Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Defeated

No one can say I didn't fight to the last moment. It's currently 5:30 am in the morning of the day of the thesis draft deadline and I haven't slept a wink all night. Ironically, I barely wrote a word because I spent the night debugging. I didn't even give myself time to freak out when I realized my results were incomplete. Ok, so maybe I didn't do everything in my power to finish my draft or fix my program, else I wouldn't have rested a couple of hours with a comic book or gone book shopping. I suppose I knew since the original draft deadline arrived--and I had little more than squat written, exams and reports due, and the (long bleep)NIP APIS to deal with--that I couldn't possibly finish this on time. There were far too many things to do and I had neither the drive nor the energy to finish all of them...

...and everyone was so sure for me. That's what bothered me the most these past few weeks. Part of me acknowledges that other people's expectation that I would be graduating this semester was the only reason I pushed myself up to this point.

I will continue to write my thesis throughout the day, and I will continue to review my program to see what's going wrong. But, I don't think people would blame me if I chose to shed a few tears before getting back to work.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Kiss

What is the value of a kiss?

Someone asked me this question. And, in my youthful inadequacy, I have no real answer save that which comes from my heart--these things which were not thought of.

A kiss is more than the sum of its parts. It's more than lips touching skin; more than passion; more than heat, and tongue, and teeth. For if a kiss were only that, then if I sought to kiss, I could kiss whoever was willing and I would be satisfied. Yet, I continue to seek kisses from only a few people while I am unstirred by the most passionate of the lot that I care little for.

I have kissed so many--family, friends, and lovers--so many times. The value of a kiss does not whither with use. My lips still seek contact and my skin longs for that tender brush of affection.

No, even now, I cannot take a kiss for granted.

In my mind, each kiss is worth as much as the one I share it with. It feels as much as I feel about my partner. It is taken for granted only when one takes the other for granted. It is loved only when there is love shared. It is an enjoyable passionate heat only when there is desire for the flesh.

No, that is not as accurate as it should be.

Rather, the value of each kiss is worth as much as that moment during that kiss shared with that person. Be that beloved or taken for granted, lingering or fleeting, passionate or in passing.

PdLR's Thought for the Day


"It is nothing to die; it is frightful not to live."

Jean Valjean
Victor Hugo's Les Miserables

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Despondence

Some of the most painful words I've ever heard in my life were,

"You're selfish. You don't think of anyone else."

Thing is, I always said that to myself. I never really heard it from anyone else, probably due to Filipino politesse that requires as little honesty as possible, and all that crap. Whenever I reminded myself of that, it hurt. But when the person who so often reassured me that I wasn't as awful as I thought threw those words at me--albeit, not in such blunt phrasing--it felt as if my heart was being torn out. And the human body, being such a wretched thing,hid the initial pain behind a mass of shock and a series of defense mechanisms. I didn't realize the damage so short a statement could cause until it was too late and I no longer knew how to bring things back to how they were. The full blow only struck me when I stopped to think about it.

And the most painful part is I knew that person was right; and I don't have the heart to either defend myself and take things back.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Five or More


Move balls around the grid and try and form lines of same colored balls. Once you form five in a row, the line disappears. Unfortunately more balls keep dropping in.

I had just finished fixing the software problems of one of our lab computers when I decided to relax and play Five or More. One of my seniors saw me playing and told me she didn't like the game, because she never won. I smiled at her and said, "This is one of those game where you will eventually lose; it's just a matter of getting the highest possible score before you go."

All you can do is keep moving the balls around, and do your best to safeguard your plans from obstacles. It's a fact that you will get less breaks than problem balls, and in the end, you'll ultimately have to accept that the game will be over at some point, whether you like it or not.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Broken Sandals


Unrequited love is like having a broken sandal.

I went to the mall with my mom today. While we were going about our business, the strap of my left sandal broke off. My mom told me to keep going about things while she bought me a new pair. As I hobbled along the aisles of the mall, I considered walking around without my sandals, but the floor was too cold, and that would just be weird.

It was so strange to walk around as though I were impaired, when nothing was really wrong with me.
And even though I could function better without my broken sandals, I kept on walking (with difficulty) with them on.

When my mom and I met up and I was finally able to change into new footwear, I hesitated to throw the broken sandals away. I held onto them for a while, and even felt a little bad for disposing them when I was the one who was careless enough to break them in the first place.

But, they were useless to me and I functioned much better without them. It was just a matter of telling myself to let go.