Saturday, April 29, 2006

Dream: And Then I Died

I just knew.

Don't ask me how I knew in my dream, I just did. You know the expression "Your life flashes before your eyes"? In my dream, it supposedly did.
Significant people were there : close friends, him, him, him, my family, and a number of teachers. I didn't expect them to be there. And they weren't there to say goodbye, they were just there. They didn't know. Only I knew.
It was night in my dream and the night didn't seem to end. Not surprisingly, I don't quite remember how it started.

The "house" looked more like a dorm. I had my own room. I remember going back there and changing my clothes in there before going out. The hallway to the room was dark and narrow and the doors were small. There were a lot of familiar people living in the rooms. My room was two doors down Dr. Villagonzalo's and right beside Dr. Esguerra's. I remember one of my "housemates" coming in, asking if he could use my bathroom. I had agreed and changed quickly while he was in the loo.

One of the first scenes I remember was fighting with my brother over something trivial. The dishes, I think. The family was supposed to go to church. I think I asked my brother to come, but he declined. I felt a whole heap of regret when we left the "house".

Before we left, there was a party at the house. I was with a lot of friends. The Katipips, M13, and UPPA were there. I knew that there were a number of high school and elementary friends, but for some reason, they blended in with the buzz of the dream's background. There was videoke and drinking, I knew that much. I couldn't find Ivan in the party.

Here's a strange scene. Right when I was about to leave, I saw Erika, Loren, and Rene talking by the bar. I went over, looked Rene in the eye and said "Ako si chuva girl", then left.

I don't remember going to church, but I do remember that in my dream, the late pope John Paul II was just about to die. Strangely enough, everyone knew who would take his place. There was a large crowd in the university ampitheatre where people were praying. I remember the heavy traffic and the sight of what looks like a flood of candles. There were about as many people spreading peculiar rumors about the then dying pope as there were devotees praying.

I was supposed to be with my parents here, right? Instead, I was with Ralph (I'm not entirely sure if Patrick was in the back seat). We were talking about something. I think it was gossip. At that point, I knew that I had a very small amount of time left.

I drove over to a place that was supposed to be a hospital. I was alone. My room was tiny and had a narrow white gurney for a bed. There was a large one-way mirror beside the bed. Apparently, I wouldn't be needing an actual room as I would be dying soon.

When I got to my room, Ivan was there.

I was happy that he was there, I had been searching the entire dream for him. There was a laminated card by the door. It was some kind of manual to the person who would be with the dying. It gave instructions on how to treat the person before he/she died and what to do after. I don't know what kind of sadistic pleasure Ivan felt when he read that to me. I think he was as clueless about what was going to happen as I was.
The card said "Let the person lie down on the bed". Ivan told me to follow and I did. He tickled me first. After a while, his tickling became a gentle massage. He massaged my back to help me relax. I was nervous and sad about having to go so soon, but really glad to have him beside me during such a difficult time. He sat by my bedside and took my hand. His hands were, as usual, warm.
I wanted to tell him that I was afraid of what was going to happen after I die. I was afraid that there was going to be emptiness. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what I was going to miss. But I couldn't tell Ivan any of those things. I knew he was just going to tell me to keep my faith and trust in God. I knew he would be right if he said that. I didn't want to say anything because if I said what I was feeling out loud, my doubts would completely take over and I might die as an unfaithful.

We were quiet and I looked at myself on the silvered side of the one-way mirror.

I would make a beautiful corpse. I was still so young.

I woke up at the same moment I died in my dream. It was a peaceful death. It was something expected.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I woke up. The first sensation I had was my phone vibrating beside my right leg. I looked at it. It was a message Donna sent me at around 2:30 AM. Motorola phones tend to keep making some kind of noise or vibrate periodically when there's an unread message. I read Donna's message and replied.

There are some mornings where you're more grateful that you're still alive than usual.

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