Unfinished Chapters

Whenever I write a story, my audience expects a certain "terminal result".

And, no, it's not the quintessential happy ending. They're more used to my angst-ridden conclusions than anything else. Like Donnabelle, I rarely write when I'm happy so I rarely write happy stories with fluffy endings.


But, that's not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that most people would prefer that the story they began reading be not open ended. Similarly, in life, most people would rather that the plot twists and conflicts in their lives not remain unresolved.

There are two unresolved chapters in my love life. I have a particular ending that I'm gunning for. The ending I want to happen is far from painless, but at least, most conclusive.

No Win Situation

This is the first time in my life that this has happened: that two of my principles conflicted with each other.

I never realized that was possible, that my sense of duty for one thing would go against my sense of duty for another. In this situation, I don't really want to explain myself. I don't see the point. As I thought things through yesterday afternoon, I knew that whichever way I went, no outcome would be pleasing. I knew that no matter what I did, I would still be wracked with guilt and some sense of responsibility afterwards.

Both parties trusted me. I just went with the group that had no real offense.

While everyone tells me that I had no fault in the matter, the truth is, I am well aware that I let things happen the way they did. I am not solely responsible, but I am not free from responsibility. They say that I'm overthinking things, but the fact of the matter is, I didn't have to think much to feel guilty.

There is a line in House that made me think: "You can't control your emotions, only your actions." I wanted to say that yesterday, but I didn't want to expect something like that from someone else when I myself couldn't accomplish it. This is my last real semester in UPPA, I wanted so bad to ensure its future. I shouldn't have gotten involved, and yet I did, and by the looks on everyone's faces as they went home last night, it's quite obvious how badly I messed up.

Flipside: It's not easy to be loved

I'm used to developing unrequited feelings.

I always thought that it was much easier to be on the receiving end , because how difficult could it be to be loved? If the other person did not love me back, they shouldn't be affected by how I felt, right?

I lost one of my dearest friends--and, consequently, the first person I ever had romantic feelings for--because of this mentality. We were really close back then so I was well aware that he didn't see me that way. I was the one feeling the pain of rejection (not quite outright, but it was still the case) and he was causing it. I didn't see how he could be in pain, himself.

It turns out, the laws of action and reaction work in these cases as well. Especially when the dynamic happens between good friends.

Back to the present, it was a rather perplexed revelation that forced me to see things in retrospect. While looking for ways to comfort him, I was made to draw from my own experiences as someone who was on the "unrequited" end. It then dawned on me that in his case, both ends were, in a way, unrequited. Her love was unrequited, that one was clear. On the other hand, his friendship was unrequited as well. Sure, she was willing to be friends with him, but not without consequence to him. Interestingly enough, there was also a mutual rejection. While he rejected her feelings for him, she was rejecting what he was.

I was guilty of that with him.

In the same way he couldn't accept the love I had to give him, I couldn't accept that he would still tell me about the girls (not me) he liked, be caring and sweet as he had always been. Everytime he was himself, he was hurting me by showing me what I was missing. Everytime he treated me as the friend that I was to him, he was making me hope for something that should have been long decided to be unreachable.

I didn't realize how much I was demanding from him until it was too late.

I guess it's not just the girls who find it difficult to turn down those who're courting them.

I'm not sure how well I understand both ends of the spectrum. I'm even more uncertain of how well I explained it to him. But, the bottom line is, while it is difficult to love someone who doesn't love you back; it's equally difficult to care for someone who loves you, but you don't love back.

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)

Annie Lennox

Sweet dreams are made of these
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something.

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.

-

The song's stuck in my head. I think it has something to do with one of the lifestyle network's commercials. Or perhaps it has something to do with a blog entry I recently read.

Six Random Facts About Me

Was tagged by The OC

Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six of your friends and tag them! (No tag backs). This explanation must be included, of course.

That said, let's get it on!

Hoookaaaay...

1. I hate speaking in front of an audience. I'm usually so terrified that I end up making a complete fool of myself.


2. I have unnaturally low blood pressure. My "normal" blood pressure is about 90/70, or something like that. I think it runs in the family, because my mom has low blood pressure, as well.


3. The first (non-family) person to kiss me on the lips was a girl. It happened right before our IPS (Introduction to Physical Science) class in our first year of high school. Oh, gawds...no, I wasn't expecting it... I didn't like her in that way... I didn't like it... it was FREAKY!!! And, I don't know why she did it, either.


4. I am officially a yaoi fangirl. I don't fangirl yaoi couples beyond anime, though. While I'm very open to the idea of gay couples, guy on guy still kinda freaks me out. Oh, and, of course, it should go without saying that I'm an anime/manga-addict as well.


5. Contrary to popular belief, I do drive over 100 kph. I just don't do it too often. I don't drive that fast when I'm with other people, cause chances are, I would be talking to said other people and would, therefore, be distracted.


6. I like long passwords. Eheheh... couldn't think of anything else. Edit:It's difficult for me to fall in love, but at the same time, it's also difficult for me to get over the one I have learned to love. Took a cue from Bei's blog. I found this fact 6 a bit corny.
   

Okay, now for the tagging part. Ma-Anne, Ligaya, Kay, Rainstruck, baregoddess, and Steph, I choose you!

...MIddle of the Night...

I was awakened by one dang freaky dream.

I hate it when that happens.

I like dreaming just fine. Dreams are fun things to have given that they're not too scary. This one was scary.

Grrrrgh... now I can't go back to sleep. Oh well, might as well do my Chem lab report...

Randomness

Taking a short break after fixing up my lab workstation and before running up to the second floor for Physics 141...

Hey, today is the 8th of September... It's Mama Mary's birthday. The guy in church said that it's a holiday of obligation, I always thought the holiday of obligation was the 8th of December (Immaculate Concepcion). Well, it looks like I won't be able to hear mass, anyway.

Come to think of it, today should also be the deadline for the "Camera Ready Manuscripts" and "One-Page Extended Abstract" for our SPP paper. Where's the acceptance notice? (Wahahahah... I'm actually expecting one. How funny.)

----------

Still feeling sick. No, scratch that, I'm feeling S.I.C.K. Damn antibiotics are making me nauseous. How can something that's supposed to cure you make you feel so messed up?

----------

Heheh... Ivan oozes mmm-smex in that shirt he so affectionately calls his "callboy shirt". Why'd I have to have all these Catholic sensibilities that are making me oh-so-guilty for being human?

----------

Rene and I chatted for a short while this afternoon after I helped Micielle install Ubuntu to her workstation. He seems real happy with his job.

I wish I graduated on time...

----------

Thinking Ivan is sexy...

----------

Must go to class...

----------

Too lazy...

----------

Mmm....

Ivan... XD

....Must go.... Physics 141....

...going now....

20 Random Thoughts about Today

Warning: I've been feeling very insecure lately, so I'm pretty sure this will not be a happy post.

1. I really really really wish guys could feel the pain of dismenorrhea and the intense mood swings that come pre-, con-, and post-period.
2. Then again, I suppose, the pain of dealing with a hyper-sensitive and irritable wife/girlfriend/friend/daughter who has her period is painful enough.
   
3. Sometimes I wish I actually was just bumming around so I'd have an excuse for not getting anywhere.
4. I am slowly but surely developing a strong hatred for TV commercials about beauty products.
5. Ditto for clothes ads on billboards that just make you want to ram your car into its post and die cause you're not as perfect as the model on it.
   
6. Cold weather really does make you horny.
7. I want a do over for the rhumba and tango I danced with Ivan.
8. I wonder how I can con _ t _ _ _, _ _ n _ _, _ _ l _ _, _ _ a _ _ _, and _ _ _ e into auditioning for Philippine Idol...
9. I wonder if I should join them for fun?Eh, no, maybe not. Wouldn't want to end up on the growing list of people who wrongly think Terpsichore touched them and gifted them with her talent.
10. I miss writing. I hope this writer's block goes away soon.
11. Phenol is a very dangerous chemical. It should be kept away from sleep-deprived students who space out while performing Chem experiments.
12. On that note, all sleep-deprived students should be deemed hazardous and be barred from the Chem labs.
13. Then again, that would mean no one would be allowed to attend Chem anymore. Not that that's a completely bad thing.
14. I should always keep a stock of dark chocolate in the fridge for days like this. Cuddlebunnies.
    
15. "Cuddlebunnies" is not a real word (and doesn't really mean anything).
    
16. Neither is "snicker-doodle".
    
17. But fiddlesticks is.
18. The newly opened SM Hypermarket is so crowded and has everything. It's like Costco or Price Mart.
    
19. I miss a lot of people, but I have no intentions of attending any reunion of any sort anytime soon.
    
20. I should go out and get some self-esteem. Maybe SM Hypermarket has some.
    

Quote for the Day: "Go ahead, kick me. Can't you see I'm still standing?"

PdLR's Thought for the Day

It's strange how some people forget that other people can feel emotions other than love.

I suppose it's my fault again

But, that's not new.

I've become used to the feeling of guilt. Regret, too. You had expected me to be there by your side and I wasn't. I tried hard, but your shadow was just too cold and too dark for me. I had to get away. I imagine you didn't notice my leaving until you tried to lean on me only to find that I was gone.

I was supposed to be the pillar of strength of the two of us, wasn't I? The crazy and erratic one, but the stable one nonetheless. You were supposed to just be you: brilliant and peerless in every way. You shouldn't have needed to watch out for anyone because I was supposed to be the one steering them away from your path. You shouldn't have needed to watch your back for the repercussions of your actions, I should have had it.

I was probably not there for you when you needed me most. I truly am sorry for being the coward that I am. I'm just an idiot who's incapable of doing anything right.

But, I suppose, even that's my fault.

Para Sa Akin by Sitti

I wish I could say this to you...

Kung ika'y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako'y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At mayroon ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pagibig
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang lumipad ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Para sa akin

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way. You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to. Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets. No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

Men See You As Choosy

Men notice you light years before you notice them. You take a selective approach to dating, and you can afford to be picky. You aren't looking for a quick flirt - but a memorable encounter. It may take men a while to ask you out, but it's worth the wait.

How Do Men See You?

What does my birth month mean?

Your Birth Month is November

Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years. You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian. Your soul reflects: Compassion, friendship, and secret love Your gemstone: Citrine Your flower: Chrysanthemum Your colors: Dark blue, red, and yellow

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

That Person

I thought I was done with that feeling.

Well, not really done with it. I figured someone, somewhere else at some other time in my life would make me feel that way again, but I had hoped not to the same degree. It's not really a good feeling--the feeling that washes over me whenever I encounter that person.

I suppose that person doesn't even know how simple presences affect me. That person was the one who opted to walk out of my life. That person was the one who chose to change things between us, though I was more than slightly relieved when that person did. I didn't ask to feel this way around that person, which is probably why I always feel guilty whenever I do. I'm sure that person wouldn't want me to feel this way either, but unfortunately, I do.

It's stupid, really. It's even a little bit self-destructive. But, strangely enough, if I'm to be honest with myself, I really miss that person.

I wonder if that person misses me as well.



Than again, probably not.

Dream: My Greatest Dream and Nightmare

There is an 90% chance that I may never get pregnant. I have Amenorrhea due to a much more complicated condition. I have come to terms with that long ago. I hold on to the remaining 20% and try to ignore the fact that if ever I do get pregnant, there is about a 50% chance that it would only end in a miscarriage. I suppose it might sound odd that one of the dreams that I have deem to be unattainable is one of the few things women can do that men can't. When I was much younger, I thought about what my children would be like.

I keep that dream until now. At least I think I do.

My dream last night made me wonder.

There was a very long line in the hospital. It really wasn't unusual, because our health insurance provider has a lot of clients. I didn't know why I was there, but with my many "problems" I was used to being in the hospital for some random reason. My mother has this tendency of taking me to the hospital at the slightest complaint, so often, I don't usually tell her when I'm not feeling well. But I felt fine. Why was I there?

When my turn was up, I was brought into the small examining room of the health insurance clinic. The doctor was an Ob-Gyn. She was a fairly tall and slender woman with short hair that just brushed the bottom of her ears. She reminded me of "Mom" from Martin Mystery, if the latter wasn't a cartoon. Anyway, I was told to lie on the examining table and she first began feeling my abdomen. She asked me if I was feeling any pain. I said no. She asked if I felt pain when she applied pressure. No. She then asked me if I had very painful periods. More often than not. She instructed me to take off my underwear and roll up my skirt and to position myself on the examining table. I imagine everyone knows the examining position and I don't have to describe it. She placed a blanket over my lower body and continued her examination. Nausea? No. Fatigued? A bit, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. Headaches? Menstrual cramps recently? Spotting? No, no, and no.

She finished her examination and had a strange look on her face. "Kristine," she said, calling me by my "professional" name. "You're pregnant."

Excuse me? I thought I was as sterile as a hospital clean room or a brain surgeon's scalpel or something. Then, I realized how frightened I was.

The thought of having my own children excites me, but at this point in my life, I'm not ready. Heaven knows where that dream came from. But it made me realize that as much as I want to become a mother, it would be a far worse thing for me to become a bad and incapable mother than not become a mother at all.

It is an old Jewish belief that barren women are women cursed by God. Sarah wife of Abraham and Elizabeth mother of John the Baptist were such women who were gifted with children against all odds. But I believe that a mother who cannot take care of her children is a curse to her children.

I'd rather me than them.

Messages : For Katipips

Hi guys!

Wala lang. This is the result of someone trying to learn how to use Adobe Photoshop and that said someone having lots of spare time. Sorry if you don't like the pictures I used, I don't have a lot of pictures in my digital album.

Are we still going to Galera? Can you lend me money? Or better yet... libre niyo na lang ako. Heheh...

Summer is driving me crazy with high temperatures and boredom! I hope to see you guys (all together, as in buo) soon. The last time we got together as a relatively large group was when we ate at Gayuma last... I don't remember when...

So, you guys take care!

Ivan, I love you! I'll post that picture you asked me to post later (after Wackie finishes with the computer).

Ralph, hope we can talk to each other (in person) next time.

Phoebe, sorry I wasn't able to join you guys at Star City. I hope you had a lot of fun.

Rey, alam mo na yun.

Lourdes, I miss you! Paramdam ka naman!

Leonard, see you in the next university graduation. Kaya natin ito!

Rene and Alen, congratulations for moving on... to the next level. Pag may trabaho na kayo at mayaman na, huwag niyo kaming kalimutan.

Kuya Chris, try using Mane and Tail (Bwahahahahahahahah!)

Ivan, I love you very very much. (Did I say that already? Yes? Sorry. But then again, this is my blog...)

Ingatz! God bless! Hope to see you guys soon.

Love you all! Mwah!

Messages : For dLR

Hey lovers!

The last time I saw any of you was when I met up with KC and Rhiyaisa at Vinzons Hall, like, a long time ago. I know, it's really my fault that I'm not in touch, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

I chanced upon Ma-anne's Friendster photo album one time while I was reading her blog (I like the current design of your blog, by the way, it's a lot less cluttered and a lot more user friendly) and saw our high school pictures. It's funny, really. I was surprised at how different we looked back then. Then, when I thought about it, I came to realize that we're very different now--and not just physically.

I realized that I know very little about the lives you lead right now.

I know I'm notorious for not returning calls (I'm very forgetful) and not texting back (there's no excuse here, I'm just really lazy) , but I'm not the type who lets go of the most special people in my life.

I hope we find the time to meet up one of these days(yeah, I know, I was the one who got sick and copped out on our last outing, too).

So... Wala lang. And thanks for all the memories!

Take care and may you receive God's blessings with open hearts.

I love you guys! Mwah!

Dream: And Then I Died

I just knew.

Don't ask me how I knew in my dream, I just did. You know the expression "Your life flashes before your eyes"? In my dream, it supposedly did.
Significant people were there : close friends, him, him, him, my family, and a number of teachers. I didn't expect them to be there. And they weren't there to say goodbye, they were just there. They didn't know. Only I knew.
It was night in my dream and the night didn't seem to end. Not surprisingly, I don't quite remember how it started.

The "house" looked more like a dorm. I had my own room. I remember going back there and changing my clothes in there before going out. The hallway to the room was dark and narrow and the doors were small. There were a lot of familiar people living in the rooms. My room was two doors down Dr. Villagonzalo's and right beside Dr. Esguerra's. I remember one of my "housemates" coming in, asking if he could use my bathroom. I had agreed and changed quickly while he was in the loo.

One of the first scenes I remember was fighting with my brother over something trivial. The dishes, I think. The family was supposed to go to church. I think I asked my brother to come, but he declined. I felt a whole heap of regret when we left the "house".

Before we left, there was a party at the house. I was with a lot of friends. The Katipips, M13, and UPPA were there. I knew that there were a number of high school and elementary friends, but for some reason, they blended in with the buzz of the dream's background. There was videoke and drinking, I knew that much. I couldn't find Ivan in the party.

Here's a strange scene. Right when I was about to leave, I saw Erika, Loren, and Rene talking by the bar. I went over, looked Rene in the eye and said "Ako si chuva girl", then left.

I don't remember going to church, but I do remember that in my dream, the late pope John Paul II was just about to die. Strangely enough, everyone knew who would take his place. There was a large crowd in the university ampitheatre where people were praying. I remember the heavy traffic and the sight of what looks like a flood of candles. There were about as many people spreading peculiar rumors about the then dying pope as there were devotees praying.

I was supposed to be with my parents here, right? Instead, I was with Ralph (I'm not entirely sure if Patrick was in the back seat). We were talking about something. I think it was gossip. At that point, I knew that I had a very small amount of time left.

I drove over to a place that was supposed to be a hospital. I was alone. My room was tiny and had a narrow white gurney for a bed. There was a large one-way mirror beside the bed. Apparently, I wouldn't be needing an actual room as I would be dying soon.

When I got to my room, Ivan was there.

I was happy that he was there, I had been searching the entire dream for him. There was a laminated card by the door. It was some kind of manual to the person who would be with the dying. It gave instructions on how to treat the person before he/she died and what to do after. I don't know what kind of sadistic pleasure Ivan felt when he read that to me. I think he was as clueless about what was going to happen as I was.
The card said "Let the person lie down on the bed". Ivan told me to follow and I did. He tickled me first. After a while, his tickling became a gentle massage. He massaged my back to help me relax. I was nervous and sad about having to go so soon, but really glad to have him beside me during such a difficult time. He sat by my bedside and took my hand. His hands were, as usual, warm.
I wanted to tell him that I was afraid of what was going to happen after I die. I was afraid that there was going to be emptiness. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of what I was going to miss. But I couldn't tell Ivan any of those things. I knew he was just going to tell me to keep my faith and trust in God. I knew he would be right if he said that. I didn't want to say anything because if I said what I was feeling out loud, my doubts would completely take over and I might die as an unfaithful.

We were quiet and I looked at myself on the silvered side of the one-way mirror.

I would make a beautiful corpse. I was still so young.

I woke up at the same moment I died in my dream. It was a peaceful death. It was something expected.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I woke up. The first sensation I had was my phone vibrating beside my right leg. I looked at it. It was a message Donna sent me at around 2:30 AM. Motorola phones tend to keep making some kind of noise or vibrate periodically when there's an unread message. I read Donna's message and replied.

There are some mornings where you're more grateful that you're still alive than usual.

Ramblings : About stars and surviving

Some of the first words of motivation that I received when I first entered university went something like:

“Physics has a high mortality rate. Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Not exactly the most encouraging words to say to a BS Physics/Applied Physics freshman, I imagine, but they do make their mark quite well. Now, I’m not sure how accurate those words would be if you applied them. Let’s make a simple computation:

There were three and a half Physics/Applied Physics blocks (M13, M14, M15, and G22). Let’s say there are twenty-five students per block.

25 x 3.5 = 87.5

87.5 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 x 0.2 = 0.028

Okay... that’s closer to zero than to one. I’m assuming that the statement was a gross exaggeration, seeing as NIP does have its share of graduates and students. Well, I actually knew that it was just an odd hyperbole used to tell us that we weren’t going down easy street; I’m just debunking the myth (the twenty percent rule applies more accurately to the number of people passing one of Dr. So-and-So’s exams).

Anyway, there were about 30 BS Physics and BS Applied Physics graduates last April 23rd. I had the great pleasure of watching their final march as undergraduates. I couldn’t help the giddiness inside, despite my outward reaction of playful bitterness. Seeing my friends and classmates, in their white dresses or barongs and elegant sablays, I realized what the twenty percent myth should have meant to me. Graduating from BS Physics or BS Applied Physics is not impossible, though it’s as difficult as passing through a needle’s eye or putting a needle through your eye (whichever you prefer). This is coming from someone who has the perfect credentials to make such a claim.

It’s alright to hear the speeches of the fortunate ones who were gifted with innate talent in their chosen field and the vision, sense of responsibility and industry to match. The class valedictorian, the most outstanding student, and the commencement speaker, there is little doubt about how much they deserve to speak in front of the graduating class as honored men and women. Their greatness should inspire others to move mountains as they had, right?

Excellence is excellence; I have no problem with displaying that.

But, even though the stars inspire many of us to look up at the night sky, the fact is there are very few who will be inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. Some will be satisfied with dreaming and watching the twinkling constellations from the ground. Others will reach up, but once they realize that the stars are beyond the length of their arms, they will give up and perhaps settle for a dream. Still, others will not even attempt at the dream, seeing the impossibility and foolishness of the matter.

There is really no point in addressing those who are already with the stars and those who have been inspired to find a way to climb up and shine among them. I will not try to talk the others to be like them, either. Free will gives us the right to choose our path while the laws of nature make it blatantly clear that it is not possible that everyone succeed the way these people do. Just as students can excel in a small unknown college with very little facilities and funding, students can also fail in a university as large and prestigious as UP.

This is the reality of life.

Because, fact is, the people who become stars are, more often than not, already closer to the sky than others. Whether the advantage is monetary, intellectual, physical, or emotional, it is often there. Find your personal advantage, a self-help book would probably say. The concept of comparative advantage tells us that we should develop what we are good at. That’s logical. I don’t contest that. It’s a relatively fair battlefield; we should all have some form of advantage. In my opinion, though, success should not be complicated by norms and society imposed standards. It should be as simple as overcoming a personal goal. This said personal goal should be reasonable and just within or on the limit of possibility.

“Every year, only twenty percent will survive.”

Yes, only the fittest will survive. So the best question to ask right now is, “What are you fit to be?”

Can’t reach the sky? Be like a firefly, twinkling like fairy dust near the earth. Can’t produce your own light? Reflect it like the water or the glassy grains of sand. You can even capture its creators like the trees that attract fireflies or hold the light itself like a well-cut diamond’s glimmering embrace.

Stars are not the only things that glitter and the surviving twenty percent are not the only people who can shine.