Defeated

No one can say I didn't fight to the last moment. It's currently 5:30 am in the morning of the day of the thesis draft deadline and I haven't slept a wink all night. Ironically, I barely wrote a word because I spent the night debugging. I didn't even give myself time to freak out when I realized my results were incomplete. Ok, so maybe I didn't do everything in my power to finish my draft or fix my program, else I wouldn't have rested a couple of hours with a comic book or gone book shopping. I suppose I knew since the original draft deadline arrived--and I had little more than squat written, exams and reports due, and the (long bleep)NIP APIS to deal with--that I couldn't possibly finish this on time. There were far too many things to do and I had neither the drive nor the energy to finish all of them...

...and everyone was so sure for me. That's what bothered me the most these past few weeks. Part of me acknowledges that other people's expectation that I would be graduating this semester was the only reason I pushed myself up to this point.

I will continue to write my thesis throughout the day, and I will continue to review my program to see what's going wrong. But, I don't think people would blame me if I chose to shed a few tears before getting back to work.

Kiss

What is the value of a kiss?

Someone asked me this question. And, in my youthful inadequacy, I have no real answer save that which comes from my heart--these things which were not thought of.

A kiss is more than the sum of its parts. It's more than lips touching skin; more than passion; more than heat, and tongue, and teeth. For if a kiss were only that, then if I sought to kiss, I could kiss whoever was willing and I would be satisfied. Yet, I continue to seek kisses from only a few people while I am unstirred by the most passionate of the lot that I care little for.

I have kissed so many--family, friends, and lovers--so many times. The value of a kiss does not whither with use. My lips still seek contact and my skin longs for that tender brush of affection.

No, even now, I cannot take a kiss for granted.

In my mind, each kiss is worth as much as the one I share it with. It feels as much as I feel about my partner. It is taken for granted only when one takes the other for granted. It is loved only when there is love shared. It is an enjoyable passionate heat only when there is desire for the flesh.

No, that is not as accurate as it should be.

Rather, the value of each kiss is worth as much as that moment during that kiss shared with that person. Be that beloved or taken for granted, lingering or fleeting, passionate or in passing.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

"It is nothing to die; it is frightful not to live."

Jean Valjean
Victor Hugo's Les Miserables

Despondence

Some of the most painful words I've ever heard in my life were,

"You're selfish. You don't think of anyone else."

Thing is, I always said that to myself. I never really heard it from anyone else, probably due to Filipino politesse that requires as little honesty as possible, and all that crap. Whenever I reminded myself of that, it hurt. But when the person who so often reassured me that I wasn't as awful as I thought threw those words at me--albeit, not in such blunt phrasing--it felt as if my heart was being torn out. And the human body, being such a wretched thing,hid the initial pain behind a mass of shock and a series of defense mechanisms. I didn't realize the damage so short a statement could cause until it was too late and I no longer knew how to bring things back to how they were. The full blow only struck me when I stopped to think about it.

And the most painful part is I knew that person was right; and I don't have the heart to either defend myself and take things back.

Five or More

Move balls around the grid and try and form lines of same colored balls. Once you form five in a row, the line disappears. Unfortunately more balls keep dropping in.

I had just finished fixing the software problems of one of our lab computers when I decided to relax and play Five or More. One of my seniors saw me playing and told me she didn't like the game, because she never won. I smiled at her and said, "This is one of those game where you will eventually lose; it's just a matter of getting the highest possible score before you go."

All you can do is keep moving the balls around, and do your best to safeguard your plans from obstacles. It's a fact that you will get less breaks than problem balls, and in the end, you'll ultimately have to accept that the game will be over at some point, whether you like it or not.

Broken Sandals

Unrequited love is like having a broken sandal.

I went to the mall with my mom today. While we were going about our business, the strap of my left sandal broke off. My mom told me to keep going about things while she bought me a new pair. As I hobbled along the aisles of the mall, I considered walking around without my sandals, but the floor was too cold, and that would just be weird.

It was so strange to walk around as though I were impaired, when nothing was really wrong with me. And even though I could function better without my broken sandals, I kept on walking (with difficulty) with them on.

When my mom and I met up and I was finally able to change into new footwear, I hesitated to throw the broken sandals away. I held onto them for a while, and even felt a little bad for disposing them when I was the one who was careless enough to break them in the first place.

But, they were useless to me and I functioned much better without them. It was just a matter of telling myself to let go.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Irony of life:

People rarely listen to the wisest things they say.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

If you keep looking at yourself, you're looking too closely and you're not seeing the bigger picture. Try looking at your reflection from other people's eyes...

...you might see a difference.

This is cute...

blue_boxerbriefs LOVES parisdlr

21032 3135 448 812 93

Love Level: 93%

Name 1:
Name 2:

Loves-O-Meter
From Go-Quiz.com

Warning Label

I'm sure you have something about you that others should be warned about. Find out what it is here!

Is your personality a fiery one? Are you perhaps a little explosive in the mornings? This magical test aims to give you the appropriate warning label to display to your friends. Whether you are annoyed by cigarette smoke, a little radioactive, or about to fall into a hole, this test will give you and your friends some idea about that part of our personality they need to look out for! This test has taken off like wildfire. Don't be the last to warn your friends!

Infinite Insanity may explode without warning

M EXPLOSIVE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Every person is at a different point on a different highway of life. Where are you?

As we cruise down the highway of life we come across many metaphorical destinations, some good some bad. Our individual personalities lead us all down a different path. Let this magical personality test tell you where you are headed! Just punch in your name and soon you will be rolling past the roadsign of your life. Don't forget to drive carefully! What are the towns on your highway? Be sure to drop in and visit them all, because life is a journey that we should all cherish. Peace!

Infinite Insanity Highway Childbirth Hospital 7 Mt. Happiness 22 Bog of Eternal Marriage 63 TravelWorld 109 Hobotown 373 Please Drive Carefully

Username:

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head

by BJ Thomas

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed,
Nothing seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So, I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done,
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long 'til happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'

Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long 'til happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrop keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me

--

A happy song this time. I don't know why, but I'm happy. So there.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Letting go is not when you stop crying, it's when you're no longer afraid to cry because you're sure that if you do, you can stop and move on with your life.

Christmas

**insert long sigh**

It's already the day before Christmas, isn't it?

For some reason, I don't feel all that Christmas-y. It's not the first year this has happened. Last year, it was the same. I wasn't excited, I wasn't overly happy, but I wasn't sad either. I was just the same. Christmas had become just another day for me. The last celebration of the coming of the new year wasn't too different from last Christmas. I felt dull. I was even a little sad. I did a lot of things over the year that I wasn't too proud of, but I knew could never go back to change.

Perhaps it's because I am not anticipating anything anymore that I don't feel anything. Maybe it's because there is nothing that I want strongly. Sometimes, I feel that I have settled into my life. I'm not exactly satisfied, but I have come to accept my life as it is.

I've always seen Christmas and the coming of the new year both as celebrations of hope for things to come. Now, as I stop looking into the future and anticipating what is to come, they're just red letter days on my calendar.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

Unrequited love is a lot less painful than reciprocated love that can never happen.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

When arguing with someone, make sure that you're talking to convince that person and not yourself.

My Seduction Style?

Holding On

If you love someone, set him free and wish only for his happiness.

It's a theme that's as used and abused as a theme could get. When I was younger, I thought I understood it well, now it feels so unreal and impossible. Because, it says that if I truly am in love, I should be able to do those things: set him free and wish for his happiness.

I wonder now, do I truly love that person? If I do, why can't I let go? I hold on to him so tightly that my fingers dig into his skin and my grip suffocates him. I've been doing so for the last five years. And, in the same way I hold onto him, I hold onto the dream that we can have our own "happily ever after" together. Lately, I feel them being crushed in my grasp, and still I can't let go. And my greatest fear is their little pieces would one day slip through my fingers like sand.

Old Infinite Insanity Description

I'm posting it here for posterity.
(stole the smiley from here)

From the ashes of a glorious but slowly fading past
Burns the hungry flame of a passionate today.
Rising up from the muck of what weighs it down
It reaches up to the infinity of the cosmos
A beacon to the children lost in the dark
Lending warmth to the bitter and cold of heart
It lights the way to the countless possibilities of a glorious tomorrow
Slowly fading into view

It's actually a poem dedicated to UPPA. I wrote it right after the tambayan was burnt to a delicious black crisp. But... since we're back there now, I suppose the memory of it doesn't sting as much.

PdLR's Thought for the Day

It's sometimes not a good idea to analyze things to the point that they stop making sense.