Friday, May 11, 2007

Shallow Pride

This is stupid, but I needed to write it down, anyway.

I've never considered myself a good writer. A passable one, sure, but a good one? No, never. The thing I prided myself most about was my imagination and ability to conjure stories that I could fit into any fandom. I enjoy writing these plots out and receiving some kind of acknowledgment that whatever crap I come up with made someone else happy.

I can't believe not getting reviews is upsetting me so much.

I've never been a good student. Gods... none of my high school teachers would ever describe me as a good student. I was a passable student, after all, I got to college, didn't I? But I was not a good student. I don't like the structured learning of school where you are forced to learn at someone else's pace at someone else's time. What I prided myself to be was a good learner. I enjoy learning new things, I am inspired by new concepts, I enjoy sharing that knowledge.

I can't believe my GWA is upsetting me even more than usual.

I've never seen myself as a good person. No, I'm an okay person. I'm not outrightly evil, but I'm no saint, either. My friends may describe me as a good person, but, damn it, I'm as selfish and self-centered as they come. And, quite frankly, I don't deserve more than half the praise. The only aspect of me I have always been proud of is my compassion. I could feel someone's pain and empathize. I enjoy the feeling of having made a person smile or allowed a person cry on my shoulder.

This, that I am upset because I seem to have lost feeling and care, I can believe.

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