Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Unfinished Chapters

Whenever I write a story, my audience expects a certain "terminal result".

And, no, it's not the quintessential happy ending. They're more used to my angst-ridden conclusions than anything else. Like Donnabelle, I rarely write when I'm happy so I rarely write happy stories with fluffy endings.


But, that's not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that most people would prefer that the story they began reading be not open ended. Similarly, in life, most people would rather that the plot twists and conflicts in their lives not remain unresolved.

There are two unresolved chapters in my love life. I have a particular ending that I'm gunning for. The ending I want to happen is far from painless, but at least, most conclusive.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

No Win Situation

This is the first time in my life that this has happened: that two of my principles conflicted with each other.

I never realized that was possible, that my sense of duty for one thing would go against my sense of duty for another. In this situation, I don't really want to explain myself. I don't see the point. As I thought things through yesterday afternoon, I knew that whichever way I went, no outcome would be pleasing. I knew that no matter what I did, I would still be wracked with guilt and some sense of responsibility afterwards.

Both parties trusted me. I just went with the group that had no real offense.

While everyone tells me that I had no fault in the matter, the truth is, I am well aware that I let things happen the way they did. I am not solely responsible, but I am not free from responsibility. They say that I'm overthinking things, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't have to think much to feel guilty.

There is a line in House that made me think: "You can't control your emotions, only your actions." I wanted to say that yesterday, but I didn't want to expect something like that from someone else when I myself couldn't accomplish it. This is my last real semester in UPPA, I wanted so bad to ensure its future. I shouldn't have gotten involved, and yet I did, and by the looks on everyone's faces as they went home last night, it's quite obvious how badly I messed up.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Flipside: It's not easy to be loved

I'm used to developing unrequited feelings.

I always thought that it was much easier to be on the receiving end , because how difficult could it be to be loved? If the other person did not love me back, they shouldn't be affected by how I felt, right?

I lost one of my dearest friends--and, consequently, the first person I ever had romantic feelings for--because of this mentality. We were really close back then so I was well aware that he didn't see me that way. I was the one feeling the pain of rejection (not quite outright, but it was still the case) and he was causing it. I didn't see how he could be in pain, himself.

It turns out, the laws of action and reaction work in these cases as well. Especially when the dynamic happens between good friends.

Back to the present, it was a rather perplexed revelation that forced me to see things in retrospect. While looking for ways to comfort him, I was made to draw from my own experiences as someone who was on the "unrequited" end. It then dawned on me that in his case, both ends were, in a way, unrequited. Her love was unrequited, that one was clear. On the other hand, his friendship was unrequited as well. Sure, she was willing to be friends with him, but not without consequence to him. Interestingly enough, there was also a mutual rejection. While he rejected her feelings for him, she was rejecting what he was.

I was guilty of that with him.

In the same way he couldn't accept the love I had to give him, I couldn't accept that he would still tell me about the girls (not me) he liked, be caring and sweet as he had always been. Everytime he was himself, he was hurting me by showing me what I was missing. Everytime he treated me as the friend that I was to him, he was making me hope for something that should have been long decided to be unreachable.

I didn't realize how much I was demanding from him until it was too late.

I guess it's not just the girls who find it difficult to turn down those who're courting them.

I'm not sure how well I understand both ends of the spectrum. I'm even more uncertain of how well I explained it to him. But, the bottom line is, while it is difficult to love someone who doesn't love you back; it's equally difficult to care for someone who loves you, but you don't love back.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)

Annie Lennox

Sweet dreams are made of these
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something.

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.

-

The song's stuck in my head. I think it has something to do with one of the lifestyle network's commercials. Or perhaps it has something to do with a blog entry I recently read.

Six Random Facts About Me

Was tagged by The OC

Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six of your friends and tag them! (No tag backs). This explanation must be included, of course.

That said, let's get it on!

Hoookaaaay...

  1. I hate speaking in front of an audience. I'm usually so terrified that I end up making a complete fool of myself.

  2. I have unnaturally low blood pressure. My "normal" blood pressure is about 90/70, or something like that. I think it runs in the family, because my mom has low blood pressure, as well.

  3. The first (non-family) person to kiss me on the lips was a girl. It happened right before our IPS (Introduction to Physical Science) class in our first year of high school. Oh, gawds...no, I wasn't expecting it... I didn't like her in that way... I didn't like it... it was FREAKY!!! And, I don't know why she did it, either.

  4. I am officially a yaoi fangirl. I don't fangirl yaoi couples beyond anime, though. While I'm very open to the idea of gay couples, guy on guy still kinda freaks me out. Oh, and, of course, it should go without saying that I'm an anime/manga-addict as well.

  5. Contrary to popular belief, I do drive over 100 kph. I just don't do it too often. I don't drive that fast when I'm with other people, cause chances are, I would be talking to said other people and would, therefore, be distracted.

  6. I like long passwords. Eheheh... couldn't think of anything else. Edit:It's difficult for me to fall in love, but at the same time, it's also difficult for me to get over the one I have learned to love. Took a cue from Bei's blog. I found this fact 6 a bit corny.


Okay, now for the tagging part. Ma-Anne, Ligaya, Kay, Rainstruck, baregoddess, and Steph, I choose you!

Monday, September 11, 2006

...MIddle of the Night...

I was awakened by one dang freaky dream.

I hate it when that happens.

I like dreaming just fine. Dreams are fun things to have given that they're not too scary. This one was scary.

Grrrrgh... now I can't go back to sleep. Oh well, might as well do my Chem lab report...

Friday, September 08, 2006

Randomness

Taking a short break after fixing up my lab workstation and before running up to the second floor for Physics 141...

Hey, today is the 8th of September... It's Mama Mary's birthday. The guy in church said that it's a holiday of obligation, I always thought the holiday of obligation was the 8th of December (Immaculate Concepcion). Well, it looks like I won't be able to hear mass, anyway.

Come to think of it, today should also be the deadline for the "Camera Ready Manuscripts" and "One-Page Extended Abstract" for our SPP paper. Where's the acceptance notice? (Wahahahah... I'm actually expecting one. How funny.)

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Still feeling sick. No, scratch that, I'm feeling S.I.C.K. Damn antibiotics are making me nauseous. How can something that's supposed to cure you make you feel so messed up?

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Heheh... Ivan oozes mmm-smex in that shirt he so affectionately calls his "callboy shirt". Why'd I have to have all these Catholic sensibilities that are making me oh-so-guilty for being human?

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Rene and I chatted for a short while this afternoon after I helped Micielle install Ubuntu to her workstation. He seems real happy with his job.

I wish I graduated on time...

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Thinking Ivan is sexy...

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Must go to class...

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Too lazy...

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Mmm....

Ivan... XD

....Must go.... Physics 141....

...going now....