

I wish I could say this to you...

Kung ika'y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako'y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At mayroon ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pagibig

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang lumipad ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Para sa akin

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way. You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to. Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets. No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!
Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them. You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky. You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter. It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

What does my birth month mean?

Your Birth Month is November

Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years.
You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian.

Your soul reflects: Compassion, friendship, and secret love

Your gemstone: Citrine

Your flower: Chrysanthemum

Your colors: Dark blue, red, and yellow

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

That Person

I thought I was done with that feeling.

Well, not really done with it. I figured someone, somewhere else at some other time in my life would make me feel that way again, but I had hoped not to the same degree. It's not really a good feeling--the feeling that washes over me whenever I encounter that person.

I suppose that person doesn't even know how simple presences affect me. That person was the one who opted to walk out of my life. That person was the one who chose to change things between us, though I was more than slightly relieved when that person did. I didn't ask to feel this way around that person, which is probably why I always feel guilty whenever I do. I'm sure that person wouldn't want me to feel this way either, but unfortunately, I do.

It's stupid, really. It's even a little bit self-destructive. But, strangely enough, if I'm to be honest with myself, I really miss that person.

I wonder if that person misses me as well.

Than again, probably not.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Dream: My Greatest Dream and Nightmare

There is an 90% chance that I may never get pregnant. I have Amenorrhea due to a much more complicated condition. I have come to terms with that long ago. I hold on to the remaining 20% and try to ignore the fact that if ever I do get pregnant, there is about a 50% chance that it would only end in a miscarriage. I suppose it might sound odd that one of the dreams that I have deem to be unattainable is one of the few things women can do that men can't. When I was much younger, I thought about what my children would be like.

I keep that dream until now. At least I think I do.

My dream last night made me wonder.

There was a very long line in the hospital. It really wasn't unusual, because our health insurance provider has a lot of clients. I didn't know why I was there, but with my many "problems" I was used to being in the hospital for some random reason. My mother has this tendency of taking me to the hospital at the slightest complaint, so often, I don't usually tell her when I'm not feeling well. But I felt fine. Why was I there?

When my turn was up, I was brought into the small examining room of the health insurance clinic. The doctor was an Ob-Gyn. She was a fairly tall and slender woman with short hair that just brushed the bottom of her ears. She reminded me of "Mom" from Martin Mystery, if the latter wasn't a cartoon. Anyway, I was told to lie on the examining table and she first began feeling my abdomen. She asked me if I was feeling any pain. I said no. She asked if I felt pain when she applied pressure. No. She then asked me if I had very painful periods. More often than not. She instructed me to take off my underwear and roll up my skirt and to position myself on the examining table. I imagine everyone knows the examining position and I don't have to describe it. She placed a blanket over my lower body and continued her examination. Nausea? No. Fatigued? A bit, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. Headaches? Menstrual cramps recently? Spotting? No, no, and no.

She finished her examination and had a strange look on her face. "Kristine," she said, calling me by my "professional" name. "You're pregnant."

Excuse me? I thought I was as sterile as a hospital clean room or a brain surgeon's scalpel or something. Then, I realized how frightened I was.

The thought of having my own children excites me, but at this point in my life, I'm not ready. Heaven knows where that dream came from. But it made me realize that as much as I want to become a mother, it would be a far worse thing for me to become a bad and incapable mother than not become a mother at all.

It is an old Jewish belief that barren women are women cursed by God. Sarah wife of Abraham and Elizabeth mother of John the Baptist were such women who were gifted with children against all odds. But I believe that a mother who cannot take care of her children is a curse to her children.

I'd rather me than them.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Messages : For Katipips

Hi guys!

Wala lang. This is the result of someone trying to learn how to use Adobe Photoshop and that said someone having lots of spare time. Sorry if you don't like the pictures I used, I don't have a lot of pictures in my digital album.

Are we still going to Galera? Can you lend me money? Or better yet... libre niyo na lang ako. Heheh...

Summer is driving me crazy with high temperatures and boredom! I hope to see you guys (all together, as in buo) soon. The last time we got together as a relatively large group was when we ate at Gayuma last... I don't remember when...

So, you guys take care!

Ivan, I love you! I'll post that picture you asked me to post later (after Wackie finishes with the computer).

Ralph, hope we can talk to each other (in person) next time.

Phoebe, sorry I wasn't able to join you guys at Star City. I hope you had a lot of fun.

Rey, alam mo na yun.

Lourdes, I miss you! Paramdam ka naman!

Leonard, see you in the next university graduation. Kaya natin ito!

Rene and Alen, congratulations for moving on... to the next level. Pag may trabaho na kayo at mayaman na, huwag niyo kaming kalimutan.

Kuya Chris, try using Mane and Tail (Bwahahahahahahahah!)

Ivan, I love you very very much. (Did I say that already? Yes? Sorry. But then again, this is my blog...)

Ingatz! God bless! Hope to see you guys soon.

Love you all! Mwah!

Messages : For dLR

Hey lovers!

The last time I saw any of you was when I met up with KC and Rhiyaisa at Vinzons Hall, like, a long time ago. I know, it's really my fault that I'm not in touch, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I chanced upon Ma-anne's Friendster photo album one time while I was reading her blog (I like the current design of your blog, by the way, it's a lot less cluttered and a lot more user friendly) and saw our high school pictures. It's funny, really. I was surprised at how different we looked back then. Then, when I thought about it, I came to realize that we're very different now--and not just physically.

I realized that I know very little about the lives you lead right now.

I know I'm notorious for not returning calls (I'm very forgetful) and not texting back (there's no excuse here, I'm just really lazy) , but I'm not the type who lets go of the most special people in my life.

I hope we find the time to meet up one of these days(yeah, I know, I was the one who got sick and copped out on our last outing, too).

So... Wala lang. And thanks for all the memories!

Take care and may you receive God's blessings with open hearts.

I love you guys! Mwah!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Dream: And Then I Died

I just knew.

Don't ask me how I knew in my dream, I just did. You know the expression "Your life flashes before your eyes"? In my dream, it supposedly did.
Significant people were there : close friends, him, him, him, my family, and a number of teachers. I didn't expect them to be there. And they weren't there to say goodbye, they were just there. They didn't know. Only I knew.
It was night in my dream and the night didn't seem to end. Not surprisingly, I don't quite remember how it started.

The "house" looked more like a dorm. I had my own room. I remember going back there and changing my clothes in there before going out. The hallway to the room was dark and narrow and the doors were small. There were a lot of familiar people living in the rooms. My room was two doors down Dr. Villagonzalo's and right beside Dr. Esguerra's. I remember one of my "housemates" coming in, asking if he could use my bathroom. I had agreed and changed quickly while he was in the loo.

One of the first scenes I remember was fighting with my brother over something trivial. The dishes, I think. The family was supposed to go to church. I think I asked my brother to come, but he declined. I felt a whole heap of regret when we left the "house".

Before we left, there was a party at the house. I was with a lot of friends. The Katipips, M13, and UPPA were there. I knew that there were a number of high school and elementary friends, but for some reason, they blended in with the buzz of the dream's background. There was videoke and drinking, I knew that much. I couldn't find Ivan in the party.

Here's a strange scene. Right when I was about to leave, I saw Erika, Loren, and Rene talking by the bar. I went over, looked Rene in the eye and said "Ako si chuva girl", then left.

I don't remember going to church, but I do remember that in my dream, the late pope John Paul II was just about to die. Strangely enough, everyone knew who would take his place. There was a large crowd in the university ampitheatre where people were praying. I remember the heavy traffic and the sight of what looks like a flood of candles. There were about as many people spreading peculiar rumors about the then dying pope as there were devotees praying.

I was supposed to be with my parents here, right? Instead, I was with Ralph (I'm not entirely sure if Patrick was in the back seat). We were talking about something. I think it was gossip. At that point, I knew that I had a very small amount of time left.

I drove over to a place that was supposed to be a hospital. I was alone. My room was tiny and had a narrow white gurney for a bed. There was a large one-way mirror beside the bed. Apparently, I wouldn't be needing an actual room as I would be dying soon.

When I got to my room, Ivan was there.

I was happy that he was there, I had been searching the entire dream for him. There was a laminated card by the door. It was some kind of manual to the person who would be with the dying. It gave instructions on how to treat the person before he/she died and what to do after. I don't know what kind of sadistic pleasure Ivan felt when he read that to me. I think he was as clueless about what was going to happen as I was.
The card said "Let the person lie down on the bed". Ivan told me to follow and I did. He tickled me first. After a while, his tickling became a gentle massage. He massaged my back to help me relax. I was nervous and sad about having to go so soon, but really glad to have him beside me during such a difficult time. He sat by my bedside and took my hand. His hands were, as usual, warm.
I wanted to tell him that I was afraid of what was going to happen after I die. I was afraid that there was going to be emptiness. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what I was going to miss. But I couldn't tell Ivan any of those things. I knew he was just going to tell me to keep my faith and trust in God. I knew he would be right if he said that. I didn't want to say anything because if I said what I was feeling out loud, my doubts would completely take over and I might die as an unfaithful.

We were quiet and I looked at myself on the silvered side of the one-way mirror.

I would make a beautiful corpse. I was still so young.

I woke up at the same moment I died in my dream. It was a peaceful death. It was something expected.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I woke up. The first sensation I had was my phone vibrating beside my right leg. I looked at it. It was a message Donna sent me at around 2:30 AM. Motorola phones tend to keep making some kind of noise or vibrate periodically when there's an unread message. I read Donna's message and replied.

There are some mornings where you're more grateful that you're still alive than usual.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ramblings : About stars and surviving

Some of the first words of motivation that I received when I first entered university went something like:

“Physics has a high mortality rate. Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Not exactly the most encouraging words to say to a BS Physics/Applied Physics freshman, I imagine, but they do make their mark quite well. Now, I’m not sure how accurate those words would be if you applied them. Let’s make a simple computation:

There were three and a half Physics/Applied Physics blocks (M13, M14, M15, and G22). Let’s say there are twenty-five students per block.

25 x 3.5 = 87.5

87.5 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 = 0.028

Okay... that’s closer to zero than to one. I’m assuming that the statement was a gross exaggeration, seeing as NIP does have its share of graduates and students. Well, I actually knew that it was just an odd hyperbole used to tell us that we weren’t going down easy street; I’m just debunking the myth (the twenty percent rule applies more accurately to the number of people passing one of Dr. So-and-So’s exams).

Anyway, there were about 30 BS Physics and BS Applied Physics graduates last April 23rd. I had the great pleasure of watching their final march as undergraduates. I couldn’t help the giddiness inside, despite my outward reaction of playful bitterness. Seeing my friends and classmates, in their white dresses or barongs and elegant sablays, I realized what the twenty percent myth should have meant to me. Graduating from BS Physics or BS Applied Physics is not impossible, though it’s as difficult as passing through a needle’s eye or putting a needle through your eye (whichever you prefer). This is coming from someone who has the perfect credentials to make such a claim.

It’s alright to hear the speeches of the fortunate ones who were gifted with innate talent in their chosen field and the vision, sense of responsibility and industry to match. The class valedictorian, the most outstanding student, and the commencement speaker, there is little doubt about how much they deserve to speak in front of the graduating class as honored men and women. Their greatness should inspire others to move mountains as they had, right?

Excellence is excellence; I have no problem with displaying that.

But, even though the stars inspire many of us to look up at the night sky, the fact is there are very few who will be inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. Some will be satisfied with dreaming and watching the twinkling constellations from the ground. Others will reach up, but once they realize that the stars are beyond the length of their arms, they will give up and perhaps settle for a dream. Still, others will not even attempt at the dream, seeing the impossibility and foolishness of the matter.

There is really no point in addressing those who are already with the stars and those who have been inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. I will not try to talk the others to be like them, either. Free will gives us the right to choose our path while the laws of nature make it blatantly clear that it is not possible that everyone succeed the way these people do. Just as students can excel in a small unknown college with very little facilities and funding, students can also fail in a university as large and prestigious as UP.

This is the reality of life.

Because, fact is, the people who become stars are, more often than not, already closer to the sky than others. Whether the advantage is monetary, intellectual, physical, or emotional, it is often there. Find your personal advantage, a self-help book would probably say. The concept of comparative advantage tells us that we should develop what we are good at. That’s logical. I don’t contest that. It’s a relatively fair battlefield; we should all have some form of advantage. In my opinion, though, success should not be complicated by norms and society imposed standards. It should be as simple as overcoming a personal goal. This said personal goal should be reasonable and just within or on the limit of possibility.

“Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Yes, only the fittest will survive. So the best question to ask right now is, “What are you fit to be?”

Can’t reach the sky? Be like a firefly, twinkling like fairy dust near the earth. Can’t produce your own light? Reflect it like the water or the glassy grains of sand. You can even capture its creators like the trees that attract fireflies or hold the light itself like a well-cut diamond’s glimmering embrace.

Stars are not the only things that glitter and the surviving twenty percent are not the only people who can shine.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Ramblings : The Most Significant Numbers

I've been stressing these past few days about the weight that I gained this summer. I know, it's summer and its unavoidable, but I really want to look good for the PSHS alumni homecoming. In the words of my dear friend :

"Gusto kong paglawayan nila ang beauty ko."

Bwahahahah... whatever! As if!

Anyway, I attended the CS and University recognitions today (Crap! I have a killer backache from standing up all day!) and noticed how the college deans read the GWA of the summa cum laudes. The highest I heard was 1.04 (from MBB). The next thing I noticed was how, in the university graduation, after the announcement of the names of the honors, the other graduates were presented as :

"Ang mga kasamang nagsipagtapos."

In my opinion, they should have removed the word "kasama". It's like they're saying that the batch of graduates will only be distinguished by the honor graduates. It doesn't really make sense to me, since all 3963 graduates have an opportunity to rise up and make a distinguishing mark on their batch. Sure, the GWA and the words "summa cum laude" on the resume would make a difference when it comes to the number of opportunities given, but in reality, we're all given a chance to make our mark in history.

Look at these numbers : 2.2944 3963 69 717 3177 12 1.04

They don't really mean anything unless I tell you that...

2.2944 is my current GWA.

3963 is the number of UPD graduates this academic year 2005-2006.

69 is the number of PhD's granted , 717 is the number of MS and MA graduates, and 3177 is the number of BS and BA degrees and certifications given today at UPD.

Would it really matter if 12 is the number of students who graduated summa cum laude and the highest GWA for this year is 1.04?

Next year--unless I really take note of these things--I would be hardpressed to remember these numbers. They are, after all, just statistics. They're numbers that don't really count (such a weird thing to say... numbers not counting... ahh whatever!). I'm not saying that they're insignificant, by all means, they are. I just don't think they're that important.

Now, look at these numbers : 1 2 3 4 7 10

The numbers are pretty small. But, these are the numbers I will remember, probably for the rest of my life.

1 is the number of boyfriends I've had up to this point.

2 is the number of people I ended up getting mad at in my college life. It is also the number of people that courted me during college. This is also the number of organizations I joined in college.

counts the number of times I've fallen in love up to this point in my life. And 4 not only counts the number of times I've had my heart broken, but also counts the number of years I've spent with my dearest love. This will also be the number of years I will spend in UPPA and the UPPA Secretariat (Waaaaaah!!! Di na ako nakaalis!!!). 7 was the number of UPPA applicants when I joined.

There are 10 members in the Katipips.

the number of friends, best friends, close friends I gathered throughout my lifetime; the number of people who "came out" to me; the number of times I got into major car accidents are also statistics, but these are statistics that are important to me and forever will be.
My GWA is important to me right now, but once I finish studying, it will be just another number. I remember the CS recognition commencement speaker Paco Sandejas say something sensible : (allow me to paraphrase) the only time we can truly begin learning is when we're not worrying about our grades. The GWA will only be significant to me while I can do something about it, while my actions determine how it is "updated" or while it's being "updated" at all. After college, it will become just another number. I should be looking at the number of years of my life I've enjoyed instead.
The number of people that come and go in my life will be constantly updated. The number of people dear to me, the number of people I encounter, my actions will forever influence these numbers. Circumstance and my own life decisions will continuously "update" these numbers. These will be significant until the day I die. And, in any case, when I'm old and dying, can I console myself with "I had a 1.04 GWA when I graduated from college"?

Now, hopefully, I won't have to update the number of boyfriends that I've had.

So, back to my issues about my weight and my waist line. I figured that the first thing my friends from high school would probably ask is "Kamusta ka na?" So why stress? And even if they do point out that I've gained weight, so what?

I've more significant numbers to look at.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Sometimes you have to look to realize that you've lost something.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

If you keep reading between the lines, you might miss the meaning of the actual text.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Randomness : Goodbye

“Ingat kayo mamaya! Bye-bye! See you tomorrow.

People probably don’t notice because my voice is usually soft, but like Bei, I say this almost automatically before I close the door of the tambayan or the lab on my way home. Automatic. Reflex. Easily done with little thought or burden. Saying goodbye every afternoon to people you’re with everyday makes saying goodbye to people you’re with everyday seem so easy.

But it isn’t.

Saying goodbye when the goodbye really matters is one of the most difficult things to do. When my favorite cousin visited from Canada two years ago, it was one of the hardest things to do in the world: to hug him and tell him to take care and keep in touch. I wanted our time together to last longer. But, in the end, he had to go.

Eventually, we had to say goodbye.

I suppose saying goodbye to him is a lot easier than saying goodbye to friends who are moving on. Geographical distance is a lot easier to conquer than the distance between worlds that do not meet and understand each other. When we graduated from high school, I didn’t know how great the distances between UST, UPLB, Ateneo, the Math Building, and NIP were until I woke up one day with the realization that I could no longer reach my closest friends. We are all from within and around Metro Manila. We didn’t need area codes to call one another. It would be easy to keep in touch. It’s no big deal that we’re from different universities. I had this mentality before we parted ways. Now, I see how far apart we really are. Sure, I could call them, text them, and email them through our Yahoo! group, but whenever I am given a glimpse of the world they’re in, I feel like an alien.

I’m happy for them. I’m sad for them. I sympathize with them. I try to understand and appreciate the world they live in. I try to give them the time of day. I read their blogs and their emails. I generally know what’s going on in their lives.

But we’re no longer part of each other’s everyday worlds. Whenever we’re together, we go back to the high school world we lived in together—a more insightful and pragmatic version of a world that will always dwell in our memories. But this world will only be in our memories. It cannot be melded with the world that we live in right now. Strange twists of Fate or our own efforts could unite my present world with my world in high school, but not without great difficulty. I was not the person I was in high school and I cannot go back the same way I cannot turn back the hands of time.

We’re all in a new crossroad right now, a crossroad that will take many of the people I have gotten used to seeing everyday to worlds that I may never be able to reach. With my cousin, I knew that he would not always be there. That he would have to go away soon. I was fully equipped when he left. I had already come to terms that he was only visiting. And, besides, close as we were, we never really shared a common world in which we were used to living in. With my friends, I didn’t realize how soon “soon” really was. For some time, I had an illusion that they would always be there. It’s selfish, I know, but when you see a person every single day for five years, that person’s presence becomes ingrained in you. The day isn’t complete without that person.

“Goodbye” would always seem so far away.

But, I would imagine that we can’t stay in these crossroads forever. They’ll take that turn that takes them to an entirely new world while I continue to walk down the path we once took together, take care of the world we once shared.

At some point, I would come to another crossroad, but that time, I will be the one taking the turn. I will be the one leaving the path I have gotten to know and used to. I will be the one leaving.

I think I know what I want to hear when that time comes, so I guess that's what I'm going to say to those who are moving on with their lives ahead of me.

"Ingat. God speed. I'll see you sometime, ok? Bye-bye."

Saturday, March 25, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Life, like love, can be compared to anything and everything.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Randomness : Cut and Paste

"Cancel, Cancel" and Reminiscence

On days when I need to do research work and I don't have much time, I, too resort to the quick solution of "cut and paste". You take your resource and cut what you need from it, then paste it on your report or whatever project you need the material for. If need be, you'd paraphrase a bit--erase this sentence, change this word, reconstruct this clause--and make the text your own. It's a quick solution. It doesn't take much effort, and you're almost sure it'll work.

Cut and paste.

How many songs, short stories, novels, movies, TV shows... how many of these things seem to have the perfect solution to our everyday problems?

Cut and paste.

Don't you sometimes wish that you could do that to your life? Cut from the books and the songs and paste the messages and stories they have into the story of your life? Yes, it's easy to write a short story, isn't it? Just cut and paste stories from your own life. But doing the converse, cutting and pasting resolved stories into your own life, isn't something that can be done. Sure, you can learn from them, but the story of your life isn't something you can direct. You can't erase sentences, change words or reconstruct clauses. Because while you're the author of your dialogues and the master of your decisions, you can't direct the motions of everyone else. You can't control circumstance. Like Ralph said, "[Why read a short story] when you can watch it unravel in front of you?" Yes, and like the short stories you're reading for the first time, you don't know how it ends. You just have to wait for the story to pick up momentum, watch the plot thicken and pull you in, climax to a powerful confrontation, and slowly die out to an ending which holds some hidden Aesop fable moral that you can't find.

Cut and paste is just a technique bordering on cheating that makes research work easier.

When we were in high school, my friends and I had an expression in place of the then popular "Erase, erase": "Cancel, cancel". This was something we said whenever someone said something we didn't like. These were the words that were supposed to do exactly what they meant: cancel. Cancel out. Just like its definition during the math discussions that gave birth to it, "Cancel, cancel" simply meant to "remove from the equation". But, like math equations, you can only cancel out the extra terms. You can't cancel the terms that are part of the solution. No matter how hard you try to rearrange a complex equation, if all terms are important, the problem remains complex and thus the solution, elusive. Sometimes, if you force it, you come up with the wrong solution. All the hard work you did becomes meaningless.

Life isn't like Physics or Math. The solution isn't always short and simple when it's correct. The system can't be simplified into a frictionless surface or some perfect figure. And you can't always "cancel, cancel".

I've always preached. From the kindergarten days I spent gently patting the backs of crying classmates to these days I spend searching for the words to calm confused hearts of friends, I have always said the things I thought should be done. I'm selfish in that manner. It's always about what I think. My most common advice is "Think about it. Do what you will, but think about your actions first."


I've always preached, but I rarely practice. I can be impulsive. I don't give enough thought to things. "Easier said than done" rings true. I recently promised myself that I would think before I did anything. To do this, I started reviewing the past. I am starting to learn from the mistakes I committed. I am searching for the right solutions.

Solutions. If there's one thing I learned from Chem 153, it's that you have to learn the definitions before beginning to solve. You have to understand properties, know the equations of state, and memorize the differentials before solving the problem.

Fortunately, my current problems are a lot like the problems I had when I was in high school. Today, things are just a tad bit more complicated. I already know the properties, I know the equations of state, and I have long taken to heart the differentials. So, why can't I solve the problem? Maybe it's because I didn't pay enough attention to how the problem was solved before. Maybe it's because I never even tried to solve the problem before. Maybe I cancelled out necessary variables.

It looks like I have to study a lot more.

Too bad I can't go back to the time I first encountered this problem, look at the solution, then, Cut and Paste.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Dream: This is just plain weird

It seems as though a lot of people in the world believe that dreams mean more than what they are. Oftentimes, it's best to think of dreams as what they are: Dreams. But, sometimes, our dreams show us things we don't want to acknowledge in real life. Sometimes, patterns we don't consider important and consequently ignore in our waking moments become crucial in interpreting what our subconscious has long found to be interesting or important.

Anyway, I'll stop justifying why I keep on recording my dreams and get on with it.
The farthest back I can remember is a class of freshmen visiting one of the senior classes. I don't think I was a member of that class, but I believe Ivan and Atchong were (don't ask me why they're classmates here when they're two year levels apart). The place looked more like the new NIP building, but it seemed bigger in my dream.

I didn't stay in the class, Bei came up to me and called me. You wanted to talk to me for some unknown reason. Bei and I talk for a few minutes, discussing the multitude of probable topics, then she leads me to you. I remember Bei and myself being capable of flight, because we (literally) flew down the stairs. You come up to me and tell me it's important, but also private. You said there were a lot of prying eyes around us and we needed to find a safe place to talk. You take my hand and lead me through the halls. Again, it feels like we're flying. We reach a place which you call "meshy corner", but it doesn't look like the mushy corner in the old building. But there are bags all over the place where people are supposed to sit, and a girl tells us that the spot is reserved for some other people. We look for other places to sit and talk, to no avail.

Before I continue, here's some background information on the me in my dream. It seems as if I wrote something that was published in The Philippine Star that got me in a lot of trouble.

Anyway, when we finally find a place to talk, you give me a tight embrace. It's obvious that something is very wrong, but before you can tell me, you have to go. You don't ask for my help and I don't offer it, but following some unwritten agreement, I go after you to help you (you're running this time). Then, it suddenly feels like we're being chased. Rather, I realize that we're being chased by someone. That someone is big and powerful (magically speaking) and, according to my dream self's description, an insufferable tyrant. It seems as though the big guy has issues with you.

We run all around NIP, trying to get away. There is even a point where I am able to hide myself by changing forms. You're able to do this, too. We rest for a moment and I see, hiding nearby, a man who should be an ally of the big guy who's after us. He's also changed form and looks frightened. I take a moment to look around and see that we're outside. A few meters to our left is a large castle-like building made of pale fleshy pink stones. It's in ruins. I somehow know before I go into it that though it's filled about a quarter way to the ceiling with water, its architecture is magnificent. The big guy passes us and heads right for the ruined building. The man who is hiding with us goes after him and somehow, I know that our cover is blown. I see satyrs and centaurs running away, fearful of the one who is chasing us. We both head for the ruins. He sees you and you fight. I try to help and am able to, once. I think I managed to distract your opponent enough for you to be able to deliver a surprise attack, which we initially thought defeated him. But he comes back much stronger. When I felt that you're about to lose, I become very scared. Not wanting to see your apprently imminent demise, I fly away.

There is actually another matter I have to attend to. I head for the office of the paper I wrote for. When I get there, it's already being closed down by the police. The editor and I try to convince the police to reconsider, but they don't. As the printing machines, files, and computers are taken away, I watch with mounting guilt. I was of no help to you and I was of no help to the people I caused trouble for. I sit on the floor, but before I can scream in frustration, you call me from behind. Relieved to see you, I immediately jump up and give you a hug and ask if you're okay. You hug me back and tell me that it's over. The big guy was defeated. You won. You give me another tight embrace. As you do, I see over your shoulder our friends coming up the stairs. I see Phoebe first. She smiles at me. I pull away just as they come in. You try to talk to me, but there are far too many people.

I hear Ivan's voice. He and Leonard are picking on one of the freshmen that visited Ivan's class. Ivan asked the boy something like, "Di ba bumisita ka sa klase namin? Ano'ng schedule ng klase namin?"
The kid says something like, "Uh...Monday..."
Ivan says, "Patay tayo diyan."
Leonard jokingly reprimands the kid for not knowing the right answer. Ivan explains how the schedule can be derived from the section of the class.
I go to Ivan and kiss him. He smiles at me and puts his arm around me. I feel guilty for leaving you again when you say you have something important to say. But at that moment, I was missing Ivan.

And then I woke up. When I woke up, it was almost like I saw end credits roll down in my head. Here's the song that was playing in my head the moment I woke up.

by Apo Hiking Society

Panalangin ko sa habang buhay
Makapiling ka Makasama ka
Yan ang panalangin ko

At hindi papayag ang pusong ito
Mawala ka sa 'king piling
Mahal ko iyong dinggin

Wala nang iba pang mas mahalaga
Sa tamis na dulot ng pag-ibig natin dal'wa
At sana nama'y makikinig ka
Kapag aking sabihing minamahal kita

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Sometimes, the true worth of things are found in the richness of their history.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

  1. If you die tomorrow to whom would you leave everything you own?
    • I don't really own anything that is exclusively mine. I imagine I would leave most things to my family, dLR, Katipips, Pats, and my other dear friends.
  2. Who is the one person that you could stand spending a straight 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with?
    • I would imagine, Ivan. Actually, it would be easier for me to answer the question on who I would get annoyed with.
  3. What if you woke up tomorrow and you were someone else completely, who would you be?
    • Zsa zsa Zaturnah! (did I get that right? Ahahay!)
  4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change (personality or looks)?
    • I want to change so many things about me, but when it comes right down to it, I don't really know what in particular I want to be different. I know, weird.
  5. If you could be a member of any band that has ever existed, what band would that be?
    • The band that first played the Philippine National Anthem.
  6. milk chocolate or dark chocolate?
    • dark chocolate
  7. waffles or pancakes?
    • waffles
  8. chocolate or vanilla?
    • chocolate
  9. eminem-please stand up or please shut up?
    • oh, please... SHUT UP!
  10. If you could be in any movie as the lead role what movie would it be?
    • Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct (buwahahahahahahahah!!!)
  11. If you could design your perfect mate whatwould he/she look like and be like?
    • oh my... I'm not really a looks person...
  12. What is the single most embarrassing thing thathas ever happened to you?
    • I embarrass easily
  13. fallen in front of someone you thought to be quite good looking?
    • Four words: Eia fell for Rey
  14. gone skinny-dipping?
    • Yeah! That was a really wild period in my life. I even had a canary yellow bikini! Yes... I was really wild 20 years ago. **wink**
  15. gotten in a car wreck where you are the driver?
    • I didn't exactly wreck the car. I was able to drive it to school afterwards.
  16. started laughing really hard so you just spitout what you had in your mouth cause you couldn't swallow?
    • eheheh.... no.
  17. swallow a bug?
    • Again, 20 years ago.
  18. If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars?
    • I'd put part of my money in time deposit then another part in a savings account. I would live on that money for awhile while I write a novel or something.
  19. get five piercings or five tattoos?
    • piercings.
  20. be stranded on an island with a clueless hottie or someone gross with survival training?
    • someone gross with survival training.
  21. have wheels instead of legs or wings instead ofarms?
    • no thanks. I'm happy with the way God created man.
  22. change your past or know your future?
    • if I had to choose, change my past. But if possible, I wouldn't do either.
  23. be normal and ignored or brilliant and disliked?
    • brilliant and disliked.
  24. have a boy/girl friend or a sweet car?
    • boyfriend
  25. Yummy food you make?
    • uhm... Lucky Me pancit canton?
  26. Is nipples a very funny word?
    • **lol**
  27. wanna go to Northwestern University?
    • Nope
  28. if you had to go live in borneo for the rest ofyour life & you could take one person on this earth,who would you take?
    • Borneo isn't far... Ivan.
  29. Would your bf/gf be a smoker?
    • higkh! NO!

Reminders : You know who you are...

Bastusan na kung bastusan.

Darling, before hostility breaks out, please remember your own words.
"Siyempre, mahal na mahal ko [siya] and everything follows, pati na patience and understanding"
"Pakiramdam ko hindi ko narereciprocate yung pagmamahal at attention na ibinibigay niya sa akin.
Trust me. I'm not paraphrasing. Before you make another impulsive move, remember what you said, rethink what you did, and learn from those things. The problem with emotional actions is they're governed by emotions. There's little logic or ethic or morality involved.

God speed.

Monday, March 20, 2006


Sometimes people are so hard to understand. Unfortunately, because we're social beings, we're forced to try and understand them. We try to search for the meanings of their actions and we try to search for the appropriate responses to these actions.

Socializing is taking one blind step after another, isn't it?

Case 1

I don't know why he picks on me. He's like a bully only, he's scrawny. Okay, so he doesn't really pick on me. He just nitpicks on almost everything I do.

At least it feels that way.

In retrospect, it's probably because his approval is important to me that I notice his being critical. After all, in some way, he *was* my boss. Also, maybe it's because I'm already feeling hostile towards him, consequently making me think that he's hostile towards me as well.

I did say once that when we don't know how people will react, we often assume that they will react the way we would. Alternately, I suppose, when we are in a bad mood, we view others in a bad light. He makes me feel lousy, so I automatically assume that he is a lousy person and is trying to make me feel bad. Ego trip, much? Maybe he isn't even thinking about me.

Ivan is right, I'm thinking about this too much.

So let's move on...

Case 2

Here's the deal, we're not even close.

He knows very well that I have a boyfriend. I'm not sure if I told him, but I'm pretty sure he's seen Ivan pick me up from class. I'm not exactly shy about showing people that I'm Ivan's and vice-versa. All our groupmates are well aware of this fact...

I think...

Anyway, whenever we chance upon each other online, he sends me an IM. I often find offline messages from him. He sends me messages even when he's in invisible mode (ie. when he's hiding from his friends because he has a lot of work to do). I didn't think he liked me when we were working together on our play. I thought he found me incompetent and annoying as a director. He's a cheerful guy. He has a great disposition, the type who greets anyone he knows with a smile and a happy, "Hi."

I could easily write this off as someone who's just being nice.

I don't know... I'm not attracted to him, so I don't see how I could possibly imagine him being attracted to me. I mean, if we look at it in terms of my theory of reciprocals. "Woman's intuition", Ivan calls it. I instinctively know that he doesn't just "like me", rather he "likes me likes me".

Ahh...weird. It's probably nothing. I just find it strange that he was worried that I was mad at him for no apparent reason, that he notices every little thing about my YM status (my avatar, my status message, the smileys that I use...), that he talks to me about everything under the sun...

He doesn't talk to me much in class.

Agh! Whatever!

I'm rambling. I'm not making sense. I should get back to 171 now...

Lyrics Trip: Fate is Beautiful from SailorMoon

Unmei wa Utsukushi
Image song: Sailor Neptune

Saisho ni mitsumeta ano toki (The first time we gazed [at each other])
Kaze no kaori ga shita natsukashii egao (The sweet wind on your dear smiling face)
Fushigi na chikara ni yobarete (Called by a mysterious power)
Meguriaeta imi ni kidzuite hayaku (Found out quickly what that chance encounter meant)

Hiroi sora no shita zutto sagashiteta
Atrsui anata no hitomi o

Kono unmei wa utsukushiku (This fate is beautifully)
Watashi no namida o kagayaka serukara (makes my tears shine)
Don'na omoide ga hikitomete mo
Mou nido to furimukanai son'na ki ga shita

Anata ni nobashita yubisaki
Fukai yami no iro ni somerarete yuku no
Tsumetai arashi ni mezameru
To'oi yume ga itsuka honto ni natte mo

Eranda subete o shinjiru koto ga
Asu o kaeteku chikara ne

Kono unmei wa uruwashiku
Watashi no suhada o kagayaka serukara
Don'na kanashimi ga oshiyosete mo
Mou nido to kizutrukanai anata ga ireba

Kono unmei way utsukushiku
Watashi no namida o kagayaka serukara
Don'na kanashimi ga oshiyosete mo
Mou nido to kizutsukanai anata ga ireba

Anata ga ireba (If you are close)
Anata ga ireba (If you are close)

I vow to translate this one day!!! (My Japanese is so rusty...)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Happiness and love can be elusive if you chase after them.

Tickle Me!

Take this test at Tickle

You're a Steady Supporter

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.

For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

Brought to you by Tickle

Take this test at Tickle

You're fit to commit because you know what you want

You don't need us to tell you that you're on the right track. A cool and confident person, you know what you want; now it's just a matter of finding it. Even more important, you know that love is about much more than what kind of clothes they wear or car they drive. And you're ready to make it work.

You've gotten to a place where you are happy with your life, and you're ready to share it with someone special. So whether you've found them or are still looking, know that this time, you'll get what you want.

Are You Fit to Commit?

Brought to you by Tickle

Saturday, March 18, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Mornings are not overrated, nights out are.

It is done (a long-winded account of yesterday)

I never thought I could get through yesterday, but when I woke up this...

...err... **checks clock**

...afternoon . I realized that I actually did. I didn't get through the day unscathed, but I got through it nonetheless and it ended so beautifully.

I hope nobody minds if I rant and rave about yesterday.

Of course you don't...

So, here we go. The day started as lousy as I had expected. I got up at 3:30 AM to study for Chem 153. It was frustrating because for some reason nothing was registering. Maybe I was just really tired since it was the end of the week. I was in school by 7:15 AM. The exam started at 7:45 AM.

I feel bad for being so down just then when my friend Marianne had a worse morning than I did. Not only did she have to take that accursed Chemistry exam (it should have been easy. I recognized the questions from our assignments, but I was too spazzed out to remember anything), but her celphone was stolen on her way to school.

It's an MO I heard of before, the person beside you on a jeep would "drop coins" near your feet. He would then try to "pick up" his coins by pushing your legs aside. As your attention is focused on the guy whose picking up coins near your feet, an accomplice would pick your pocket. When the guy has picked up his coins, he would get off the jeep. The accomplice would describe your stolen belongings and tell you that the other guy had them and would encourage you to get off the jeep and run after the coin-dropping guy. If ever you catch up to the coin-dropping guy, he wouldn't have your stuff and you can't charge him.

She went through that and had to finish the AP 171 midterm to boot! Not to mention their Physics 192 project, which they would have to present on Wednesday.
Okay, back to the rest of my day. After the Chem exam, I headed straight for the Kas 2 exam. She came in half an hour late (as always), which was a good thing because it gave me time to study for her exam.

I got a pretty good mark on that one.

Now, the problem with a teacher who always comes in late is she always dismisses us late. This was NOT good because the PI 100 final exam, which came right after Kas 2, was composed of 10 essay questions. I was a good twenty minutes late for that exam. So... let's see... (90 minutes - 20 minutes)/10 essay questions gives me roughly seven minutes to answer each question. Thanks to lack of sleep, I couldn't put my ideas together! The PI exam left me unbelievably frustrated. But, I didn't really have time to think about how lousy I felt about my Chem and PI exam because I still had my Physics 196 final presentation to worry about. At the back of my head, it also began dawning on me that the person I assigned to take care of the UPPA special elections would probably not take care of it.

It's a good thing my brain was reduced to little more than lukewarm oatmeal swimming with random sexual fantasies, naughty dreams, murderous tendencies, and molecular dynamics. By the time my seminar was up, I wasn't functioning well enough to actually be intimidated by Dr. Magpantay's grilling (I think he was asleep for most part of the presentation, though).

Okay, that's done. I rushed to see what was happening in the UPPA elections. It was 2:30 PM by then. When I got to the tambayan, sure enough, my beloved Electoral Board member had not lifted a finger to open the polls. I didn't really have the strength to get mad, I had yet to eat and my day had yet to wind down. So, I announced that the elections would be opened at 3:30 PM, I checked my email for nominations and left for the Shopping Center (aka Dilimall) to print up ballots and a voters list.

The heavens were kind to me, because as I walked to the car, I saw Ivan.

My wonderful boyfriend made me smile with his own harrowing experience of the day.

WARNING! The following account may not be suited for very young audiences. Parental guidance is advised.

He went up to the men's room to take a leak. It was an "off peak time" for the restrooms because it was 12:30 PM (restroom peak times are during the class dismissal times, which happen at 8:30 AM, 10:00 AM, 11:30 AM, 1:00 PM, 2:30 PM, and 4:00 PM, plus or minus five minutes). Ivan wears sneakers, which apparently help him "sneak around" the halls of our beloved institute. His shoes make his walk very quiet. When he got to the rest room, he saw a guy standing there. What made this sight strange was the guy in red kneeling in front of him. My dear Ivan, wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt, assumed the two were just trying to fix the standing guy's pants. When Ivan got a better look, he saw that standing guy was standing in more than two ways and the guy in red was "helping him out". Think

The poor dear was severely scandalized.

It didn't really take me long to get the ballots printed and photocopied. I also bought an extra piece of manila paper just in case we would need a new tally sheet. We were able to open the elections at 3:45 PM. Not a lot of people voted, but I really wasn't expecting a big voter turn out considering the circumstances. We just had enough voters to reach quorum.

The elections didn't really fray my nerves. I was in a better mood, because Ivan was there and Earl, another member of the electoral board took over while I had my (in my opinion) much deserved lunchbreak. What pissed me off was someone had the nerve to be critical of me and my electoral proceedings (which, to be fair, I must admit were far from perfect) when I was doing the best that I could to make the elections work. I mean, DUDE! Sorry for being human and all, but I'm NOT YOU! I can only do so much!

Okay, that said, I need not elaborate on what happened. I just needed to say that I was pissed off. I mean, it was a really looooooong day and he was pushing me to the edge AGAIN.

For the umpteenth time in my life, Ivan to the rescue. He took me home and with a little bit of and a little bit of and a whole lotta , I was happy again.

I'm so lucky.

I suppose I've ranted and raved long enough. I have a lot more work to catch up on and I still need to rest up a bit more. Still haven't recovered fully from Monday night's stomach flu.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Song : Tao Lang (Filipino)

Sorry na
Kung anuman ang nagawa
Pasensya na
Kung may nasabing masama
Hindi ako perpekto
At kahit tao lang ako
Nagkakamali man
Mayro'n ding pakiramdam

Sorry na
Kung mayroon pagkukulang
Pasensya na
Kung may hindi ako alam
Hindi ako si superman
At kahit tao lang ako
Di ko man kaya ang lahat
Naghahanap rin ng pagtanggap

Sorry na (Sorry na at tao lang ako)
Pasensya na (Kung hindi ako perpekto)
Alam kong hindi ako ang
Taong pinapangarap mo
Ang kailangan ko lang naman
Ay kaunting respeto mo

Sorry na (Sorry na lang sayo)
Ayoko na (Ayoko nang magalit pa)
Pasensya na (Ako'y magpapaalam na)
Sorry na

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Iba ang pangarap sa panaginip. Ang pangarap inaasam mo, pinagdarasal, at palaging maganda. Pero ang panaginip puwede maging masama, puwedeng maging bangungot. Maliliit na detalye, malaking pagkakaiba na madalas hindi napupuna.

Lyrics Trip: "White Flag" by Dido

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I still would have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well, I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you
Can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet, as I'm sure we will
All that I was then, will be there still
I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

There are so many things I have to talk to you about.

There are so many things that I want to tell you.

You may not be a believer of the idea that whenever you give a part of yourself to someone, be that person a friend or something more, that part of you remains with that person no matter what happens. We were living in another place and another time when I gave a part of me to you. Whatever happens in a world that isn't real will most likely not belong to a world that is harsh with reality.
Unfortunately, I can never take that part back and you can never give it back. And, as opposed to what the song says, I've given up. I've surrendered.

This is my white flag to you. Kilala naman nating lahat kung sino talaga ang mahal mo. (Sige! Deny mo pa!)

You don't have to keep your promise. I won't hold you to it.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Lyrics Trip: Shakespeare in Love by Layla

He's fought and he's fallen
He's on his knees before he's on his feet
A sinister romantic
Oh, he's about to be and she's about to see

Teaching torches to burn bright
She's hanging on the cheek of night
A snowy dove trooping with crows
He never saw true beauty till tonight

She'll take him to the brink of deliverance
Show him that much
Oh don't you know it
Oh don't you know it
So he falls in love to feel that he falling
She'll let him know his heart
Oh, don't you know it
Oh, don't you know it
That's Shakespeare in love

He's fought and he's fallen
He's on his knees before he's on his feet
A glittery romantic
Oh, he's about to be and she's about to see

His bounty's boundless like the sea
His love is endless, just as deep
The more he gives the more he has
'Cause both of them are truly infinite

She'll take him to the brink of deliverance
Show him that much
Oh, don't you know it
Oh, don't you know it
So he falls in love to feel that he's falling
She'll let him know his heart
Oh don't you know it
Oh don't you know it
That's Shakespeare in love

That's Shakespeare in love

Wahahahay!!! In love ka na naman!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Lyrics Trip: Himala by Rivermaya

Pangarap kong (My dream is)
Makita kang (To see you)
Naglalaro sa buwan (Playing on the moon)

Inalay mo (You offered)
Sa akin ang (Me the)
Gabing walang hanggan (Never ending night)

Hindi mahanap sa lupa ang pag-asa ([I] Can't find hope on earth)
Nakikiusap na lang ([I] am asking [for a])

Himala (Miracle)
Kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng (Is it a sin to ask the heavens for)
Isang himala (One miracle?)
Kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng (Is it a sin to ask the heavens for)
Isang himala (One miracle?)

Panagarap ko'y (My dream is)
Makita ang (To see the)
Liwanag ng umaga (Light of the morning/day)

Naglalambing (Flirting (I cannot think of a translation))
Sa iyong mga (With your )
Mata (Eyes)

'Di mahagilap sa lupa ang pag-asa ([I] Can't find hope of earth)
Nakikiusap sa buwan ([I'm] Asking the moon [for])

Himala ([a] Miracle)
Kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng (Is it a sin to ask the heavens for)
Isang himala (One miracle)
Kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng (Is it a sing to ask the heavens for)
Isang himala (One miracle)

Not really sure why I put in the most literal translation of the song. Why did I put the song up in the first place?

The first turn in Pusoy Dos should always have the three of clubs...

It's also the favorite song of one of my friends. Go figure. *smiiiile*