Dream: My Greatest Dream and Nightmare

There is an 90% chance that I may never get pregnant. I have Amenorrhea due to a much more complicated condition. I have come to terms with that long ago. I hold on to the remaining 20% and try to ignore the fact that if ever I do get pregnant, there is about a 50% chance that it would only end in a miscarriage. I suppose it might sound odd that one of the dreams that I have deem to be unattainable is one of the few things women can do that men can't. When I was much younger, I thought about what my children would be like.

I keep that dream until now. At least I think I do.

My dream last night made me wonder.

There was a very long line in the hospital. It really wasn't unusual, because our health insurance provider has a lot of clients. I didn't know why I was there, but with my many "problems" I was used to being in the hospital for some random reason. My mother has this tendency of taking me to the hospital at the slightest complaint, so often, I don't usually tell her when I'm not feeling well. But I felt fine. Why was I there?

When my turn was up, I was brought into the small examining room of the health insurance clinic. The doctor was an Ob-Gyn. She was a fairly tall and slender woman with short hair that just brushed the bottom of her ears. She reminded me of "Mom" from Martin Mystery, if the latter wasn't a cartoon. Anyway, I was told to lie on the examining table and she first began feeling my abdomen. She asked me if I was feeling any pain. I said no. She asked if I felt pain when she applied pressure. No. She then asked me if I had very painful periods. More often than not. She instructed me to take off my underwear and roll up my skirt and to position myself on the examining table. I imagine everyone knows the examining position and I don't have to describe it. She placed a blanket over my lower body and continued her examination. Nausea? No. Fatigued? A bit, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. Headaches? Menstrual cramps recently? Spotting? No, no, and no.

She finished her examination and had a strange look on her face. "Kristine," she said, calling me by my "professional" name. "You're pregnant."

Excuse me? I thought I was as sterile as a hospital clean room or a brain surgeon's scalpel or something. Then, I realized how frightened I was.

The thought of having my own children excites me, but at this point in my life, I'm not ready. Heaven knows where that dream came from. But it made me realize that as much as I want to become a mother, it would be a far worse thing for me to become a bad and incapable mother than not become a mother at all.

It is an old Jewish belief that barren women are women cursed by God. Sarah wife of Abraham and Elizabeth mother of John the Baptist were such women who were gifted with children against all odds. But I believe that a mother who cannot take care of her children is a curse to her children.

I'd rather me than them.

Messages : For Katipips

Hi guys!

Wala lang. This is the result of someone trying to learn how to use Adobe Photoshop and that said someone having lots of spare time. Sorry if you don't like the pictures I used, I don't have a lot of pictures in my digital album.

Are we still going to Galera? Can you lend me money? Or better yet... libre niyo na lang ako. Heheh...

Summer is driving me crazy with high temperatures and boredom! I hope to see you guys (all together, as in buo) soon. The last time we got together as a relatively large group was when we ate at Gayuma last... I don't remember when...

So, you guys take care!

Ivan, I love you! I'll post that picture you asked me to post later (after Wackie finishes with the computer).

Ralph, hope we can talk to each other (in person) next time.

Phoebe, sorry I wasn't able to join you guys at Star City. I hope you had a lot of fun.

Rey, alam mo na yun.

Lourdes, I miss you! Paramdam ka naman!

Leonard, see you in the next university graduation. Kaya natin ito!

Rene and Alen, congratulations for moving on... to the next level. Pag may trabaho na kayo at mayaman na, huwag niyo kaming kalimutan.

Kuya Chris, try using Mane and Tail (Bwahahahahahahahah!)

Ivan, I love you very very much. (Did I say that already? Yes? Sorry. But then again, this is my blog...)

Ingatz! God bless! Hope to see you guys soon.

Love you all! Mwah!

Messages : For dLR

Hey lovers!

The last time I saw any of you was when I met up with KC and Rhiyaisa at Vinzons Hall, like, a long time ago. I know, it's really my fault that I'm not in touch, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I chanced upon Ma-anne's Friendster photo album one time while I was reading her blog (I like the current design of your blog, by the way, it's a lot less cluttered and a lot more user friendly) and saw our high school pictures. It's funny, really. I was surprised at how different we looked back then. Then, when I thought about it, I came to realize that we're very different now--and not just physically.

I realized that I know very little about the lives you lead right now.

I know I'm notorious for not returning calls (I'm very forgetful) and not texting back (there's no excuse here, I'm just really lazy) , but I'm not the type who lets go of the most special people in my life.

I hope we find the time to meet up one of these days(yeah, I know, I was the one who got sick and copped out on our last outing, too).

So... Wala lang. And thanks for all the memories!

Take care and may you receive God's blessings with open hearts.

I love you guys! Mwah!

Dream: And Then I Died

I just knew.

Don't ask me how I knew in my dream, I just did. You know the expression "Your life flashes before your eyes"? In my dream, it supposedly did.
Significant people were there : close friends, him, him, him, my family, and a number of teachers. I didn't expect them to be there. And they weren't there to say goodbye, they were just there. They didn't know. Only I knew.
It was night in my dream and the night didn't seem to end. Not surprisingly, I don't quite remember how it started.

The "house" looked more like a dorm. I had my own room. I remember going back there and changing my clothes in there before going out. The hallway to the room was dark and narrow and the doors were small. There were a lot of familiar people living in the rooms. My room was two doors down Dr. Villagonzalo's and right beside Dr. Esguerra's. I remember one of my "housemates" coming in, asking if he could use my bathroom. I had agreed and changed quickly while he was in the loo.

One of the first scenes I remember was fighting with my brother over something trivial. The dishes, I think. The family was supposed to go to church. I think I asked my brother to come, but he declined. I felt a whole heap of regret when we left the "house".

Before we left, there was a party at the house. I was with a lot of friends. The Katipips, M13, and UPPA were there. I knew that there were a number of high school and elementary friends, but for some reason, they blended in with the buzz of the dream's background. There was videoke and drinking, I knew that much. I couldn't find Ivan in the party.

Here's a strange scene. Right when I was about to leave, I saw Erika, Loren, and Rene talking by the bar. I went over, looked Rene in the eye and said "Ako si chuva girl", then left.

I don't remember going to church, but I do remember that in my dream, the late pope John Paul II was just about to die. Strangely enough, everyone knew who would take his place. There was a large crowd in the university ampitheatre where people were praying. I remember the heavy traffic and the sight of what looks like a flood of candles. There were about as many people spreading peculiar rumors about the then dying pope as there were devotees praying.

I was supposed to be with my parents here, right? Instead, I was with Ralph (I'm not entirely sure if Patrick was in the back seat). We were talking about something. I think it was gossip. At that point, I knew that I had a very small amount of time left.

I drove over to a place that was supposed to be a hospital. I was alone. My room was tiny and had a narrow white gurney for a bed. There was a large one-way mirror beside the bed. Apparently, I wouldn't be needing an actual room as I would be dying soon.

When I got to my room, Ivan was there.

I was happy that he was there, I had been searching the entire dream for him. There was a laminated card by the door. It was some kind of manual to the person who would be with the dying. It gave instructions on how to treat the person before he/she died and what to do after. I don't know what kind of sadistic pleasure Ivan felt when he read that to me. I think he was as clueless about what was going to happen as I was.
The card said "Let the person lie down on the bed". Ivan told me to follow and I did. He tickled me first. After a while, his tickling became a gentle massage. He massaged my back to help me relax. I was nervous and sad about having to go so soon, but really glad to have him beside me during such a difficult time. He sat by my bedside and took my hand. His hands were, as usual, warm.
I wanted to tell him that I was afraid of what was going to happen after I die. I was afraid that there was going to be emptiness. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what I was going to miss. But I couldn't tell Ivan any of those things. I knew he was just going to tell me to keep my faith and trust in God. I knew he would be right if he said that. I didn't want to say anything because if I said what I was feeling out loud, my doubts would completely take over and I might die as an unfaithful.

We were quiet and I looked at myself on the silvered side of the one-way mirror.

I would make a beautiful corpse. I was still so young.

I woke up at the same moment I died in my dream. It was a peaceful death. It was something expected.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I woke up. The first sensation I had was my phone vibrating beside my right leg. I looked at it. It was a message Donna sent me at around 2:30 AM. Motorola phones tend to keep making some kind of noise or vibrate periodically when there's an unread message. I read Donna's message and replied.

There are some mornings where you're more grateful that you're still alive than usual.

Ramblings : About stars and surviving

Some of the first words of motivation that I received when I first entered university went something like:

“Physics has a high mortality rate. Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Not exactly the most encouraging words to say to a BS Physics/Applied Physics freshman, I imagine, but they do make their mark quite well. Now, I’m not sure how accurate those words would be if you applied them. Let’s make a simple computation:

There were three and a half Physics/Applied Physics blocks (M13, M14, M15, and G22). Let’s say there are twenty-five students per block.

25 x 3.5 = 87.5

87.5 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 = 0.028

Okay... that’s closer to zero than to one. I’m assuming that the statement was a gross exaggeration, seeing as NIP does have its share of graduates and students. Well, I actually knew that it was just an odd hyperbole used to tell us that we weren’t going down easy street; I’m just debunking the myth (the twenty percent rule applies more accurately to the number of people passing one of Dr. So-and-So’s exams).

Anyway, there were about 30 BS Physics and BS Applied Physics graduates last April 23rd. I had the great pleasure of watching their final march as undergraduates. I couldn’t help the giddiness inside, despite my outward reaction of playful bitterness. Seeing my friends and classmates, in their white dresses or barongs and elegant sablays, I realized what the twenty percent myth should have meant to me. Graduating from BS Physics or BS Applied Physics is not impossible, though it’s as difficult as passing through a needle’s eye or putting a needle through your eye (whichever you prefer). This is coming from someone who has the perfect credentials to make such a claim.

It’s alright to hear the speeches of the fortunate ones who were gifted with innate talent in their chosen field and the vision, sense of responsibility and industry to match. The class valedictorian, the most outstanding student, and the commencement speaker, there is little doubt about how much they deserve to speak in front of the graduating class as honored men and women. Their greatness should inspire others to move mountains as they had, right?

Excellence is excellence; I have no problem with displaying that.

But, even though the stars inspire many of us to look up at the night sky, the fact is there are very few who will be inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. Some will be satisfied with dreaming and watching the twinkling constellations from the ground. Others will reach up, but once they realize that the stars are beyond the length of their arms, they will give up and perhaps settle for a dream. Still, others will not even attempt at the dream, seeing the impossibility and foolishness of the matter.

There is really no point in addressing those who are already with the stars and those who have been inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. I will not try to talk the others to be like them, either. Free will gives us the right to choose our path while the laws of nature make it blatantly clear that it is not possible that everyone succeed the way these people do. Just as students can excel in a small unknown college with very little facilities and funding, students can also fail in a university as large and prestigious as UP.

This is the reality of life.

Because, fact is, the people who become stars are, more often than not, already closer to the sky than others. Whether the advantage is monetary, intellectual, physical, or emotional, it is often there. Find your personal advantage, a self-help book would probably say. The concept of comparative advantage tells us that we should develop what we are good at. That’s logical. I don’t contest that. It’s a relatively fair battlefield; we should all have some form of advantage. In my opinion, though, success should not be complicated by norms and society imposed standards. It should be as simple as overcoming a personal goal. This said personal goal should be reasonable and just within or on the limit of possibility.

“Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Yes, only the fittest will survive. So the best question to ask right now is, “What are you fit to be?”

Can’t reach the sky? Be like a firefly, twinkling like fairy dust near the earth. Can’t produce your own light? Reflect it like the water or the glassy grains of sand. You can even capture its creators like the trees that attract fireflies or hold the light itself like a well-cut diamond’s glimmering embrace.

Stars are not the only things that glitter and the surviving twenty percent are not the only people who can shine.

Ramblings : The Most Significant Numbers

I've been stressing these past few days about the weight that I gained this summer. I know, it's summer and its unavoidable, but I really want to look good for the PSHS alumni homecoming. In the words of my dear friend :

"Gusto kong paglawayan nila ang beauty ko."

Bwahahahah... whatever! As if!


Anyway, I attended the CS and University recognitions today (Crap! I have a killer backache from standing up all day!) and noticed how the college deans read the GWA of the summa cum laudes. The highest I heard was 1.04 (from MBB). The next thing I noticed was how, in the university graduation, after the announcement of the names of the honors, the other graduates were presented as :

"Ang mga kasamang nagsipagtapos."

In my opinion, they should have removed the word "kasama". It's like they're saying that the batch of graduates will only be distinguished by the honor graduates. It doesn't really make sense to me, since all 3963 graduates have an opportunity to rise up and make a distinguishing mark on their batch. Sure, the GWA and the words "summa cum laude" on the resume would make a difference when it comes to the number of opportunities given, but in reality, we're all given a chance to make our mark in history.

Look at these numbers : 2.2944 3963 69 717 3177 12 1.04


They don't really mean anything unless I tell you that...

2.2944 is my current GWA.

3963 is the number of UPD graduates this academic year 2005-2006.

69 is the number of PhD's granted , 717 is the number of MS and MA graduates, and 3177 is the number of BS and BA degrees and certifications given today at UPD.

Would it really matter if 12 is the number of students who graduated summa cum laude and the highest GWA for this year is 1.04?

Next year--unless I really take note of these things--I would be hardpressed to remember these numbers. They are, after all, just statistics. They're numbers that don't really count (such a weird thing to say... numbers not counting... ahh whatever!). I'm not saying that they're insignificant, by all means, they are. I just don't think they're that important.


Now, look at these numbers : 1 2 3 4 7 10

The numbers are pretty small. But, these are the numbers I will remember, probably for the rest of my life.

1 is the number of boyfriends I've had up to this point.

2 is the number of people I ended up getting mad at in my college life. It is also the number of people that courted me during college. This is also the number of organizations I joined in college.

3 counts the number of times I've fallen in love up to this point in my life. And 4 not only counts the number of times I've had my heart broken, but also counts the number of years I've spent with my dearest love. This will also be the number of years I will spend in UPPA and the UPPA Secretariat (Waaaaaah!!! Di na ako nakaalis!!!). 7 was the number of UPPA applicants when I joined.

There are 10 members in the Katipips.

the number of friends, best friends, close friends I gathered throughout my lifetime; the number of people who "came out" to me; the number of times I got into major car accidents are also statistics, but these are statistics that are important to me and forever will be.
My GWA is important to me right now, but once I finish studying, it will be just another number. I remember the CS recognition commencement speaker Paco Sandejas say something sensible : (allow me to paraphrase) the only time we can truly begin learning is when we're not worrying about our grades. The GWA will only be significant to me while I can do something about it, while my actions determine how it is "updated" or while it's being "updated" at all. After college, it will become just another number. I should be looking at the number of years of my life I've enjoyed instead.
The number of people that come and go in my life will be constantly updated. The number of people dear to me, the number of people I encounter, my actions will forever influence these numbers. Circumstance and my own life decisions will continuously "update" these numbers. These will be significant until the day I die. And, in any case, when I'm old and dying, can I console myself with "I had a 1.04 GWA when I graduated from college"?

Now, hopefully, I won't have to update the number of boyfriends that I've had.



So, back to my issues about my weight and my waist line. I figured that the first thing my friends from high school would probably ask is "Kamusta ka na?" So why stress? And even if they do point out that I've gained weight, so what?

I've more significant numbers to look at.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Sometimes you have to look to realize that you've lost something.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

If you keep reading between the lines, you might miss the meaning of the actual text.

Randomness : Goodbye

“Ingat kayo mamaya! Bye-bye! See you tomorrow.”

People probably don’t notice because my voice is usually soft, but like Bei, I say this almost automatically before I close the door of the tambayan or the lab on my way home. Automatic. Reflex. Easily done with little thought or burden. Saying goodbye every afternoon to people you’re with everyday makes saying goodbye to people you’re with everyday seem so easy.

But it isn’t.

Saying goodbye when the goodbye really matters is one of the most difficult things to do. When my favorite cousin visited from Canada two years ago, it was one of the hardest things to do in the world: to hug him and tell him to take care and keep in touch. I wanted our time together to last longer. But, in the end, he had to go.

Eventually, we had to say goodbye.

I suppose saying goodbye to him is a lot easier than saying goodbye to friends who are moving on. Geographical distance is a lot easier to conquer than the distance between worlds that do not meet and understand each other. When we graduated from high school, I didn’t know how great the distances between UST, UPLB, Ateneo, the Math Building, and NIP were until I woke up one day with the realization that I could no longer reach my closest friends. We are all from within and around Metro Manila. We didn’t need area codes to call one another. It would be easy to keep in touch. It’s no big deal that we’re from different universities. I had this mentality before we parted ways. Now, I see how far apart we really are. Sure, I could call them, text them, and email them through our Yahoo! group, but whenever I am given a glimpse of the world they’re in, I feel like an alien.

I’m happy for them. I’m sad for them. I sympathize with them. I try to understand and appreciate the world they live in. I try to give them the time of day. I read their blogs and their emails. I generally know what’s going on in their lives.

But we’re no longer part of each other’s everyday worlds. Whenever we’re together, we go back to the high school world we lived in together—a more insightful and pragmatic version of a world that will always dwell in our memories. But this world will only be in our memories. It cannot be melded with the world that we live in right now. Strange twists of Fate or our own efforts could unite my present world with my world in high school, but not without great difficulty. I was not the person I was in high school and I cannot go back the same way I cannot turn back the hands of time.

We’re all in a new crossroad right now, a crossroad that will take many of the people I have gotten used to seeing everyday to worlds that I may never be able to reach. With my cousin, I knew that he would not always be there. That he would have to go away soon. I was fully equipped when he left. I had already come to terms that he was only visiting. And, besides, close as we were, we never really shared a common world in which we were used to living in. With my friends, I didn’t realize how soon “soon” really was. For some time, I had an illusion that they would always be there. It’s selfish, I know, but when you see a person every single day for five years, that person’s presence becomes ingrained in you. The day isn’t complete without that person.

“Goodbye” would always seem so far away.

But, I would imagine that we can’t stay in these crossroads forever. They’ll take that turn that takes them to an entirely new world while I continue to walk down the path we once took together, take care of the world we once shared.

At some point, I would come to another crossroad, but that time, I will be the one taking the turn. I will be the one leaving the path I have gotten to know and used to. I will be the one leaving.


I think I know what I want to hear when that time comes, so I guess that's what I'm going to say to those who are moving on with their lives ahead of me.

"Ingat. God speed. I'll see you sometime, ok? Bye-bye."

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Life, like love, can be compared to anything and everything.

Randomness : Cut and Paste

"Cancel, Cancel" and Reminiscence

On days when I need to do research work and I don't have much time, I, too resort to the quick solution of "cut and paste". You take your resource and cut what you need from it, then paste it on your report or whatever project you need the material for. If need be, you'd paraphrase a bit--erase this sentence, change this word, reconstruct this clause--and make the text your own. It's a quick solution. It doesn't take much effort, and you're almost sure it'll work.

Cut and paste.

How many songs, short stories, novels, movies, TV shows... how many of these things seem to have the perfect solution to our everyday problems?

Cut and paste.

Don't you sometimes wish that you could do that to your life? Cut from the books and the songs and paste the messages and stories they have into the story of your life? Yes, it's easy to write a short story, isn't it? Just cut and paste stories from your own life. But doing the converse, cutting and pasting resolved stories into your own life, isn't something that can be done. Sure, you can learn from them, but the story of your life isn't something you can direct. You can't erase sentences, change words or reconstruct clauses. Because while you're the author of your dialogues and the master of your decisions, you can't direct the motions of everyone else. You can't control circumstance. Like Ralph said, "[Why read a short story] when you can watch it unravel in front of you?" Yes, and like the short stories you're reading for the first time, you don't know how it ends. You just have to wait for the story to pick up momentum, watch the plot thicken and pull you in, climax to a powerful confrontation, and slowly die out to an ending which holds some hidden Aesop fable moral that you can't find.

Cut and paste is just a technique bordering on cheating that makes research work easier.


When we were in high school, my friends and I had an expression in place of the then popular "Erase, erase": "Cancel, cancel". This was something we said whenever someone said something we didn't like. These were the words that were supposed to do exactly what they meant: cancel. Cancel out. Just like its definition during the math discussions that gave birth to it, "Cancel, cancel" simply meant to "remove from the equation". But, like math equations, you can only cancel out the extra terms. You can't cancel the terms that are part of the solution. No matter how hard you try to rearrange a complex equation, if all terms are important, the problem remains complex and thus the solution, elusive. Sometimes, if you force it, you come up with the wrong solution. All the hard work you did becomes meaningless.

Life isn't like Physics or Math. The solution isn't always short and simple when it's correct. The system can't be simplified into a frictionless surface or some perfect figure. And you can't always "cancel, cancel".



I've always preached. From the kindergarten days I spent gently patting the backs of crying classmates to these days I spend searching for the words to calm confused hearts of friends, I have always said the things I thought should be done. I'm selfish in that manner. It's always about what I think. My most common advice is "Think about it. Do what you will, but think about your actions first."

Ha.

I've always preached, but I rarely practice. I can be impulsive. I don't give enough thought to things. "Easier said than done" rings true. I recently promised myself that I would think before I did anything. To do this, I started reviewing the past. I am starting to learn from the mistakes I committed. I am searching for the right solutions.

Solutions. If there's one thing I learned from Chem 153, it's that you have to learn the definitions before beginning to solve. You have to understand properties, know the equations of state, and memorize the differentials before solving the problem.

Fortunately, my current problems are a lot like the problems I had when I was in high school. Today, things are just a tad bit more complicated. I already know the properties, I know the equations of state, and I have long taken to heart the differentials. So, why can't I solve the problem? Maybe it's because I didn't pay enough attention to how the problem was solved before. Maybe it's because I never even tried to solve the problem before. Maybe I cancelled out necessary variables.

It looks like I have to study a lot more.

Too bad I can't go back to the time I first encountered this problem, look at the solution, then, Cut and Paste.

Dream: This is just plain weird

It seems as though a lot of people in the world believe that dreams mean more than what they are. Oftentimes, it's best to think of dreams as what they are: Dreams. But, sometimes, our dreams show us things we don't want to acknowledge in real life. Sometimes, patterns we don't consider important and consequently ignore in our waking moments become crucial in interpreting what our subconscious has long found to be interesting or important.

Anyway, I'll stop justifying why I keep on recording my dreams and get on with it.

The farthest back I can remember is a class of freshmen visiting one of the senior classes. I don't think I was a member of that class, but I believe Ivan and Atchong were (don't ask me why they're classmates here when they're two year levels apart). The place looked more like the new NIP building, but it seemed bigger in my dream.

I didn't stay in the class, Bei came up to me and called me. You wanted to talk to me for some unknown reason. Bei and I talk for a few minutes, discussing the multitude of probable topics, then she leads me to you. I remember Bei and myself being capable of flight, because we (literally) flew down the stairs. You come up to me and tell me it's important, but also private. You said there were a lot of prying eyes around us and we needed to find a safe place to talk. You take my hand and lead me through the halls. Again, it feels like we're flying. We reach a place which you call "meshy corner", but it doesn't look like the mushy corner in the old building. But there are bags all over the place where people are supposed to sit, and a girl tells us that the spot is reserved for some other people. We look for other places to sit and talk, to no avail.

Before I continue, here's some background information on the me in my dream. It seems as if I wrote something that was published in The Philippine Star that got me in a lot of trouble.

Anyway, when we finally find a place to talk, you give me a tight embrace. It's obvious that something is very wrong, but before you can tell me, you have to go. You don't ask for my help and I don't offer it, but following some unwritten agreement, I go after you to help you (you're running this time). Then, it suddenly feels like we're being chased. Rather, I realize that we're being chased by someone. That someone is big and powerful (magically speaking) and, according to my dream self's description, an insufferable tyrant. It seems as though the big guy has issues with you.

We run all around NIP, trying to get away. There is even a point where I am able to hide myself by changing forms. You're able to do this, too. We rest for a moment and I see, hiding nearby, a man who should be an ally of the big guy who's after us. He's also changed form and looks frightened. I take a moment to look around and see that we're outside. A few meters to our left is a large castle-like building made of pale fleshy pink stones. It's in ruins. I somehow know before I go into it that though it's filled about a quarter way to the ceiling with water, its architecture is magnificent. The big guy passes us and heads right for the ruined building. The man who is hiding with us goes after him and somehow, I know that our cover is blown. I see satyrs and centaurs running away, fearful of the one who is chasing us. We both head for the ruins. He sees you and you fight. I try to help and am able to, once. I think I managed to distract your opponent enough for you to be able to deliver a surprise attack, which we initially thought defeated him. But he comes back much stronger. When I felt that you're about to lose, I become very scared. Not wanting to see your apprently imminent demise, I fly away.

There is actually another matter I have to attend to. I head for the office of the paper I wrote for. When I get there, it's already being closed down by the police. The editor and I try to convince the police to reconsider, but they don't. As the printing machines, files, and computers are taken away, I watch with mounting guilt. I was of no help to you and I was of no help to the people I caused trouble for. I sit on the floor, but before I can scream in frustration, you call me from behind. Relieved to see you, I immediately jump up and give you a hug and ask if you're okay. You hug me back and tell me that it's over. The big guy was defeated. You won. You give me another tight embrace. As you do, I see over your shoulder our friends coming up the stairs. I see Phoebe first. She smiles at me. I pull away just as they come in. You try to talk to me, but there are far too many people.

I hear Ivan's voice. He and Leonard are picking on one of the freshmen that visited Ivan's class. Ivan asked the boy something like, "Di ba bumisita ka sa klase namin? Ano'ng schedule ng klase namin?"
The kid says something like, "Uh...Monday..."
Ivan says, "Patay tayo diyan."
Leonard jokingly reprimands the kid for not knowing the right answer. Ivan explains how the schedule can be derived from the section of the class.
I go to Ivan and kiss him. He smiles at me and puts his arm around me. I feel guilty for leaving you again when you say you have something important to say. But at that moment, I was missing Ivan.

And then I woke up. When I woke up, it was almost like I saw end credits roll down in my head. Here's the song that was playing in my head the moment I woke up.

Panalangin
by Apo Hiking Society

Panalangin ko sa habang buhay
Makapiling ka Makasama ka
Yan ang panalangin ko

At hindi papayag ang pusong ito
Mawala ka sa 'king piling
Mahal ko iyong dinggin

Wala nang iba pang mas mahalaga
Sa tamis na dulot ng pag-ibig natin dal'wa
At sana nama'y makikinig ka
Kapag aking sabihing minamahal kita

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Sometimes, the true worth of things are found in the richness of their history.

1. If you die tomorrow to whom would you leave everything you own?
• I don't really own anything that is exclusively mine. I imagine I would leave most things to my family, dLR, Katipips, Pats, and my other dear friends.
2. Who is the one person that you could stand spending a straight 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with?
• I would imagine, Ivan. Actually, it would be easier for me to answer the question on who I would get annoyed with.
  
3. What if you woke up tomorrow and you were someone else completely, who would you be?
• Zsa zsa Zaturnah! (did I get that right? Ahahay!)
  
4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change (personality or looks)?
• I want to change so many things about me, but when it comes right down to it, I don't really know what in particular I want to be different. I know, weird.
  
5. If you could be a member of any band that has ever existed, what band would that be?
• The band that first played the Philippine National Anthem.
  
6. milk chocolate or dark chocolate?
• dark chocolate
  
7. waffles or pancakes?
• waffles
  
8. chocolate or vanilla?
• chocolate
  
9. eminem-please stand up or please shut up?
• oh, please... SHUT UP!
  
10. If you could be in any movie as the lead role what movie would it be?
• Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct (buwahahahahahahahah!!!)
  
11. If you could design your perfect mate whatwould he/she look like and be like?
• oh my... I'm not really a looks person...
  
12. What is the single most embarrassing thing thathas ever happened to you?
• I embarrass easily
  
13. fallen in front of someone you thought to be quite good looking?
• Four words: Eia fell for Rey
  
14. gone skinny-dipping?
• Yeah! That was a really wild period in my life. I even had a canary yellow bikini! Yes... I was really wild 20 years ago. **wink**
  
15. gotten in a car wreck where you are the driver?
• I didn't exactly wreck the car. I was able to drive it to school afterwards.
  
16. started laughing really hard so you just spitout what you had in your mouth cause you couldn't swallow?
• eheheh.... no.
  
17. swallow a bug?
• Again, 20 years ago.
  
18. If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars?
• I'd put part of my money in time deposit then another part in a savings account. I would live on that money for awhile while I write a novel or something.
  
19. get five piercings or five tattoos?
• piercings.
  
20. be stranded on an island with a clueless hottie or someone gross with survival training?
• someone gross with survival training.
  
21. have wheels instead of legs or wings instead ofarms?
• no thanks. I'm happy with the way God created man.
  
22. change your past or know your future?
• if I had to choose, change my past. But if possible, I wouldn't do either.
  
23. be normal and ignored or brilliant and disliked?
• brilliant and disliked.
  
24. have a boy/girl friend or a sweet car?
• boyfriend
  
25. Yummy food you make?
• uhm... Lucky Me pancit canton?
  
26. Is nipples a very funny word?
• **lol**
  
27. wanna go to Northwestern University?
• Nope
  
28. if you had to go live in borneo for the rest ofyour life & you could take one person on this earth,who would you take?
• Borneo isn't far... Ivan.
  
29. Would your bf/gf be a smoker?
• higkh! NO!
  

Reminders : You know who you are...

Bastusan na kung bastusan.

Darling, before hostility breaks out, please remember your own words.

"Siyempre, mahal na mahal ko [siya] and everything follows, pati na patience and understanding"

"Pakiramdam ko hindi ko narereciprocate yung pagmamahal at attention na ibinibigay niya sa akin.

Trust me. I'm not paraphrasing. Before you make another impulsive move, remember what you said, rethink what you did, and learn from those things. The problem with emotional actions is they're governed by emotions. There's little logic or ethic or morality involved.

God speed.

Assuming...

Sometimes people are so hard to understand. Unfortunately, because we're social beings, we're forced to try and understand them. We try to search for the meanings of their actions and we try to search for the appropriate responses to these actions.

Socializing is taking one blind step after another, isn't it?

Case 1

I don't know why he picks on me. He's like a bully only, he's scrawny. Okay, so he doesn't really pick on me. He just nitpicks on almost everything I do.

At least it feels that way.

In retrospect, it's probably because his approval is important to me that I notice his being critical. After all, in some way, he *was* my boss. Also, maybe it's because I'm already feeling hostile towards him, consequently making me think that he's hostile towards me as well.

I did say once that when we don't know how people will react, we often assume that they will react the way we would. Alternately, I suppose, when we are in a bad mood, we view others in a bad light. He makes me feel lousy, so I automatically assume that he is a lousy person and is trying to make me feel bad. Ego trip, much? Maybe he isn't even thinking about me.

Ivan is right, I'm thinking about this too much.

So let's move on...

Case 2

Here's the deal, we're not even close.

He knows very well that I have a boyfriend. I'm not sure if I told him, but I'm pretty sure he's seen Ivan pick me up from class. I'm not exactly shy about showing people that I'm Ivan's and vice-versa. All our groupmates are well aware of this fact...

I think...

Anyway, whenever we chance upon each other online, he sends me an IM. I often find offline messages from him. He sends me messages even when he's in invisible mode (ie. when he's hiding from his friends because he has a lot of work to do). I didn't think he liked me when we were working together on our play. I thought he found me incompetent and annoying as a director. He's a cheerful guy. He has a great disposition, the type who greets anyone he knows with a smile and a happy, "Hi."

I could easily write this off as someone who's just being nice.

I don't know... I'm not attracted to him, so I don't see how I could possibly imagine him being attracted to me. I mean, if we look at it in terms of my theory of reciprocals. "Woman's intuition", Ivan calls it. I instinctively know that he doesn't just "like me", rather he "likes me likes me".

Ahh...weird. It's probably nothing. I just find it strange that he was worried that I was mad at him for no apparent reason, that he notices every little thing about my YM status (my avatar, my status message, the smileys that I use...), that he talks to me about everything under the sun...

He doesn't talk to me much in class.

Agh! Whatever!

I'm rambling. I'm not making sense. I should get back to 171 now...

Lyrics Trip: Fate is Beautiful from SailorMoon

Unmei wa Utsukushi
Image song: Sailor Neptune

Saisho ni mitsumeta ano toki (The first time we gazed [at each other])
Kaze no kaori ga shita natsukashii egao (The sweet wind on your dear smiling face)
Fushigi na chikara ni yobarete (Called by a mysterious power)
Meguriaeta imi ni kidzuite hayaku (Found out quickly what that chance encounter meant)

Hiroi sora no shita zutto sagashiteta
Atrsui anata no hitomi o

Kono unmei wa utsukushiku (This fate is beautifully)
Watashi no namida o kagayaka serukara (makes my tears shine)
Don'na omoide ga hikitomete mo
Mou nido to furimukanai son'na ki ga shita

Anata ni nobashita yubisaki
Fukai yami no iro ni somerarete yuku no
Tsumetai arashi ni mezameru
To'oi yume ga itsuka honto ni natte mo

Eranda subete o shinjiru koto ga
Asu o kaeteku chikara ne

Kono unmei wa uruwashiku
Watashi no suhada o kagayaka serukara
Don'na kanashimi ga oshiyosete mo
Mou nido to kizutrukanai anata ga ireba

Kono unmei way utsukushiku
Watashi no namida o kagayaka serukara
Don'na kanashimi ga oshiyosete mo
Mou nido to kizutsukanai anata ga ireba

Anata ga ireba (If you are close)
Anata ga ireba (If you are close)

I vow to translate this one day!!! (My Japanese is so rusty...)

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Happiness and love can be elusive if you chase after them.

Tickle Me!

You're a Steady Supporter

Stand by your man — that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are a constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot of trust (in him and in yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.

For you, mutual respect is of utmost importance. You are comfortable and confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he's striving to climb a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

Brought to you by Tickle





You're fit to commit because you know what you want

You don't need us to tell you that you're on the right track. A cool and confident person, you know what you want; now it's just a matter of finding it. Even more important, you know that love is about much more than what kind of clothes they wear or car they drive. And you're ready to make it work.

You've gotten to a place where you are happy with your life, and you're ready to share it with someone special. So whether you've found them or are still looking, know that this time, you'll get what you want.

Are You Fit to Commit?

Brought to you by Tickle

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Mornings are not overrated, nights out are.