Horny-scope

I just read this recently, and anyone who knows me would know why I laughed my head off when I read it.

I tried to keep the ones where my closest friends fall under. I'll treat the first person who can guess why I laughed so hard my snot clogged up my nose and I almost died from lack of oxygen to a slice of "Better than Sex" cake.

--

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)

h Ruling Planet: URANUS - The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns

h Aquarians make much better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship; it's the mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on. They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most inventive of all the signs. Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot! Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping around holds little interest for them.

h FAVE POSITION
Mutual masturbation.

h BEST SEX TOY
A Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have some fun with this.

h AQUARIUS MALE IN BED
He has amazing staying power in the sack. He can keep at it and control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish! He's up for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at 5am... he's just not into threesomes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are involved. He'll do that for fun, but not with the love of his life.

h AQUARIUS FEMALE IN BED
She's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available. LOVE freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control and may come
across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.

h THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON AQUARIUS
Lie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for
giggles, but tease. After awhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and all around. Anywhere above the foot and below the knee is fair game. Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most definitely lead to some action!

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

^ Ruling Planet: MARS - The bonk now, think later God of war, aggression and action!

^ Sexually, Aries is an explosion waiting to happen! The excitement is often in the chase more than the
actual conquest though and while they may appear to want to dominate, they do not want a submissive
partner. Routine brings boredom to sex for Aries, so if you're only comfortable with the missionary position,
go for another sign, but if you like forceful personalities and enjoy pretending you're a human Twistie, then you've found paradise with an Aries.

^ FAVE POSITION
Always on top and always in charge

^ BEST SEX TOY
Handcuffs! Like I said, Aries likes to take charge!

^ ARIES MALE IN BED
The Aries male is loud, domineering and 100% stud! He's from the bump n grind school of lovemaking so if you're looking for romantic dinners by candlelight and long walks on the beach, keep looking! He's the original 5-minute man so if you're turned on by ultra-macho grunt-and-groaning types, you've just found your ticket to heaven! He's not prone to cheat unless you bore him in bed and he likes sex fast and furious baby!

^ ARIES FEMALE IN BED
She views sex as more of a physical act than something from a soppy romance novel. If you're a bored exec and want to find out what it's like to be treated like a piece of meat, then go for a one night stand with an Aries chick. She'll be gone before you wake up and may not remember your name the next time you meet. She's got a touch of KINK to her personality so don't get freaked out when she talks dirty or puts you over her knee for a spanking. She's all woman, but are you man enough to handle her?

^ THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON ARIES
If you want to seduce an Aries, running your fingers through their hair is an awesome starting point! And licking and nibbling around their face or neck will get them going too! Just be careful to keep your saliva at bay. Drool is not cool!

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21)

_ Ruling Planet: VENUS - The Goddess in charge of love, beauty and sex

_ Taureans are ahead of the game when it comes to love coz they are ruled by VENUS, the planet of Love! Taurus has all the qualities a lover desires, including sensuality, loyalty and faithfulness. When a typical Taurus makes love, it's the most physical and natural pleasure in the world. They believe the romantic approach to sex almost always pays off so they will happily cook dinner, buy flowers, and light candles for someone they want to bang. They don't like to rush things and take everything, including sex, slowly.

_ FAVE POSITION
The one Taurus enjoys most is the Missionary. Some may say this is so unadventurous, but Taurus is very practical and this is the most comfortable.

_ BEST SEX TOY
A battery powered "erotic massager"

_ TAURUS MALE IN BED
The Taurean man needs a woman who will want to stay home to eat and make love. He can be stubborn and is known to sulk like a little boy, but he LOVES making up!! (Rrrrow!) He likes to take things slow and gently and can last for hours, always waiting for HER to finish before rolling over to sleep.

_ THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON TAURUS
There's nothing Taurus enjoys more than having their neck kissed and their earlobes nibbled. Light, feathery caresses up and down the neck followed by gentle licks, no biting, will make a female writhe with delight and a male stand at attention within seconds.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21)

` Ruling Planet: MERCURY - The swiftest God in the skies, who also happens to be in charge of ultra-extreme raunchy talk

` Talking about sex is Gemini's favorite hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and lap up attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all they're looking for. They need a lot of variety when it comes to sex - dirty weekends away, a quickie in a shop doorway, serious groping under the table at a fancy restaurant. A lot of Gemini's are bisexual too and can often be drawn to those of the same sex.

` FAVE POSITION
As long as it's different every time, they're not fussy, but if they must choose, it's that naughty number right after 68, since they can come up for air if they need to.

` BEST SEX TOY
Any illustrated book about kinky sex, so Gemini can pick up some wild, new ideas

` GEMINI MALE IN BED
He likes to give AND receive and can be quite inventive. He's a lights on, in front of the mirror kind of guy and if you make a few subtle noises and talk a wee bit dirty, he'll be very happy.

` THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON GEMINI
Focus on the shoulders, arms and legs of a Gemini and you're headed for the good books. They love a good
massage and their hands are so sensitive that even having their fingernails played with sends shivers up their spine! Kiss up and down each of your Gemini's arms, sneak in a few licks, nips and nibbles. If you get one or two yelps, then you know you're doing something right. Then, move onto the fingers, slowly kiss, lick, nip and nibble each fingertip, then pull out the killer move - suck on each finger, slowly, as if it's a lollipop. I'll almost offer a money back guarantee on this one working!

LEO (July 24 - August 23)

b Ruling Planet: THE SUN - Which isn't a planet at all, but a star, and just like Leo's opinion of themselves, it's the centre of our solar system!

b Leo’s can be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. Leo wants love and friendship too. They can be very romantic, but when they get into bed, it's not an experience they're about to have, it's a show! They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is the ultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it, but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.

b FAVE POSITION
Receiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting serviced!

b BEST SEX TOY
A camera or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring... or perhaps you can use them both together!

b LEO FEMALE IN BED
You are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off most men. You adore raw sex, so your partner should go with you and enjoy it. You're a once in a lifetime experience!

b THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LEO
A Leo's 'moan zone' is his or her back. First of all, ask your Leo to roll onto his/her tummy. Start with a gentle scratch that runs from the top of the ass to the base of the skull. I'm not talking about tender tickles or a tantalizing tease - I mean a REAL back scratch, coz if there's one thing cats love, it's a scratch! After a minute or so, get out the massage oil and spill it into a snakey pattern on Leo's back. Then rub all over. Keep doing this until you know Leo is ready to roll over. If they start falling asleep, give them a gentle prod in a delicate place! Once Leo is ready to roll over, don't let them! Leo will be excited by your control. YOU decide when it's time to 'flip your feline' over and get into the good stuff!

LIBRA (September 24 - October 23)

d Ruling Planet: VENUS - The planet in charge of beauty, love peace, and stirring sensuality

d Libra is one of the sexiest signs in the Zodiac, but if Libra can't get what they want from one lover, they will opt for two! They are notorious for having double standards in that situation too. They'll look you in the eye and say "never cheat on me, coz I would never do it to you", even when they have a hot night of passion planned with someone else! Librans are more turned on 'giving' than 'receiving'. They have a big heart and are the least selfish sign of the Zodiac. Libras are not very open about their thoughts or fantasies. They'd rather say nothing than tell the truth and offend or embarrass you. In bed, it takes a while for them to be comfortable enough to tell you exactly what they want.

d FAVE POSITION
As long as they are lying down, they're happy!

d BEST SEX TOY
K.Y. Jelly. I will say no more!

d LIBRA MALE IN BED
The Libra man sees sex as an exciting adventure and he'd be very keen to do it in kinky places like a restaurant toilet! He likes being a bad boy if there's a chance he might get caught. He'll try out any fantasy you have, but whether or not you can keep a tight hold on his heart remains to be seen. However, he can be a bit of a pushover, and is perfect husband material, and he'd prefer his lover to take the lead. He is romantic and considerate but may suffer from premature ejaculation!

d LIBRA FEMALE IN BED
The only thing that separates Libra men and women is what's between their legs! Libra girl wants a strong man who understands that she needs her individuality and freedom. She is turned off by burping, farting, and bad breath. Good personal hygiene is crucial if you want to get to 2nd base. Librans are very good at lying to get their own way. When your Libra girl groans in bed, look into her eyes to make sure she's not 'faking it'.

d THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LIBRA
Libra's Love Zone is their lower back and butt, so please, squeeze and pat your Libra's butt whenever you get a chance. When you're kissing, reach under his or her top and stroke the lower part of their back, starting in the middle and working your way down to their butt. Take your time and be gentle! To really drive your Libra wild? Have you ever heard of the term 'Rimming'? Does it surprise you that a high percentage of Libras are gay?

SCORPIO (October 24 - November 22)

e Ruling Planet: PLUTO - The Roman God of the dead, beginnings and endings. Which basically means that Scorpios add novel differences to any relationship.

e Scorpios are very possessive. They will tense up if you even LOOK at another hottie across the room. But they can be relied on to always be there for you if you need them. You may never really know what your Scorpio is thinking though, because to them, knowledge is power and they are very good at putting on a straight face to cover up any emotion they are feeling. Scorpios love sex. The dirtier, the better. Get them excited by revealing your filthiest fantasy and offering to act it out.

e FAVE POSITION
Anything, as long as it involves dominating your ass.

e BEST SEX TOY
Ben Wa Balls for the girls, and a Riding Crop for the boys

e SCORPIO FEMALE IN BED
She may look like a quiet, shy girl, but in bed she is NOT! She is a wildly passionate woman, who is DYNAMO is the bedroom. Just don't piss her off either, coz she can more vengeful than a Scorpio man, and she has no problem causing a scene! Don't talk about other women, or play hard to get, because she will get you back and it's a game of one-upmanship you will never win.

e THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SCORPIO
Since this is one of the horniest signs, it makes sense that their moan zone is between their legs! Then again, their big head (or their mind) is just as easy to turn on. Talking dirty and teasing your Scorpio will get them ready and randy in a flash!! Without getting too graphic, the magic words for today are RUB, RUB, and RUB.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 22)

f Ruling Planet: JUPITER - God of money, luck and good times between the sheets

f Sagos are playful, laid back and oh-so fun to party with. They are wild, and may be the BADDEST party people you ever meet! One thing to be wary of is that Sagos like to talk BULLSHIT! Don't believe everything they tell you because they are kings at 'talking it up'. Sagos probably make better friends than lovers, but if you happen to score a one-nighter with them, be prepared to do stuff you've NEVER done before! Sagos are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably been caught doing it somewhere public. When they find the right lover, they will give it 100% as long as the commitment is returned.

f FAVE POSITION:
They are up for anything. Quality AND Quantity.

f BEST SEX TOY:
Handwrite a sexual fantasy of yours and leave it on their pillow. You'll be surprised at what happens next!

f SAGITTARIAN MALE IN BED
Even if he's fat, balding and middle aged, he can still pull the chicks. It's his love and pursuit of happiness that draws the babes to him. Think "Austin Powers" baby, yeah! He is a wee bit selfish though, so be prepared for an "all about me" attitude in the sack. He LOVES doing it, and if you start holding out on him, he's likely to get it somewhere else. He will either amaze his partner with his sexual expertise or be absolute trash in bed!

f SAGITTARIAN FEMALE IN BED
The Sago woman is a handful! She changes her mind more often than she shaves her armpits, is blunt, oversensitive and takes offense at the strangest things. She's adventurous in the bedroom and also has no problems cheating if her needs are not fulfilled. But can you handle her open-minded sexuality? She will hide her emotions from you, but don't make the mistake of hiding yours from her. She's looking for someone she can trust 100%, but is quite hypocritical since she can be very untrustworthy herself.

f THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SAGITTARIUS
Hips and thighs are extremely sensual for a Sago, so concentrate on massaging and stroking that area and the place in between! Don't be afraid to ask your Sago if you're doing it right coz they would LOVE to tell you! The best way to get them going is to grope their inner thigh in a public place!

Typology

I took the Keirsey Temperament Sorter test during a job application and guessed from the appearance of the check marks on my paper that I am an INTJ. I decided to take a similar test online and found that I was classified under INFJ instead.

Funny thing about these two personality types in the temperament sorter is that one letter changed could mean a completely different personality. INTJs are Masterminds (Rational) while INFJs are Counselors (Idealist). Both results say that I am Introverted, iNtuitive, and Judging. It's just a matter of whether I am more Thinking or Feeling. I'm a bit surprised that I was classified as someone introverted, though. Funny.

The online test I took is the Online version of the Jung-Myers-Briggs typology test.

Now, I looked at my zodiac sign. Here is how a Scorpio is described:

"During a lifetime, Scorpio will make many acquaintances, but very few friendships. Friendship is, for Scorpio, no easy matter; but once made, it becomes strong and permanent. Scorpio is always a friend one can count on, especially the Scorpio's trustworthiness and readiness to help."

The same site says that a female Scorpio with a male Sagittarius is like "chalk and cheese", which means they are little alike. Apparently, the best mates for a female Scorpio are a male Capricorn ("very strong") and a male Libra ("emotionally rewarding"). Go figure...


I also looked at my Japanese Blood-type personality. Because my blood type is AB+, the theory of Japanese blood types states that I am solitary and serious...

...Riiiiiiiight.

Opening Unopened Letters

I have a bag filled with letters that were given to me by friends and relatives throughout the years. For five years, there was one letter in that bag that I couldn't bear to read. It was only tonight that I finally mustered up the courage to open it again and read it.

Letters like that one are meant to be read right after they are given. You can't easily reply to a letter like that after five years.

Unfortunately, there are some things in life that come our way when we are not ready for them. More often than not, we manage to get by with mild scrapes; but sometimes, by the time we learn how to cope it's too late.

Tipping Point

Do you remember how in the cartoons that we watched when we were young a precariously balanced character can be made to fall by the most insubstantial of things--like a feather or another character's breath? Or how a single drop of standard NaOH could make a clear phenolphthalein laced analyte magenta (sorry for the Chem analogy)?

I suppose it's true that, often, the most mundane of things can cause a turn of events that completely changes a situation. A careless comment can make a person lose hope completely and a thoughtless action can make a person realize how dispensable and replaceable he really is.
The very things we take for granted, much like the weight of a feather, can make all the difference and cause something to tip over to a point of no return.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

All things are a result of their origins.

Dreams and Longing

They say that when you dream about someone, that person is longing for you. Something about that person's soul calling out to yours. So, perhaps, the people I've been longing to talk to have dreamt about me. Perhaps the person I want to reconcile with can hear the yearning of my heart. Perhaps... Perhaps... Perhaps...

I wonder if they made that saying up to ease the pain of the person who longs for another so much that he ends up dreaming of that other person.


Somehow, that seems more logical to me.

Defeated

No one can say I didn't fight to the last moment. It's currently 5:30 am in the morning of the day of the thesis draft deadline and I haven't slept a wink all night. Ironically, I barely wrote a word because I spent the night debugging. I didn't even give myself time to freak out when I realized my results were incomplete. Ok, so maybe I didn't do everything in my power to finish my draft or fix my program, else I wouldn't have rested a couple of hours with a comic book or gone book shopping. I suppose I knew since the original draft deadline arrived--and I had little more than squat written, exams and reports due, and the (long bleep)NIP APIS to deal with--that I couldn't possibly finish this on time. There were far too many things to do and I had neither the drive nor the energy to finish all of them...

...and everyone was so sure for me. That's what bothered me the most these past few weeks. Part of me acknowledges that other people's expectation that I would be graduating this semester was the only reason I pushed myself up to this point.

I will continue to write my thesis throughout the day, and I will continue to review my program to see what's going wrong. But, I don't think people would blame me if I chose to shed a few tears before getting back to work.

Kiss

What is the value of a kiss?

Someone asked me this question. And, in my youthful inadequacy, I have no real answer save that which comes from my heart--these things which were not thought of.

A kiss is more than the sum of its parts. It's more than lips touching skin; more than passion; more than heat, and tongue, and teeth. For if a kiss were only that, then if I sought to kiss, I could kiss whoever was willing and I would be satisfied. Yet, I continue to seek kisses from only a few people while I am unstirred by the most passionate of the lot that I care little for.

I have kissed so many--family, friends, and lovers--so many times. The value of a kiss does not whither with use. My lips still seek contact and my skin longs for that tender brush of affection.

No, even now, I cannot take a kiss for granted.

In my mind, each kiss is worth as much as the one I share it with. It feels as much as I feel about my partner. It is taken for granted only when one takes the other for granted. It is loved only when there is love shared. It is an enjoyable passionate heat only when there is desire for the flesh.

No, that is not as accurate as it should be.

Rather, the value of each kiss is worth as much as that moment during that kiss shared with that person. Be that beloved or taken for granted, lingering or fleeting, passionate or in passing.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

"It is nothing to die; it is frightful not to live."

Jean Valjean
Victor Hugo's Les Miserables

Despondence

Some of the most painful words I've ever heard in my life were,

"You're selfish. You don't think of anyone else."

Thing is, I always said that to myself. I never really heard it from anyone else, probably due to Filipino politesse that requires as little honesty as possible, and all that crap. Whenever I reminded myself of that, it hurt. But when the person who so often reassured me that I wasn't as awful as I thought threw those words at me--albeit, not in such blunt phrasing--it felt as if my heart was being torn out. And the human body, being such a wretched thing,hid the initial pain behind a mass of shock and a series of defense mechanisms. I didn't realize the damage so short a statement could cause until it was too late and I no longer knew how to bring things back to how they were. The full blow only struck me when I stopped to think about it.

And the most painful part is I knew that person was right; and I don't have the heart to either defend myself and take things back.

Five or More

Move balls around the grid and try and form lines of same colored balls. Once you form five in a row, the line disappears. Unfortunately more balls keep dropping in.

I had just finished fixing the software problems of one of our lab computers when I decided to relax and play Five or More. One of my seniors saw me playing and told me she didn't like the game, because she never won. I smiled at her and said, "This is one of those game where you will eventually lose; it's just a matter of getting the highest possible score before you go."

All you can do is keep moving the balls around, and do your best to safeguard your plans from obstacles. It's a fact that you will get less breaks than problem balls, and in the end, you'll ultimately have to accept that the game will be over at some point, whether you like it or not.

Broken Sandals

Unrequited love is like having a broken sandal.

I went to the mall with my mom today. While we were going about our business, the strap of my left sandal broke off. My mom told me to keep going about things while she bought me a new pair. As I hobbled along the aisles of the mall, I considered walking around without my sandals, but the floor was too cold, and that would just be weird.

It was so strange to walk around as though I were impaired, when nothing was really wrong with me. And even though I could function better without my broken sandals, I kept on walking (with difficulty) with them on.

When my mom and I met up and I was finally able to change into new footwear, I hesitated to throw the broken sandals away. I held onto them for a while, and even felt a little bad for disposing them when I was the one who was careless enough to break them in the first place.

But, they were useless to me and I functioned much better without them. It was just a matter of telling myself to let go.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Irony of life:

People rarely listen to the wisest things they say.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

If you keep looking at yourself, you're looking too closely and you're not seeing the bigger picture. Try looking at your reflection from other people's eyes...

...you might see a difference.

This is cute...

blue_boxerbriefs LOVES parisdlr

21032 3135 448 812 93

Love Level: 93%

Name 1:
Name 2:

Loves-O-Meter
From Go-Quiz.com

Warning Label

I'm sure you have something about you that others should be warned about. Find out what it is here!

Is your personality a fiery one? Are you perhaps a little explosive in the mornings? This magical test aims to give you the appropriate warning label to display to your friends. Whether you are annoyed by cigarette smoke, a little radioactive, or about to fall into a hole, this test will give you and your friends some idea about that part of our personality they need to look out for! This test has taken off like wildfire. Don't be the last to warn your friends!

Infinite Insanity may explode without warning

M EXPLOSIVE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Every person is at a different point on a different highway of life. Where are you?

As we cruise down the highway of life we come across many metaphorical destinations, some good some bad. Our individual personalities lead us all down a different path. Let this magical personality test tell you where you are headed! Just punch in your name and soon you will be rolling past the roadsign of your life. Don't forget to drive carefully! What are the towns on your highway? Be sure to drop in and visit them all, because life is a journey that we should all cherish. Peace!

Infinite Insanity Highway Childbirth Hospital 7 Mt. Happiness 22 Bog of Eternal Marriage 63 TravelWorld 109 Hobotown 373 Please Drive Carefully

Username:

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head

by BJ Thomas

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed,
Nothing seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So, I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done,
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long 'til happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'

Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long 'til happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrop keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

--

A happy song this time. I don't know why, but I'm happy. So there.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Letting go is not when you stop crying, it's when you're no longer afraid to cry because you're sure that if you do, you can stop and move on with your life.

Christmas

**insert long sigh**

It's already the day before Christmas, isn't it?

For some reason, I don't feel all that Christmas-y. It's not the first year this has happened. Last year, it was the same. I wasn't excited, I wasn't overly happy, but I wasn't sad either. I was just the same. Christmas had become just another day for me. The last celebration of the coming of the new year wasn't too different from last Christmas. I felt dull. I was even a little sad. I did a lot of things over the year that I wasn't too proud of, but I knew could never go back to change.

Perhaps it's because I am not anticipating anything anymore that I don't feel anything. Maybe it's because there is nothing that I want strongly. Sometimes, I feel that I have settled into my life. I'm not exactly satisfied, but I have come to accept my life as it is.

I've always seen Christmas and the coming of the new year both as celebrations of hope for things to come. Now, as I stop looking into the future and anticipating what is to come, they're just red letter days on my calendar.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Unrequited love is a lot less painful than reciprocated love that can never happen.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

When arguing with someone, make sure that you're talking to convince that person and not yourself.

My Seduction Style?

Holding On

If you love someone, set him free and wish only for his happiness.

It's a theme that's as used and abused as a theme could get. When I was younger, I thought I understood it well, now it feels so unreal and impossible. Because, it says that if I truly am in love, I should be able to do those things: set him free and wish for his happiness.

I wonder now, do I truly love that person? If I do, why can't I let go? I hold on to him so tightly that my fingers dig into his skin and my grip suffocates him. I've been doing so for the last five years. And, in the same way I hold onto him, I hold onto the dream that we can have our own "happily ever after" together. Lately, I feel them being crushed in my grasp, and still I can't let go. And my greatest fear is their little pieces would one day slip through my fingers like sand.

Old Infinite Insanity Description

I'm posting it here for posterity.
(stole the smiley from here)

From the ashes of a glorious but slowly fading past
Burns the hungry flame of a passionate today.
Rising up from the muck of what weighs it down
It reaches up to the infinity of the cosmos
A beacon to the children lost in the dark
Lending warmth to the bitter and cold of heart
It lights the way to the countless possibilities of a glorious tomorrow
Slowly fading into view

It's actually a poem dedicated to UPPA. I wrote it right after the tambayan was burnt to a delicious black crisp. But... since we're back there now, I suppose the memory of it doesn't sting as much.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

It's sometimes not a good idea to analyze things to the point that they stop making sense.

Matters of Perspective

As Hasmin and I walked back towards NIP from our logbook shopping spree, she related to me her version of a story long discussed by the Katipips. I recognized the events she spoke of with little effort, but the meaning of everything seemed skewed and out of order. I began to wonder how people really saw me. I wondered if what I saw whenever I looked at people was as distinctly different from how they saw themselves. As she ended her tale I came to a conclusion.

"The view from outside is so different," I said wistfully and not without regret.

As the wind blew, a rain of leaves fell from the trees. And just as I admired their happy dance as they made their way to the cold earth; I couldn't help but wonder whether the tree was crying in longing or its remaining leaves were shivering in fear at the same sight.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Restatement of Murphy's Law:

"We rarely notice how unfair the world is until it becomes unfair in someone else's favor."

Randomness: Some thoughts from last night

My cousin sent me this message last night:

Somebody once asked me, "How do you hold love?"

I answered, "With your hands wide open, your palms facing up, and with your heart ready to let go and let the other grow."

And that somebody asked again, "What if it hurts you?"

I smiled wistfully and replied, "Then, it means you're doing it right."

But, does it really follow? Can you really equate loving a person other than yourself to feeling pain?

---

When it comes to dealing with getting hurt repeatedly, there are two extremes: developing an immunity towards it and compounding hurts on each other to produce a pain greater than the sum of its predecessor parts. The problem with not feeling the pain anymore is that there is no way to gauge the damage being done. The problem with feeling all the pain and then some is it consumes you to the point that you don't know which way is up.

Funny...

The annoying thing about UP's Net Nanny

I'm working on my assignment for Bio 12. The research is about embryogenesis, you know, how a zygote develops into a fetus. One topic is about gastrulation, the process of forming a gastrula from a blastula. There is a process under gastrulation called "invagination". The thing is, I can't access the wikipedia site for Invagination because it is a "porn_expression" (read: vagina). I mean, come on, what self respecting porn site maker would use the word "vagina" on their website? More often than not, the words used are less, I don't know, scientific. I'm not even sure if half of the perverts in the world know the term!

Okay, that's an exaggeration. I imagine that most of the perverts in the world had elementary health class.

I suppose it's excusable. UP's just doing what should be done about preventing the use of their networks for "non-academic matters". Now, the irony of the whole thing is, I can access the wikipedia sites of porn stars like Maria Ozawa and Miko Lee.

Melting

"I went through all that trouble trying to see what kind of reaction I would get from you...I just wanted to see if I could make you melt. Even a little bit."

- Ayu Yamada from "Honey and Clover"

And just like that--in less than a minute of cartoon airtime--the emotions that I tried so hard to sort out all night long were summarized so neatly.

Unfinished Chapters

Whenever I write a story, my audience expects a certain "terminal result".

And, no, it's not the quintessential happy ending. They're more used to my angst-ridden conclusions than anything else. Like Donnabelle, I rarely write when I'm happy so I rarely write happy stories with fluffy endings.


But, that's not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that most people would prefer that the story they began reading be not open ended. Similarly, in life, most people would rather that the plot twists and conflicts in their lives not remain unresolved.

There are two unresolved chapters in my love life. I have a particular ending that I'm gunning for. The ending I want to happen is far from painless, but at least, most conclusive.

No Win Situation

This is the first time in my life that this has happened: that two of my principles conflicted with each other.

I never realized that was possible, that my sense of duty for one thing would go against my sense of duty for another. In this situation, I don't really want to explain myself. I don't see the point. As I thought things through yesterday afternoon, I knew that whichever way I went, no outcome would be pleasing. I knew that no matter what I did, I would still be wracked with guilt and some sense of responsibility afterwards.

Both parties trusted me. I just went with the group that had no real offense.

While everyone tells me that I had no fault in the matter, the truth is, I am well aware that I let things happen the way they did. I am not solely responsible, but I am not free from responsibility. They say that I'm overthinking things, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't have to think much to feel guilty.

There is a line in House that made me think: "You can't control your emotions, only your actions." I wanted to say that yesterday, but I didn't want to expect something like that from someone else when I myself couldn't accomplish it. This is my last real semester in UPPA, I wanted so bad to ensure its future. I shouldn't have gotten involved, and yet I did, and by the looks on everyone's faces as they went home last night, it's quite obvious how badly I messed up.

Flipside: It's not easy to be loved

I'm used to developing unrequited feelings.

I always thought that it was much easier to be on the receiving end , because how difficult could it be to be loved? If the other person did not love me back, they shouldn't be affected by how I felt, right?

I lost one of my dearest friends--and, consequently, the first person I ever had romantic feelings for--because of this mentality. We were really close back then so I was well aware that he didn't see me that way. I was the one feeling the pain of rejection (not quite outright, but it was still the case) and he was causing it. I didn't see how he could be in pain, himself.

It turns out, the laws of action and reaction work in these cases as well. Especially when the dynamic happens between good friends.

Back to the present, it was a rather perplexed revelation that forced me to see things in retrospect. While looking for ways to comfort him, I was made to draw from my own experiences as someone who was on the "unrequited" end. It then dawned on me that in his case, both ends were, in a way, unrequited. Her love was unrequited, that one was clear. On the other hand, his friendship was unrequited as well. Sure, she was willing to be friends with him, but not without consequence to him. Interestingly enough, there was also a mutual rejection. While he rejected her feelings for him, she was rejecting what he was.

I was guilty of that with him.

In the same way he couldn't accept the love I had to give him, I couldn't accept that he would still tell me about the girls (not me) he liked, be caring and sweet as he had always been. Everytime he was himself, he was hurting me by showing me what I was missing. Everytime he treated me as the friend that I was to him, he was making me hope for something that should have been long decided to be unreachable.

I didn't realize how much I was demanding from him until it was too late.

I guess it's not just the girls who find it difficult to turn down those who're courting them.

I'm not sure how well I understand both ends of the spectrum. I'm even more uncertain of how well I explained it to him. But, the bottom line is, while it is difficult to love someone who doesn't love you back; it's equally difficult to care for someone who loves you, but you don't love back.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)

Annie Lennox

Sweet dreams are made of these
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something.

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.

-

The song's stuck in my head. I think it has something to do with one of the lifestyle network's commercials. Or perhaps it has something to do with a blog entry I recently read.

Six Random Facts About Me

Was tagged by The OC

Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six of your friends and tag them! (No tag backs). This explanation must be included, of course.

That said, let's get it on!

Hoookaaaay...

1. I hate speaking in front of an audience. I'm usually so terrified that I end up making a complete fool of myself.


2. I have unnaturally low blood pressure. My "normal" blood pressure is about 90/70, or something like that. I think it runs in the family, because my mom has low blood pressure, as well.


3. The first (non-family) person to kiss me on the lips was a girl. It happened right before our IPS (Introduction to Physical Science) class in our first year of high school. Oh, gawds...no, I wasn't expecting it... I didn't like her in that way... I didn't like it... it was FREAKY!!! And, I don't know why she did it, either.


4. I am officially a yaoi fangirl. I don't fangirl yaoi couples beyond anime, though. While I'm very open to the idea of gay couples, guy on guy still kinda freaks me out. Oh, and, of course, it should go without saying that I'm an anime/manga-addict as well.


5. Contrary to popular belief, I do drive over 100 kph. I just don't do it too often. I don't drive that fast when I'm with other people, cause chances are, I would be talking to said other people and would, therefore, be distracted.


6. I like long passwords. Eheheh... couldn't think of anything else. Edit:It's difficult for me to fall in love, but at the same time, it's also difficult for me to get over the one I have learned to love. Took a cue from Bei's blog. I found this fact 6 a bit corny.
   

Okay, now for the tagging part. Ma-Anne, Ligaya, Kay, Rainstruck, baregoddess, and Steph, I choose you!

...MIddle of the Night...

I was awakened by one dang freaky dream.

I hate it when that happens.

I like dreaming just fine. Dreams are fun things to have given that they're not too scary. This one was scary.

Grrrrgh... now I can't go back to sleep. Oh well, might as well do my Chem lab report...

Randomness

Taking a short break after fixing up my lab workstation and before running up to the second floor for Physics 141...

Hey, today is the 8th of September... It's Mama Mary's birthday. The guy in church said that it's a holiday of obligation, I always thought the holiday of obligation was the 8th of December (Immaculate Concepcion). Well, it looks like I won't be able to hear mass, anyway.

Come to think of it, today should also be the deadline for the "Camera Ready Manuscripts" and "One-Page Extended Abstract" for our SPP paper. Where's the acceptance notice? (Wahahahah... I'm actually expecting one. How funny.)

----------

Still feeling sick. No, scratch that, I'm feeling S.I.C.K. Damn antibiotics are making me nauseous. How can something that's supposed to cure you make you feel so messed up?

----------

Heheh... Ivan oozes mmm-smex in that shirt he so affectionately calls his "callboy shirt". Why'd I have to have all these Catholic sensibilities that are making me oh-so-guilty for being human?

----------

Rene and I chatted for a short while this afternoon after I helped Micielle install Ubuntu to her workstation. He seems real happy with his job.

I wish I graduated on time...

----------

Thinking Ivan is sexy...

----------

Must go to class...

----------

Too lazy...

----------

Mmm....

Ivan... XD

....Must go.... Physics 141....

...going now....

20 Random Thoughts about Today

Warning: I've been feeling very insecure lately, so I'm pretty sure this will not be a happy post.

1. I really really really wish guys could feel the pain of dismenorrhea and the intense mood swings that come pre-, con-, and post-period.
2. Then again, I suppose, the pain of dealing with a hyper-sensitive and irritable wife/girlfriend/friend/daughter who has her period is painful enough.
   
3. Sometimes I wish I actually was just bumming around so I'd have an excuse for not getting anywhere.
4. I am slowly but surely developing a strong hatred for TV commercials about beauty products.
5. Ditto for clothes ads on billboards that just make you want to ram your car into its post and die cause you're not as perfect as the model on it.
   
6. Cold weather really does make you horny.
7. I want a do over for the rhumba and tango I danced with Ivan.
8. I wonder how I can con _ t _ _ _, _ _ n _ _, _ _ l _ _, _ _ a _ _ _, and _ _ _ e into auditioning for Philippine Idol...
9. I wonder if I should join them for fun?Eh, no, maybe not. Wouldn't want to end up on the growing list of people who wrongly think Terpsichore touched them and gifted them with her talent.
10. I miss writing. I hope this writer's block goes away soon.
11. Phenol is a very dangerous chemical. It should be kept away from sleep-deprived students who space out while performing Chem experiments.
12. On that note, all sleep-deprived students should be deemed hazardous and be barred from the Chem labs.
13. Then again, that would mean no one would be allowed to attend Chem anymore. Not that that's a completely bad thing.
14. I should always keep a stock of dark chocolate in the fridge for days like this. Cuddlebunnies.
    
15. "Cuddlebunnies" is not a real word (and doesn't really mean anything).
    
16. Neither is "snicker-doodle".
    
17. But fiddlesticks is.
18. The newly opened SM Hypermarket is so crowded and has everything. It's like Costco or Price Mart.
    
19. I miss a lot of people, but I have no intentions of attending any reunion of any sort anytime soon.
    
20. I should go out and get some self-esteem. Maybe SM Hypermarket has some.
    

Quote for the Day: "Go ahead, kick me. Can't you see I'm still standing?"

PdLR's Thought for the Day

It's strange how some people forget that other people can feel emotions other than love.

I suppose it's my fault again

But, that's not new.

I've become used to the feeling of guilt. Regret, too. You had expected me to be there by your side and I wasn't. I tried hard, but your shadow was just too cold and too dark for me. I had to get away. I imagine you didn't notice my leaving until you tried to lean on me only to find that I was gone.

I was supposed to be the pillar of strength of the two of us, wasn't I? The crazy and erratic one, but the stable one nonetheless. You were supposed to just be you: brilliant and peerless in every way. You shouldn't have needed to watch out for anyone because I was supposed to be the one steering them away from your path. You shouldn't have needed to watch your back for the repercussions of your actions, I should have had it.

I was probably not there for you when you needed me most. I truly am sorry for being the coward that I am. I'm just an idiot who's incapable of doing anything right.

But, I suppose, even that's my fault.

Para Sa Akin by Sitti

I wish I could say this to you...

Kung ika'y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako'y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At mayroon ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pagibig
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang lumipad ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Para sa akin

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way. You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to. Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets. No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them. You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky. You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter. It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait.

How Do Men See You?

What does my birth month mean?

Your Birth Month is November

Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years. You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian. Your soul reflects: Compassion, friendship, and secret love Your gemstone: Citrine Your flower: Chrysanthemum Your colors: Dark blue, red, and yellow

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

That Person

I thought I was done with that feeling.

Well, not really done with it. I figured someone, somewhere else at some other time in my life would make me feel that way again, but I had hoped not to the same degree. It's not really a good feeling--the feeling that washes over me whenever I encounter that person.

I suppose that person doesn't even know how simple presences affect me. That person was the one who opted to walk out of my life. That person was the one who chose to change things between us, though I was more than slightly relieved when that person did. I didn't ask to feel this way around that person, which is probably why I always feel guilty whenever I do. I'm sure that person wouldn't want me to feel this way either, but unfortunately, I do.

It's stupid, really. It's even a little bit self-destructive. But, strangely enough, if I'm to be honest with myself, I really miss that person.

I wonder if that person misses me as well.



Than again, probably not.

Dream: My Greatest Dream and Nightmare

There is an 90% chance that I may never get pregnant. I have Amenorrhea due to a much more complicated condition. I have come to terms with that long ago. I hold on to the remaining 20% and try to ignore the fact that if ever I do get pregnant, there is about a 50% chance that it would only end in a miscarriage. I suppose it might sound odd that one of the dreams that I have deem to be unattainable is one of the few things women can do that men can't. When I was much younger, I thought about what my children would be like.

I keep that dream until now. At least I think I do.

My dream last night made me wonder.

There was a very long line in the hospital. It really wasn't unusual, because our health insurance provider has a lot of clients. I didn't know why I was there, but with my many "problems" I was used to being in the hospital for some random reason. My mother has this tendency of taking me to the hospital at the slightest complaint, so often, I don't usually tell her when I'm not feeling well. But I felt fine. Why was I there?

When my turn was up, I was brought into the small examining room of the health insurance clinic. The doctor was an Ob-Gyn. She was a fairly tall and slender woman with short hair that just brushed the bottom of her ears. She reminded me of "Mom" from Martin Mystery, if the latter wasn't a cartoon. Anyway, I was told to lie on the examining table and she first began feeling my abdomen. She asked me if I was feeling any pain. I said no. She asked if I felt pain when she applied pressure. No. She then asked me if I had very painful periods. More often than not. She instructed me to take off my underwear and roll up my skirt and to position myself on the examining table. I imagine everyone knows the examining position and I don't have to describe it. She placed a blanket over my lower body and continued her examination. Nausea? No. Fatigued? A bit, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. Headaches? Menstrual cramps recently? Spotting? No, no, and no.

She finished her examination and had a strange look on her face. "Kristine," she said, calling me by my "professional" name. "You're pregnant."

Excuse me? I thought I was as sterile as a hospital clean room or a brain surgeon's scalpel or something. Then, I realized how frightened I was.

The thought of having my own children excites me, but at this point in my life, I'm not ready. Heaven knows where that dream came from. But it made me realize that as much as I want to become a mother, it would be a far worse thing for me to become a bad and incapable mother than not become a mother at all.

It is an old Jewish belief that barren women are women cursed by God. Sarah wife of Abraham and Elizabeth mother of John the Baptist were such women who were gifted with children against all odds. But I believe that a mother who cannot take care of her children is a curse to her children.

I'd rather me than them.

Messages : For Katipips

Hi guys!

Wala lang. This is the result of someone trying to learn how to use Adobe Photoshop and that said someone having lots of spare time. Sorry if you don't like the pictures I used, I don't have a lot of pictures in my digital album.

Are we still going to Galera? Can you lend me money? Or better yet... libre niyo na lang ako. Heheh...

Summer is driving me crazy with high temperatures and boredom! I hope to see you guys (all together, as in buo) soon. The last time we got together as a relatively large group was when we ate at Gayuma last... I don't remember when...

So, you guys take care!

Ivan, I love you! I'll post that picture you asked me to post later (after Wackie finishes with the computer).

Ralph, hope we can talk to each other (in person) next time.

Phoebe, sorry I wasn't able to join you guys at Star City. I hope you had a lot of fun.

Rey, alam mo na yun.

Lourdes, I miss you! Paramdam ka naman!

Leonard, see you in the next university graduation. Kaya natin ito!

Rene and Alen, congratulations for moving on... to the next level. Pag may trabaho na kayo at mayaman na, huwag niyo kaming kalimutan.

Kuya Chris, try using Mane and Tail (Bwahahahahahahahah!)

Ivan, I love you very very much. (Did I say that already? Yes? Sorry. But then again, this is my blog...)

Ingatz! God bless! Hope to see you guys soon.

Love you all! Mwah!

Messages : For dLR

Hey lovers!

The last time I saw any of you was when I met up with KC and Rhiyaisa at Vinzons Hall, like, a long time ago. I know, it's really my fault that I'm not in touch, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I chanced upon Ma-anne's Friendster photo album one time while I was reading her blog (I like the current design of your blog, by the way, it's a lot less cluttered and a lot more user friendly) and saw our high school pictures. It's funny, really. I was surprised at how different we looked back then. Then, when I thought about it, I came to realize that we're very different now--and not just physically.

I realized that I know very little about the lives you lead right now.

I know I'm notorious for not returning calls (I'm very forgetful) and not texting back (there's no excuse here, I'm just really lazy) , but I'm not the type who lets go of the most special people in my life.

I hope we find the time to meet up one of these days(yeah, I know, I was the one who got sick and copped out on our last outing, too).

So... Wala lang. And thanks for all the memories!

Take care and may you receive God's blessings with open hearts.

I love you guys! Mwah!

Dream: And Then I Died

I just knew.

Don't ask me how I knew in my dream, I just did. You know the expression "Your life flashes before your eyes"? In my dream, it supposedly did.
Significant people were there : close friends, him, him, him, my family, and a number of teachers. I didn't expect them to be there. And they weren't there to say goodbye, they were just there. They didn't know. Only I knew.
It was night in my dream and the night didn't seem to end. Not surprisingly, I don't quite remember how it started.

The "house" looked more like a dorm. I had my own room. I remember going back there and changing my clothes in there before going out. The hallway to the room was dark and narrow and the doors were small. There were a lot of familiar people living in the rooms. My room was two doors down Dr. Villagonzalo's and right beside Dr. Esguerra's. I remember one of my "housemates" coming in, asking if he could use my bathroom. I had agreed and changed quickly while he was in the loo.

One of the first scenes I remember was fighting with my brother over something trivial. The dishes, I think. The family was supposed to go to church. I think I asked my brother to come, but he declined. I felt a whole heap of regret when we left the "house".

Before we left, there was a party at the house. I was with a lot of friends. The Katipips, M13, and UPPA were there. I knew that there were a number of high school and elementary friends, but for some reason, they blended in with the buzz of the dream's background. There was videoke and drinking, I knew that much. I couldn't find Ivan in the party.

Here's a strange scene. Right when I was about to leave, I saw Erika, Loren, and Rene talking by the bar. I went over, looked Rene in the eye and said "Ako si chuva girl", then left.

I don't remember going to church, but I do remember that in my dream, the late pope John Paul II was just about to die. Strangely enough, everyone knew who would take his place. There was a large crowd in the university ampitheatre where people were praying. I remember the heavy traffic and the sight of what looks like a flood of candles. There were about as many people spreading peculiar rumors about the then dying pope as there were devotees praying.

I was supposed to be with my parents here, right? Instead, I was with Ralph (I'm not entirely sure if Patrick was in the back seat). We were talking about something. I think it was gossip. At that point, I knew that I had a very small amount of time left.

I drove over to a place that was supposed to be a hospital. I was alone. My room was tiny and had a narrow white gurney for a bed. There was a large one-way mirror beside the bed. Apparently, I wouldn't be needing an actual room as I would be dying soon.

When I got to my room, Ivan was there.

I was happy that he was there, I had been searching the entire dream for him. There was a laminated card by the door. It was some kind of manual to the person who would be with the dying. It gave instructions on how to treat the person before he/she died and what to do after. I don't know what kind of sadistic pleasure Ivan felt when he read that to me. I think he was as clueless about what was going to happen as I was.
The card said "Let the person lie down on the bed". Ivan told me to follow and I did. He tickled me first. After a while, his tickling became a gentle massage. He massaged my back to help me relax. I was nervous and sad about having to go so soon, but really glad to have him beside me during such a difficult time. He sat by my bedside and took my hand. His hands were, as usual, warm.
I wanted to tell him that I was afraid of what was going to happen after I die. I was afraid that there was going to be emptiness. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what I was going to miss. But I couldn't tell Ivan any of those things. I knew he was just going to tell me to keep my faith and trust in God. I knew he would be right if he said that. I didn't want to say anything because if I said what I was feeling out loud, my doubts would completely take over and I might die as an unfaithful.

We were quiet and I looked at myself on the silvered side of the one-way mirror.

I would make a beautiful corpse. I was still so young.

I woke up at the same moment I died in my dream. It was a peaceful death. It was something expected.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I woke up. The first sensation I had was my phone vibrating beside my right leg. I looked at it. It was a message Donna sent me at around 2:30 AM. Motorola phones tend to keep making some kind of noise or vibrate periodically when there's an unread message. I read Donna's message and replied.

There are some mornings where you're more grateful that you're still alive than usual.

Ramblings : About stars and surviving

Some of the first words of motivation that I received when I first entered university went something like:

“Physics has a high mortality rate. Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Not exactly the most encouraging words to say to a BS Physics/Applied Physics freshman, I imagine, but they do make their mark quite well. Now, I’m not sure how accurate those words would be if you applied them. Let’s make a simple computation:

There were three and a half Physics/Applied Physics blocks (M13, M14, M15, and G22). Let’s say there are twenty-five students per block.

25 x 3.5 = 87.5

87.5 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 = 0.028

Okay... that’s closer to zero than to one. I’m assuming that the statement was a gross exaggeration, seeing as NIP does have its share of graduates and students. Well, I actually knew that it was just an odd hyperbole used to tell us that we weren’t going down easy street; I’m just debunking the myth (the twenty percent rule applies more accurately to the number of people passing one of Dr. So-and-So’s exams).

Anyway, there were about 30 BS Physics and BS Applied Physics graduates last April 23rd. I had the great pleasure of watching their final march as undergraduates. I couldn’t help the giddiness inside, despite my outward reaction of playful bitterness. Seeing my friends and classmates, in their white dresses or barongs and elegant sablays, I realized what the twenty percent myth should have meant to me. Graduating from BS Physics or BS Applied Physics is not impossible, though it’s as difficult as passing through a needle’s eye or putting a needle through your eye (whichever you prefer). This is coming from someone who has the perfect credentials to make such a claim.

It’s alright to hear the speeches of the fortunate ones who were gifted with innate talent in their chosen field and the vision, sense of responsibility and industry to match. The class valedictorian, the most outstanding student, and the commencement speaker, there is little doubt about how much they deserve to speak in front of the graduating class as honored men and women. Their greatness should inspire others to move mountains as they had, right?

Excellence is excellence; I have no problem with displaying that.

But, even though the stars inspire many of us to look up at the night sky, the fact is there are very few who will be inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. Some will be satisfied with dreaming and watching the twinkling constellations from the ground. Others will reach up, but once they realize that the stars are beyond the length of their arms, they will give up and perhaps settle for a dream. Still, others will not even attempt at the dream, seeing the impossibility and foolishness of the matter.

There is really no point in addressing those who are already with the stars and those who have been inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. I will not try to talk the others to be like them, either. Free will gives us the right to choose our path while the laws of nature make it blatantly clear that it is not possible that everyone succeed the way these people do. Just as students can excel in a small unknown college with very little facilities and funding, students can also fail in a university as large and prestigious as UP.

This is the reality of life.

Because, fact is, the people who become stars are, more often than not, already closer to the sky than others. Whether the advantage is monetary, intellectual, physical, or emotional, it is often there. Find your personal advantage, a self-help book would probably say. The concept of comparative advantage tells us that we should develop what we are good at. That’s logical. I don’t contest that. It’s a relatively fair battlefield; we should all have some form of advantage. In my opinion, though, success should not be complicated by norms and society imposed standards. It should be as simple as overcoming a personal goal. This said personal goal should be reasonable and just within or on the limit of possibility.

“Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Yes, only the fittest will survive. So the best question to ask right now is, “What are you fit to be?”

Can’t reach the sky? Be like a firefly, twinkling like fairy dust near the earth. Can’t produce your own light? Reflect it like the water or the glassy grains of sand. You can even capture its creators like the trees that attract fireflies or hold the light itself like a well-cut diamond’s glimmering embrace.

Stars are not the only things that glitter and the surviving twenty percent are not the only people who can shine.

Ramblings : The Most Significant Numbers

I've been stressing these past few days about the weight that I gained this summer. I know, it's summer and its unavoidable, but I really want to look good for the PSHS alumni homecoming. In the words of my dear friend :

"Gusto kong paglawayan nila ang beauty ko."

Bwahahahah... whatever! As if!


Anyway, I attended the CS and University recognitions today (Crap! I have a killer backache from standing up all day!) and noticed how the college deans read the GWA of the summa cum laudes. The highest I heard was 1.04 (from MBB). The next thing I noticed was how, in the university graduation, after the announcement of the names of the honors, the other graduates were presented as :

"Ang mga kasamang nagsipagtapos."

In my opinion, they should have removed the word "kasama". It's like they're saying that the batch of graduates will only be distinguished by the honor graduates. It doesn't really make sense to me, since all 3963 graduates have an opportunity to rise up and make a distinguishing mark on their batch. Sure, the GWA and the words "summa cum laude" on the resume would make a difference when it comes to the number of opportunities given, but in reality, we're all given a chance to make our mark in history.

Look at these numbers : 2.2944 3963 69 717 3177 12 1.04


They don't really mean anything unless I tell you that...

2.2944 is my current GWA.

3963 is the number of UPD graduates this academic year 2005-2006.

69 is the number of PhD's granted , 717 is the number of MS and MA graduates, and 3177 is the number of BS and BA degrees and certifications given today at UPD.

Would it really matter if 12 is the number of students who graduated summa cum laude and the highest GWA for this year is 1.04?

Next year--unless I really take note of these things--I would be hardpressed to remember these numbers. They are, after all, just statistics. They're numbers that don't really count (such a weird thing to say... numbers not counting... ahh whatever!). I'm not saying that they're insignificant, by all means, they are. I just don't think they're that important.


Now, look at these numbers : 1 2 3 4 7 10

The numbers are pretty small. But, these are the numbers I will remember, probably for the rest of my life.

1 is the number of boyfriends I've had up to this point.

2 is the number of people I ended up getting mad at in my college life. It is also the number of people that courted me during college. This is also the number of organizations I joined in college.

3 counts the number of times I've fallen in love up to this point in my life. And 4 not only counts the number of times I've had my heart broken, but also counts the number of years I've spent with my dearest love. This will also be the number of years I will spend in UPPA and the UPPA Secretariat (Waaaaaah!!! Di na ako nakaalis!!!). 7 was the number of UPPA applicants when I joined.

There are 10 members in the Katipips.

the number of friends, best friends, close friends I gathered throughout my lifetime; the number of people who "came out" to me; the number of times I got into major car accidents are also statistics, but these are statistics that are important to me and forever will be.
My GWA is important to me right now, but once I finish studying, it will be just another number. I remember the CS recognition commencement speaker Paco Sandejas say something sensible : (allow me to paraphrase) the only time we can truly begin learning is when we're not worrying about our grades. The GWA will only be significant to me while I can do something about it, while my actions determine how it is "updated" or while it's being "updated" at all. After college, it will become just another number. I should be looking at the number of years of my life I've enjoyed instead.
The number of people that come and go in my life will be constantly updated. The number of people dear to me, the number of people I encounter, my actions will forever influence these numbers. Circumstance and my own life decisions will continuously "update" these numbers. These will be significant until the day I die. And, in any case, when I'm old and dying, can I console myself with "I had a 1.04 GWA when I graduated from college"?

Now, hopefully, I won't have to update the number of boyfriends that I've had.



So, back to my issues about my weight and my waist line. I figured that the first thing my friends from high school would probably ask is "Kamusta ka na?" So why stress? And even if they do point out that I've gained weight, so what?

I've more significant numbers to look at.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Sometimes you have to look to realize that you've lost something.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

If you keep reading between the lines, you might miss the meaning of the actual text.

Randomness : Goodbye

“Ingat kayo mamaya! Bye-bye! See you tomorrow.”

People probably don’t notice because my voice is usually soft, but like Bei, I say this almost automatically before I close the door of the tambayan or the lab on my way home. Automatic. Reflex. Easily done with little thought or burden. Saying goodbye every afternoon to people you’re with everyday makes saying goodbye to people you’re with everyday seem so easy.

But it isn’t.

Saying goodbye when the goodbye really matters is one of the most difficult things to do. When my favorite cousin visited from Canada two years ago, it was one of the hardest things to do in the world: to hug him and tell him to take care and keep in touch. I wanted our time together to last longer. But, in the end, he had to go.

Eventually, we had to say goodbye.

I suppose saying goodbye to him is a lot easier than saying goodbye to friends who are moving on. Geographical distance is a lot easier to conquer than the distance between worlds that do not meet and understand each other. When we graduated from high school, I didn’t know how great the distances between UST, UPLB, Ateneo, the Math Building, and NIP were until I woke up one day with the realization that I could no longer reach my closest friends. We are all from within and around Metro Manila. We didn’t need area codes to call one another. It would be easy to keep in touch. It’s no big deal that we’re from different universities. I had this mentality before we parted ways. Now, I see how far apart we really are. Sure, I could call them, text them, and email them through our Yahoo! group, but whenever I am given a glimpse of the world they’re in, I feel like an alien.

I’m happy for them. I’m sad for them. I sympathize with them. I try to understand and appreciate the world they live in. I try to give them the time of day. I read their blogs and their emails. I generally know what’s going on in their lives.

But we’re no longer part of each other’s everyday worlds. Whenever we’re together, we go back to the high school world we lived in together—a more insightful and pragmatic version of a world that will always dwell in our memories. But this world will only be in our memories. It cannot be melded with the world that we live in right now. Strange twists of Fate or our own efforts could unite my present world with my world in high school, but not without great difficulty. I was not the person I was in high school and I cannot go back the same way I cannot turn back the hands of time.

We’re all in a new crossroad right now, a crossroad that will take many of the people I have gotten used to seeing everyday to worlds that I may never be able to reach. With my cousin, I knew that he would not always be there. That he would have to go away soon. I was fully equipped when he left. I had already come to terms that he was only visiting. And, besides, close as we were, we never really shared a common world in which we were used to living in. With my friends, I didn’t realize how soon “soon” really was. For some time, I had an illusion that they would always be there. It’s selfish, I know, but when you see a person every single day for five years, that person’s presence becomes ingrained in you. The day isn’t complete without that person.

“Goodbye” would always seem so far away.

But, I would imagine that we can’t stay in these crossroads forever. They’ll take that turn that takes them to an entirely new world while I continue to walk down the path we once took together, take care of the world we once shared.

At some point, I would come to another crossroad, but that time, I will be the one taking the turn. I will be the one leaving the path I have gotten to know and used to. I will be the one leaving.


I think I know what I want to hear when that time comes, so I guess that's what I'm going to say to those who are moving on with their lives ahead of me.

"Ingat. God speed. I'll see you sometime, ok? Bye-bye."