Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Dream: My Greatest Dream and Nightmare

There is an 90% chance that I may never get pregnant. I have Amenorrhea due to a much more complicated condition. I have come to terms with that long ago. I hold on to the remaining 20% and try to ignore the fact that if ever I do get pregnant, there is about a 50% chance that it would only end in a miscarriage. I suppose it might sound odd that one of the dreams that I have deem to be unattainable is one of the few things women can do that men can't. When I was much younger, I thought about what my children would be like.

I keep that dream until now. At least I think I do.

My dream last night made me wonder.

There was a very long line in the hospital. It really wasn't unusual, because our health insurance provider has a lot of clients. I didn't know why I was there, but with my many "problems" I was used to being in the hospital for some random reason. My mother has this tendency of taking me to the hospital at the slightest complaint, so often, I don't usually tell her when I'm not feeling well. But I felt fine. Why was I there?

When my turn was up, I was brought into the small examining room of the health insurance clinic. The doctor was an Ob-Gyn. She was a fairly tall and slender woman with short hair that just brushed the bottom of her ears. She reminded me of "Mom" from Martin Mystery, if the latter wasn't a cartoon. Anyway, I was told to lie on the examining table and she first began feeling my abdomen. She asked me if I was feeling any pain. I said no. She asked if I felt pain when she applied pressure. No. She then asked me if I had very painful periods. More often than not. She instructed me to take off my underwear and roll up my skirt and to position myself on the examining table. I imagine everyone knows the examining position and I don't have to describe it. She placed a blanket over my lower body and continued her examination. Nausea? No. Fatigued? A bit, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. Headaches? Menstrual cramps recently? Spotting? No, no, and no.

She finished her examination and had a strange look on her face. "Kristine," she said, calling me by my "professional" name. "You're pregnant."

Excuse me? I thought I was as sterile as a hospital clean room or a brain surgeon's scalpel or something. Then, I realized how frightened I was.

The thought of having my own children excites me, but at this point in my life, I'm not ready. Heaven knows where that dream came from. But it made me realize that as much as I want to become a mother, it would be a far worse thing for me to become a bad and incapable mother than not become a mother at all.

It is an old Jewish belief that barren women are women cursed by God. Sarah wife of Abraham and Elizabeth mother of John the Baptist were such women who were gifted with children against all odds. But I believe that a mother who cannot take care of her children is a curse to her children.

I'd rather me than them.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Messages : For Katipips

Hi guys!

Wala lang. This is the result of someone trying to learn how to use Adobe Photoshop and that said someone having lots of spare time. Sorry if you don't like the pictures I used, I don't have a lot of pictures in my digital album.

Are we still going to Galera? Can you lend me money? Or better yet... libre niyo na lang ako. Heheh...

Summer is driving me crazy with high temperatures and boredom! I hope to see you guys (all together, as in buo) soon. The last time we got together as a relatively large group was when we ate at Gayuma last... I don't remember when...

So, you guys take care!

Ivan, I love you! I'll post that picture you asked me to post later (after Wackie finishes with the computer).

Ralph, hope we can talk to each other (in person) next time.

Phoebe, sorry I wasn't able to join you guys at Star City. I hope you had a lot of fun.

Rey, alam mo na yun.

Lourdes, I miss you! Paramdam ka naman!

Leonard, see you in the next university graduation. Kaya natin ito!

Rene and Alen, congratulations for moving on... to the next level. Pag may trabaho na kayo at mayaman na, huwag niyo kaming kalimutan.

Kuya Chris, try using Mane and Tail (Bwahahahahahahahah!)

Ivan, I love you very very much. (Did I say that already? Yes? Sorry. But then again, this is my blog...)

Ingatz! God bless! Hope to see you guys soon.

Love you all! Mwah!

Messages : For dLR

Hey lovers!

The last time I saw any of you was when I met up with KC and Rhiyaisa at Vinzons Hall, like, a long time ago. I know, it's really my fault that I'm not in touch, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I chanced upon Ma-anne's Friendster photo album one time while I was reading her blog (I like the current design of your blog, by the way, it's a lot less cluttered and a lot more user friendly) and saw our high school pictures. It's funny, really. I was surprised at how different we looked back then. Then, when I thought about it, I came to realize that we're very different now--and not just physically.

I realized that I know very little about the lives you lead right now.

I know I'm notorious for not returning calls (I'm very forgetful) and not texting back (there's no excuse here, I'm just really lazy) , but I'm not the type who lets go of the most special people in my life.

I hope we find the time to meet up one of these days(yeah, I know, I was the one who got sick and copped out on our last outing, too).

So... Wala lang. And thanks for all the memories!

Take care and may you receive God's blessings with open hearts.

I love you guys! Mwah!